A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I apologise for the length of this but I think the question needs a bit of background.I have been with my boyfriend for three years now, and for the first 18 months there were big questions over his fidelity. I found naked pictures of girls, dirty texts etc on his phone, and all the messages between him and these other girls pointed to the fact that he had indeed met up with them and cheated. But, after a lot of talking and working things out I decided to stay with him and give it another shot. He was the only person I had kissed, the one I had given my virginity to, so I thought it was worth trying again. And to be fair to him, he has been very attentive and caring over the last year or so of the relationship, I genuinely feel that he has turned a corner and wants to be with me.But 6 months ago I had what I describe in my head as a little wobble. I started having these doubts about staying in a relationship that could very well end up for the rest of my life. All the memories of his past infidelities and some of the issues with things he's said to me in arguments etc started to haunt me. My parents have a very bad relationship, my father cheats on my mother constantly, some she finds out about it, sometimes she doesn't. I always have an inkling thought because I've learned to look for the signs and know when my father is being shifty. Basically,I'm terrified of ending up in a relationship like that. If I turned out like my mother in that respect I don't think I could handle it.So, with all of these fears and doubts in mind I asked my boyfriend to take a break. He was distraught and I felt terrible, but I needed some headspace to think things through. The problem came with the arrival of a new guy at work.Let me make this clear, I did not find him attractive and did not think of him in any way other than as a friend. But, admittedly i liked the attention he gave me on this break, we flirted a bit and it was nice to have someone want to get to know you. I confided in him a lot about my relationship and it was nice to have someone who didn't see me as part of a couple, just me as myself and give impartial advice. It was driving my boyfriend insane, the flirting etc, and let me make this clear, I knew it was wrong. But I had a confidante, and there was no one else I could talk to so openly and honestly about the situation as me and my boyfriend shared a group of friends.During the break there was a night when we all went to a bar, the new guy and my boyfriend included. Me and my boyfriend got into a HUGE fight, and I mean huge. He yelled at me and embarrassed me in front of our friends and I think I said some pretty unsavoury things to him to. I ended up leaving in a taxi with the new guy so he could take me home, I was pretty drunk by this point, I had had 8 glasses of wine and as I don't often drink I would say I was pretty out of it.In the back of the taxi with this guy I was sobbing, literally snot faced crying about what to do with my relationship. And this guy started telling me that my boyfriend couldn't love me, he treated me like a doormat, I was worth more, my boyfriend was a cheater, I should never be treated like that, you get the gist of it. This obviously made me cry even harder.And then he kissed me. I honestly can't say how long the kiss lasted, or even if I kissed him back. I don't think I did but I can't be 100% sure. I broke the kiss and got out of the car, I did NOT sleep with him. The next day I text the guy and told him I can't believe he did that, he said let's forget it and we haven't spoken about it since. He had tried to kiss me once before but I had told him to not try it again, categorically don't do it ever again. I thought we had moved past it and tried to forget it but obviously not. I should have stopped hanging out with him the first time, but like I said, it was nice to speak to somebody.A month later me and my boyfriend got back together and are happier than ever. But fast forward 6 months and the guilt is still tearing me apart. It was half my fault for being in that situation and leading the guy on. But I didn't ask him to kiss me and I didn't want him to. He would have slept with me if I had been up for it but obviously I wasn't. I hate him for taking advantage of me while I was drunk and crying like that.But I know my boyfriend would never forgive me if I told him. He TOLD me he would never forgive me if anything happened between me and that guy. To this day he still thinks that I've only ever kissed him and it would break him apart if he knew. Especially as the flirting was tearing him apart and I had told him categorically nothing happened. On top of it all we all work together, and it would be the most awful thing for the whole office to find out. My boyfriend would be humiliated and I would feel so terrible I can't even imagine it.My question is, at the end of all of this, should I feel guilty for what happened? Was it my fault? And is honesty the best policy here or is it kinder to say nothing and live with the guilt? I don't want to tear a now happy relationship apart over one emotional drunken mistake.I don't know what to do. I can't bear to have my boyfriend think I can't be trusted as I have never done something like that before nor ever ever will again. I know telling him would ruin the trust he has in me.I just need some advice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2015): I don't think your boyfriend sounds like the nicest of guys, and just know that you don't have to stay with him - you seem to be with him because you don't know anything different. In this instance I wouldn't say a word. You haven't cheated, someone tried to kiss you and you asked them to stop and they did. Nothing else happened. Maybe on your break in the relationship, you should have had a real break away from your bf (not meeting up) and away from other guys too. Confiding in another guy about relationship issues isn't recommended, they will think you are unhappy and see themselves as the one to change that. Even if you told your bf, if he genuinely would never trust you after that he sounds quite immature. You clearly know he fully cheated on you, yet he would lose trust in you when you turned down another guy?You're so young, your relationship at this stage of life should be happy and fun. Not full of worry and hurt. Do not stay with someone because they are all you know, so he might be the first person you kissed etc... but that doesn't mean you're bound to them for life. You should ask yourself if you are truly happy with your boyfriend or are with him out of habit.
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