A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been/was in love with a guy for a year now. This is how it played out:- started casually talking as classmates who go to the same college. We immediately clicked and talked every day, for hours- he was extremely charming, intelligent, educated, charismatic. Only after a month of this, he mentioned a 'girl he was seeing', casually. It hurt, but I thought that she must not have been important, for him to talk about her so casually, to have spent all that time with me, given there was no evidence of this relationship on his constantly updated Facebook either. Being delusional, I kept talking to him- nothing else ever happened between us.-I later found out that girl was the girlfriend he had been with for seven months at the time we started talking. Further heartbroken, I decided not to do anything, because I don't want to be anyone's lover, but, not having the strength to cut him out of my life, I tried being just friends. The catch to this guy (other than lying) is that he's a narcissistic, self centered, selfish person who only cares about his needs being satisfied. I witnessed the way he treated other people, his girlfriend and even me in time- thus I decided not to stand for it and disappeared from his life in December. He'd still contact me sometimes, talking to me as though nothing happened- that was, until he completely ignored my birthday in March. After not even receiving a simple 'happy birthday!' on my FB- even if he had been online all day, even if friends of his who barely knew me did it, I contacted him and told him what I thought of his uncaring ways. We had a fight, he deliberately hurt me by saying I had no clue who he was because we'd only seen each other 4/5 times (lies, there were times we'd seen each other that much in ten days) and thus had no right to say anything to him.-We did not talk for two months. He did contact me again after he saw me with another guy, whom I was dating then. Since things with this guy had come to nothing, being fragile, I was sucked into him once more. We talked, saw each other in person again, he was extreordinarily kind and charming to me, then on Sunday he asked to see me outside Uni with a lame excuse. I said yes, figuring it was just like meeting any friend- nothing intimate, just going to a park together and read. He never showed up. I waited for an hour, tried calling him but the phone was constantly unavailable. This was yesterday and so far he hasn't given me any explanation whatsoever about his behaviour. I know it wasn't a date, but even if the person you're seeing is just a friend, you should have the decency to call in case you can't make it. He cares so little about people, fails to do stuff he says he would have not just with me, but anyone, thinks he can do whatever he wants because he's so incredibly smart and charming and, when you try and call him out on it, he finds a way to make it so it's your fault somehow for overreacting and misunderstanding.My question is: should I call him out on this? I fear if I do so, it'll only end up making him see that he hurt me and that I cared, plus I know his behaviour will never change. On the other hand, I hate that he treats people like afterthoughts and dirt and never has to face consequences (the people he deals with are doormats who just nod and take it). He's been online several times since yesterday, surely saw my missed calls- if he wanted to apologize he'd have done so by now. I feel so stupid for ever hoping anything- even just friendship and a normal interaction based on mutual respect- would come out of this person.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012): I am the OP. Thanks everyone for the input. I have decided not to contact him under any shape or form, not even to yell at him about how hurtful his behaviour is, because what's in it for me? Like Aidan said, not only it'd probably only fuel his ego, but it'd be pointless too- he's smart enough to know what's right and what's wrong, he simply doesn't care enough to put in the minimum effort required to be a decent person. Besides, his manipulative skills make you feel as though you are the one at fault in the end, at least somewhat- I experienced this in March-, thus it'd only do more bad than good.You all are right, I'm so tired of interacting with this person, of even thinking about him, because he's just so draining. I can never be emotional or down when I'm with him- I constantly have to be 'on', charming, interesting, witty and ironic to keep him interested- which are all qualities I do possess, but everyone has days when you just want to vent or talk without any puns required. Instead, whenever you do that with him, whenever you even just talk for two minutes about yourself, he loses interest and shuts off the conversation. He's unreliable, can't be trusted at all...he didn't keep his word to me about five times already, and the ironic thing is that I never asked for him to do any of those things in the first place! He offered to do them himself and then just failed to do so. I'm really exhausted and worn out, this past year with him has just cost me so much time, energy, heart, feelings.I'm not going to contact him, but quite honestly I don't know if I'll have the strength not to reply to him when he does call me. Which he will, when he thinks I won't be as pissed as now. He always comes back. I'm a smart girl, but I feel so stupid for falling for his charm every single time. (He's incredibly charming when he wants to be, like every good narcissist and manipulator, good with words like nobody else I've ever met, absolutely brilliant.) It's hard to break free from his hold, because I find myself using words that he would, talking about stuff he would at times...He's had a huge influence on me and it's hard to shake it all off, even if I know I have to. I feel trapped, even I'm aware it's all just in my mind.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 July 2012):
 I would stay far far away from this guy. He sounds like bad news on all fronts.
Why bother with this fellow? From what you have written there is nothing that speaks for him, that makes him seem like he could be worth the time.
Trust your gut, you gut doesn't like him....
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (7 July 2012):
 "he's a narcissistic, self centered, selfish person who only cares about his needs being satisfied."
These are very undesirable qualities, not only in a boyfriend, but for a friend as well. This is the behavior of someone you really don't need in your life. Just write him off and move on. your heart and head will thank you for it later.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (6 July 2012):
Don’t bother calling him, he probably enjoys people chasing after him. He’s clearly a manipulative, selfish and uncaring individual. You might think that it would feel good to confront him about how appallingly he treats people, but he won’t care. He’ll be indifferent to your upset, and probably get a kick out of knowing that you’re still bothered enough about him to confront him. You are better off with this person out of your life. The answer to your problem is simple: don’t expect anything from him, even friendship. Delete his number, don’t take his calls or respond to his messages. You can’t change him, he offers you nothing but disappointment and hurt.
I wish you all the very best.
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