A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidI broke up with my abusive bf a month back. I was crying at the start and trying very hard to move on. He contacted me twice I didn't pick up the calls. Yesterday I saw his old tshirt in one of my boxes which triggered a memory before I knew what's happening I called him and he magnanimously took me back. He said all the right things and now for the past few hrs he again started cutting my calls, ignoring my texts we r supposed to go out today and now he is not even picking my calls. Ya he slapped me yesterday night again.What is wrong with me, I was moving on then y did I call him again. I feel like a total fool, I hate myself so much for doing this to me again. Why will I even stoop this low and want to be with him. Pls help me, I'm already depressed pls don't say I deserve it
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2014): I also want to add on the topic of friends and why they have so much influence over people. I forgot to mention in my first post the little bit of history that caused my friend to switch her loyalty to him. There was one incident that stood out a lot.
My best friend had cheated on her boyfriend and took a trip to visit this guy she cheated with. She had lied to her boyfriend and told him she was visiting me. My ex boyfriend caught wind of the story both through mutual friends and because my idiot friend had posted her whereabouts on Facebook for everybody to see. (Her boyfriend didn't have a Facebook, her account is private, and they had no mutual friends, so she knew he would never find out.) My ex boyfriend asked me about it cause he loves conflict and drama and I told him hesitantly the true story, still under some sort of delusionment that I could trust him.
So one day he took my phone, unbeknownst to me, posing as me, and texted my best friends boyfriend telling him the whole story. That she cheated and lied to him. The next day she called me livid asking why I ratted her out to her boyfriend. I had no idea what she was talking about. When she explained, I looked back at my texts and saw the texts. I knew he had done it. I tried to explain to her that my evil ex was behind it but I don't think she ever quite believed me. And I don't blame her. I'd think the same too. It seems extremely outrageous that a person with apparently nothing invested in the situation would do that. What motive would he have? It seems a hell of a lot more reasonable and likely that I did in fact do it and am just trying to put the fall on him. It is more likely that I am jealous of her, possibly I like her boyfriend, and so purposely tried to break them up. And this is the rationale that allows these guys to get away with so much evil. For the mere fact that it doesn't make sense. And people look at you like you're crazy when you try to explain it.
I'm sure when he moved to her city, he told her a very different version of the truth, confirmed her suspicions that it had been me all along, probably told her I was crazy and jealous of her, threw my name in the mud, and convinced her that I was no good all the while gaining her trust in him.
These guys know how to deceive people. They are at all times ten steps ahead of you. That is why they triumph. But the truth always comes out. They will be exposed but it may take some people longer to see through them than it takes others.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2014): I posted below. Same as my ex boyfriend, he had lots of friends, and was even able to win over some of my friends. He was very very likeable. I never had a friend who disliked him based on first impressions. In fact, a lot of my friends who'd first meet him often thought he was a cool guy and couldn't see the other evil side of him. I myself fell for it.
Guys like these are chameleons. They are pro's at putting on a likeable face in the presence of others. These guys are extremely deceptive. Like I explained below, they lie and make up stories, and are very convincing at doing this. He's going back and telling his friends what a psycho you are and painting himself as the victim. They have no idea he hits you. Furthermore, if they did ever find out, he has painted you as such a wretched villain, that his friends may even rationalize that you deserved it. Either that or his friends themselves are abusers who see nothing wrong with his behavior. When you call him and he doesn't answer, he is telling his friends what a psycho you are and that you won't leave him alone. They have no idea that he was the one trying to get in touch with you initially and that he even went to see you. He didn't tell them that part. This guy is a master at gaslighting. He has created an alternate reality where you are this psycho he can't get rid of.
When he was calling you, it wasn't cause he missed you. It was a trap. He was setting you up. He was playing on your emotions, he knew you'd miss him and soon reply. And when you did, he got the attention he wanted. It wasn't about having you, it was about getting you to want him again. And now you want him again, he has all the missed calls to confirm it. And now he is happy, he got the ego stroke he craved. But as you see he is paying you no attention. He is simply sitting back enjoying you losing your mind over him. And when you stop calling him and try to move on, he'll come around again.
He has friends because he shows his friends only one side of him, the same side you fell in love with. The "nice" him. Furthermore, he is able to maintain these friendships because the nature of his friendships carries little to no responsibility. His friends expect him to be available to hit the bars and play video games with them. But see what happens if a friend of his starts needing lots of favors or starts making demands. He'll drop that friend like a hot rock. If you look closely at his friendships you'll see these aren't friends he would bend over backwards for or who expect him to do so. These are "friends" who are only available to each other for entertainment. His friends don't care who's bed he slept in last night. To water their plants and walk their dogs when they go out of town. This is a man who is unable to make sacrifices for anybody or be held to any responsibility. That is why he cannot have a functional relationship. He is able to have and keep friends because his friends don't expect him to do anything but to have fun with.
If you take a close look at his friends you'll see that his friends are actually just as troubled as him. People with integrity have much higher standards and expectations of the people they surround themselves with. Their friendships are multi-dimensional. A friend is someone that through thick and thin you can count on. His friendships are one-dimensional. They serve one purpose: entertainment. His friends are solely to have fun with and nothing more. But it works for them. Because like him, his friends expect nothing more either.
And that's that. I hope you have a better understanding. In the meantime, just hang in there and be strong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for writing. I'm the OP. Just one question alone, how come a person like my ex has so many friends I mean he has so many devoted friends who would do anything for him, just like me. Even though I'm basically nice person who go out of my way to help people I have very few friends. It doesn't sound fair to me. As far I know he didnt traet any of his previous gfs treat good, he even told me once how he broke their hearts before breaking up with them just cause he is bored. How is it even possible for people be nice to him though he is a jerk. Any insights would really help me to get some kind of closure. I keep thinking may be something is wrong with me as everyone else around him like him. To be frank he kind of treated me OK for past 3 yrs though there were some emotional and verbal abuse time to time and threaten me that he'll break if things didn't go his way or I ask too many questions. Please help
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2014): Sorry this is so long. I just have so much to say cause I have been through this and my heart goes out to you and I want to help you. So read up. Look, I had an abusive ex too. He didn't hit me but he would terrorize my mind and my mental health. He was an emotional terrorist. I was in the depths of despair. He too would play these control games, one minute he loved me the next he was unreachable, wouldn't pick up my call. He would tell my friends that I am crazy, that I talk bad about them to cut me off from my social outlets. He went through my phone one time and texted everybody in my contacts, posing as me, saying, "I don't like you, don't call me again." He would tell his own family and friends how "crazy" and awful I am. I would run into his friends and say hi and suddenly they were attacking me or ignoring me, leaving me bewildered and confused. They would have demeaning nicknames when referring to me and constantly talk about me in a demeaning way. When I was with him, I felt like an animal in the wild. Always on edge, never know what's about to strike you. Paranoid. It was terrible. Not even realizing he was causing this. You know the worst part about it? Everybody believed him. This guy was so sneaky and so skilled at doing this that he triumphed. Each and everytime I was caught off guard cause my defenses were down. I thought he was my boyfriend, had no idea he was a terrorist. I lost so many friends cause he turned us against each other. Before I knew it, I was all alone. And he was the puppet master. One day I got home and he was gone. He didn't say goodbye, didn't tell me he was leaving, just left and moved to another state. I was sad and confused but I was relieved. I called my best friend who lived in another state to tell her and she wouldn't take my calls. When I most needed a friend... I soon found out that he had moved to the same state and city she lived in. I kept trying to call her. The few times she answered our conversations were brief and she seemed annoyed to hear from me. I found out from another friend of ours that my best friend and my ex boyfriend were now hanging out. When this happened, one of my friends said, "oh shit. He got to her..." Sounds like a horror movie, right? It kind of was... I was able to put two and two together and realized he moved to her city, looked her up, one thing led to another and she had switched her loyalty to him. And I can't begin to imagine what he said to her about me to cause this, but it was probably nothing good and very convincing. When they found out that this friend was feeding me information they started a smear campaign against me to this friend. Luckily, this friend did not fall for it. In fact, while a lot did, I still had friends who backed me up solid. But the damage was done. The pain I felt was unbearable. I was in utter shock. I cried uncontrollably every single day for six to seven months. You don't know how many times I wanted to call him. Hoping this wasn't all one big sham, that there was meaning to our relationship. But I couldn't do that because enough was enough. If in two years he had brought me nothing but heartache, and tried to ruin my life, why would I think that the future with him would hold anything different? It wouldn't. I'd be a masochist to even consider him in my life. Yet just like you, I'd often want to call him. I'd even miss him at times. But I didn't call him and never spoke to him again. It's been a year. And the first few months were so hard. It felt like I lived in darkness. One of my friends who had been in a physically abusive relationship and nearly got killed by this man told me that she had felt that same despair even after everything he did to her. She concluded that she felt that way because she never got closure. She simply wanted to know "why"? Why did he treat her this way? An answer she would never get that haunted her for a long time. Nonetheless, she was strong, moved on, is now engaged to a wonderful man, has amazing friends, a beautiful house and runs her own business. And she is HAPPY. I asked myself this same question too. Why? I did research on the subject to educate myself. Giving myself time to grieve while at the same time digging deeper to understand the nature of this man, to me helped me heal. I read articles, watched documentaries. Some people in this world lack empathy usually as a result of extreme abuse at an early age. I don't think my boyfriend was physically abused as he wasn't physical. But I think he saw very dysfunctional emotional abuse which he learned and modeled into his own life. Your boyfriend on the other hand was probably physically abused. Knowing this didn't change the fact that I wanted him out of my life for good. But it helped me understand better why this happened to me, why it probably happened to his previous girlfriends and why it will continue to happen to anybody involved with this man. This gave me closure and helped me move on. The less people he has available to him in his life to hurt, the more desperate he will get and in turn will more easily expose himself. A blessing for humanity. So many times I wanted to warn my best friend and let her know she was making a big mistake. But it was too late. She would have to find out for herself. And at that point it was about saving myself. So I had to seperate myself from him and anybody involved with him, regardless if they'd been my friend first. It's time for you to be strong and try your very very hardest to pull yourself out of this harmful cycle. You don't deserve this and none of this is your fault. This man is a very sick individual, independently of you . Even if that means you are going to spend the next six months crying and anxious. If that's what you need to do, then that's what you need. Even that is still a million times better than you going back to this guy. This might feel like the greatest challenge of your life, and maybe it is, but you can do it. I know so many times I felt doomed to despair and hopeless. But I promise time heals all wounds. But you've got to be strong. And know that you are not alone. And that a lot of people, myself included, have pulled themselves out of this type of situation. And once you are out you will never look back. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you can get there. Be assertive, stick to your goal, which is to get out of this cycle. There is only one requirement: NO CONTACT with this man. That's it. Thats just one single task. That's all it takes for you to be set free from this abuse. I know you can handle that. I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 December 2014):
 What is "wrong" with you? I think having dated someone abusive you end up in the mindset that ABUSE is all you deserve, and that being with an abusive person is "better" then being alone, perhaps?
YOU do NOT deserve it. NO ONE deserves to be abused. NO ONE.
So, now you know a MONTH is not enough time for you to remove the emotional attachment you have with him. So... what do you do?
YOU know what to do. Go over your place with a FINE tooth comb - get RID of everything that is his, remind you of him.
Then you END it (I'd do it over the phone NOT in person). Then maybe you should consider finding a counselor and WORK on yourself and find the REASONS you were with him in the first place and why YOU think you don't deserve better. YOU need to do this, FOR you.
Make sure you delete his number, block it, CUT the contact 100%.
IT IS easier said then done, but NO ONE BUT YOU can end this cycle of abuse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2014): Just leave again, keep busy and keep telling yourself this is what he will always do, u will see for yourself that he does it everytime and loves the attention so dont give it him. Tell yourself I know what he wants, me ti keep running after him and being upset so dont give him what he wants.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2014): It wont do any good to hate yourself. Even if you couldn't get away from the relationship in your first try you can always try again. I hope you do. Maybe talk to someone about it if you can. You don't have to suffer it in silence. And no, its not your fault.
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