A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Three years ago, I had emotional affair with a married man when I worked for his family as a live-in nanny. I didn't do anything inapropriate even though I was in love with him. It was all about him. He was smitten which putting me in an extremily awkard situatiation. Non-stop talking about me, teasing, and flirting, even right infront of his wife. His wife knew about it but never said anything. It seemed like they had some kind of agreement. As long as the man didn't hide from his wife, it was not cheating and acceptable. Instead of discipline the husband, the wife watched me like hwak. The way I was treated as if I was their slave. My feeling and my rights seemed didn't exist to them. I felt like a piece of meat. Finally, I left.After I left, I became depressed. It was the unfinished business feeling got into me. I thouth I should talk to that man, clear thing out and had a closure, so I could make peace with him and with myself. The result, the man called his wife while I was talking to him. His wife rushed over and screamed at me in public until he started screaming at me, and said "it's over! If you come back again I'll call the police". And that's not enough, they did call the police acusing me for harrasment. Was I so wrong and deserved it, or I was just bad luck to meet odd couples like them?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2008): The man was looking for 'fun on the side' and you were his designated goal, at that time. Something tells me his wife simply tolerates all his inappropriate behaviors. You can bet your bottom dollar, he has done this in the past , with other females and she has chosen to ignore it. This man was plays 'cat and mouse' games and he loves hitting on other woman and he'll never stop because there aren't any severe consequences. The reason he does this is because he thinks he is a lothario and he has an larger than life ego.
So in a nutshell, you were a temporary diversion and when you left, that bubble was burst. Real life came to light , he didn't get what he wanted and he changed his demeanor with you, simply because you were no longer available and it's quite likely his wife put her foot down. Something she has to likely do, quite often with him. You only error in judgement was...you allowed your emotional boundries to come down and you fell for this married man's charms and attentiveness. Yes, in a way, you were manipulated but as an adult, you must take full accountability for allowing him to do this to you. So I suggest you give this time, and your anxieties over this will fade and go away. The man is not worth all the angst you are putting yourself through. Forget about him and if you can't do this, then ask yourself "what are the odds this was his first time?"
You knew what you were doing. He knew what he was doing. But you got left out in the cold. Is this what you are upset about? Don't be. Had he acted with character, this would never have happened. And had you recognized what he was up to, you wouldn't have fallen for his false, shallow charms. Strike this up as a life lesson and be stronger in the future.
Take care, sweety and use your head, next time. The heart is famous for blurring reality.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): Thank you Irish49, your advice hit in the nail. He did think exactly the same way, but how convince for them. I have feeling too! I feel I was used and am still furious. I never had chance to express my feeling and it frustrated me. Although I was in love with him, I indeed didn’t do anything inappropriate.
Here’s my story:
I was interviewed and hired by the wife. I never met then husband before I started working for them. The couples are both educated with great career achievement in their mid 30’s.
The man was all blushed and speechless the first time we met. I thought he was just simply shy. Later, he acted like a teenager whenever I was around. I became extremely uncomfortable. I tried to avoid him most of the time and didn’t know how to act when he started staring me (most of time). He became frustrated and very moody like a lovesick teen when I tried to ignore him. The wife knew something but didn’t say anything. Until onetime, the wife seemed tired and sick of his non-stop talking about me. She asked him “Do you love her?” He was stunning for few seconds then told her” It’s lust!” Then, both turned silent.
The man’s parents came to visit from England in the second week after I started working for them. They were very close and the man told his parents almost everything. Mom warned the wife about me but the wife didn’t react. Later, the parents started teasing me and watched me like hawk. One time, the wife ignored my question about dinner and walked away. I was just standing there and wondering what I should do next (she’s extremely controlling, didn’t want to tick her off). The mom saw my reaction, turned to her son and said” What’s the matter? Your sweetheart can’t make up her mind?” He whispered to his mother” she will hear that”.
I worked and lived with them for two months. They knew me well enough. The man seemed like me more each day. His attitude toward me changed from threesome jokes to call his son “little brat” when his son gave me hard time. He paid more attention on me than on his 18-month-old son. Still, the wife didn’t say anything, at least not to me.
As for me, there were something happening the moment I saw him and I couldn’t explain what it is. I tried to quit the job in the second week, the wife begged me to stay. Then I tried to avoid him as much as I could. The more I tried to avoid him, the more aggressive he became. Sigh!
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A
female
reader, Angle79  +, writes (12 August 2008):
 If you want peace, move on my dear and forget about your emotional affair! Best wishes!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2008): Stop punishing yourself. It was bad luck. Yes, I will state that you and this man were behaving inappropriately, as you now know. And perhaps, you should be fortunate, these people are no longer a part of your life. Plainly, he played the flirting game with you and his wife made you pay the price. You did the right thing by leaving. However, when you finally left, that should have been the 'closure', you sought. Walking away and never looking back. Done. Over.
So, I'm wondering why you would feel you had unfinished business with him. You wanted to make peace with him? Why? Did you feel you owed him an explanantion? Or he owed you one. Or did you blame yourself for allowing the 'emotional affair' to carry on and you felt guilty? He was part of this scenario, as well. Whatever you felt, realize he 'closed this emotional affair' the day you left. And you need to do the same. Take all your feelings about what happened and use it as a life lesson. Like every other human being you deserve love, not guilt and anxiety, over this.. But just try to understand why you acted, this way...and make a point never to fall for this again. Don't get into that cycle of doing wrong, and then punishing yourself after the fact. It is done...and there is no point in becoming just another sad, miserable person on this planet. Unfortunately there are too many people who already fit into that category. Let this go...
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