A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:First post on a site like this. Any thoughts would help.I admittedly was the rebound guy. I was single and confident when I met her and simply looking for a good time. We had an amazing summer together while she was home from school. She's 20 and still in college while I'm 23 and working. She told me she had a crush on me and even though her ex would call frequently she would never pick up. She said she was having too good a time hanging out with me and never even thought about him. Then she went back to school. Same school as the ex. She told me she wanted badly to get over him and move on but simply wasn't getting the space she needed because their friends and family were so interconnected. Over time (with our lack of physical contact diminished greatly) she started to drift away. We had a couple amazing weekends when she was back in town but the "high" would slowly fade when she went back to school.Long story short. I'm at work 9 hours a day wishing I could still look forward to hanging out with her when I get home. She's at school with all her distractions (including the ex) and slowly, to my chagrin, she stopped returning texts and calls. I couldn't stand it. Especially because what we had was so good and nothing was EVER bad. I made some humiliating attempts to win her attention back and they sometimes worked temporarily but she is now back with the ex because he is there when she needs company and I am in a different city.I know I need to break contact and heal but the hard part for me is the fact that we never fought and always had great chemistry. It seemed like such a no brainer for us to be together but the two things holding it back were 1) distance and 2) her ex (who she admitted wasn't good to her) being there constantly diverting her attention because of their mutual friends. And the "attention"(at least at first) was generally him crying and begging to have her back amidst him having alcoholic tendencies causing her to feel like she had to "take care of him." I now am forced into no contact being the only option as she is "officially" back with the ex. It just kills me because I feel like she would be happier with me if conditions (us being in the same city and her having space from her ex) were different. I now find myself waiting for her and her ex to break up again so she comes running back to me..unhealthy, I know.I've come to the conclusion that her relationship with the ex is not healthy yet she's stuck in a cycle where she still has feelings for him (god knows why) and is willing to put reason aside to be with him. I am now stuck in a lonely, semi-depressed state where I wish I could reach out and make her see she would be better with me at the same time knowing that a long-distance relationship is something she doesn't want.Side Note - I don't have a lack of female attention but I still find myself losing sleep thinking about her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. I told her I didn't want to be friends anymore and it was amazing how quickly everything changed. Before that point she would text me every few days. I knew she was still stringing me on but her contact was like taking a drug. I would be ecstatic for a while but it came with a bad hangover when I realized she still wasn't mine. Now that I don't expect her to call it's much easier to get on with my life. I'm also a stubborn person so there's no way I'd contact her since I was the one to break the friendship off. It was like ripping off a band aid. I didn't want to do it because I anticipated the hurt but it turned out to be a great decision.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 January 2010):
She has low self esteem, and he treats her like rubbish so she went back to him because in her mind she wants to be the women he changes for. It would make her feel better. The reality of course is that he won't change and will be left hurt. But you now know more about her from her actions than all those words she said to you. She's still in love with him. All you can do is work through how you feel, and focus on yourself. Clearly never take her back, you couldn't trust her at all. You'll find someone else who's far more comfortable with their life.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (3 January 2010):
It's pretty apparent that you're not a dumbass, so I think you know you shouldn't be pining over this girl who is a dumbass.
Okay, so you two spent a summer together so that was 3 or 4-months at the most? Of course you two didn't fight or have arguments...everything was grand, it's the "honeymoon" stage. Basically you were there out of convenience (she's probably a codependent person). Even though you probably are the better guy, you don't live in the same vicinity and she prefers to be with the douchebag ex.
Don't be her second choice...you shouldn't even want to, you're better than that and you know it. So seriously, get out there and spend time with your friends and meet new girls! Even if you don't feel like dating them, you don't have to, but at least don't spend time alone feeling sorry for yourself! If you have anything that reminds you of her, get rid of it. Don't try to contact her anymore. I would also suggest that if she does contact you again, do not respond immediately. Give it some time, the end of the day or the next day...if you still feel like responding then do so (I wouldn't advise it), but seriously just giving it an hour afterward, you probably won't even want to talk to her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): Low self esteem people tend to sometimes gravitate toward those who treat them like crap. You treated her well, he treats her like crap.
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