A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Yesterday I got harassed and I'm still feeling bad about it.I was feeling upset after finishing a therapy session, so I went to my favorite coffee shop to make myself feel better. I was sitting by myself with my drink when this guy approached me and asked me how I was doing. Answering honestly (I've felt better) he walked the other way before turning around and approaching me again. He asked to talk to me outside so we went right outside the coffee shop.He told me that they don't like him hanging around in there and asked me my name, age, and if I had eaten. He kept telling me how pretty I was. He kept pressing me for a way to keep in contact so I asked for his number so I wouldn't have to give mine. He asked me to call him but I said my phone wasn't working too well and I would text him later.I said that I wanted to head home, so I went back into the coffee shop. He started talking to one of the baristas so I quickly went out the side door. He followed me out and followed me to my car. He asked me if I wanted to see his car, and after declining multiple times he gave me a hug, made sure I had his number, and left.I know I shouldn't have gone outside with him. I know I shouldn't have let him follow me to my car. I know there are things I could have handled better, but all-in-all it was just really uncomfortable.I quickly left the parking lot, drove around the block, and made sure I wasn't being followed before I went back to the coffee shop. I know the manager, and he walked up to me and asked me what happened. Apparently he's been creeping around and harassing women. He was glad that I had gotten his name/number because they didn't know it before. He gave me a pen and paper to write a report before heading home.I'm still feeling really uncomfortable and I don't know why. Yesterday I was already having a bad day, but I would have thought it would have gone away by today. The coffee shop is not where I live, it was all in broad daylight, and the only touching was some hugs. So long as I stay inside the shop I'll be ok. But I feel the same as I did after my car accident. I've gone back to the coffee shop multiple times today and I'll be going back once more to follow up with the manager who was there yesterday.I don't know why it's making me feel so uncomfortable, worse things have happened to people, but I want to know if there's anything I can do to make myself feel less anxious(?)
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): I know why it makes you feel uncomfortable OP because of how easy it was for that guy to do all those things and pressure you. I'd feel very uncomfortable knowing I lack the backbone to protect myself too.
Even in moments of mental anguish and weakness you must always maintain control of yourself and your environment and be able to make the right choices otherwise you'll just be another victim. It was all too easy for this guy to treat you this way and instead of standing up for yourself, you caved and turned to mush.
This feeling of discomfort you feel OP is realizing he was in control and could have done anything he wanted to you and you would have been powerless to stop him, not because it wouldn't have been possible but because you're all too easy.
OP I think it's disturbing and somewhat funny how many women blame those creepy guys for this kind of thing but they only do this to weak women, women too afraid to stand up for themselves. I used to blame those guys too until I saw how my current girlfriend deals with guys like that. We were in a fast food place a few years back and were approached by a junkie who demanded she gave him her phone claiming he had a diseased needle. She calmly asked him if he really thought that needle was going to protect him from my response should he harm her in any way. He insisted she hand over her phone and she told him to fuck off an find someone else, I stood and he walked away. We were both scared as hell too.
You see creeps feed off women who look like and act like victims, soft girls that acted like you did, that pretty much tried to run away from him avoid conflict rather than stepping up and telling him fuck off. You see sometimes it's better to act decisively to prevent conflict rather than run away from it.
You see my girlfriend is actually quite short and doesn't possess any kind of great physical strength but she's a fiery woman when cornered and knows that the only way to deal with creeps is head on and firmly, if you flake and retreat they smell blood and will continue to harass you, indeed it's girls that do this that end up on the news. The majority of women and men that end up as victims of others were acting like victims from the outset.
My mother taught me when I was a kid how to deal with bullies and situations of danger on the street. She taught me to always walk on the street with determination and my head held high. A person walking confidently down the street and showing no fear is very unlikely to be a victim because scumbags don't want a fight they want an easy target. Someone who shy's away from confrontation, someone who will cross the street to avoid a group of boisterous teenagers telegraphs the fact they are scared and they might aswell carry a big sign saying I will do anything you want because I fear you.
OP the only way you're going to get over this kind of discomfort is to learn to have the mental fortitude to be very direct with people that make you uncomfortable. This guy would have walked away if you told him firmly and loudly to leave you alone, you're not interested in a chat while you were sat there in the coffee shop. You knew there was something creepy and wrong him pretty much from the start so you should have been firm and direct with him.
I've had this discussion before with lots of my female friends they always say things like "that's not me" or "I don't want to offend him" my reply is always "then don't complain when this guy fucks you over and creeps you out then because it's easily prevented."
OP go do a martial art if you need to learn to be more confident when dealing with people like him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): This would be a great discussion for your next therapy session. I tend to question your anxiety versus your intrigue. You allowed this person to touch you and to approach you twice, that's something to investigate.
You may need to look at your boundaries. You may need to think about your assertiveness. You may need to find a new coffee shop until you do this, just for personal safety of course, that's a good boundary.
But this is an interesting event that can lead to alot of answers for you. Take it to the sofa.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2012): I'm sorry this happened and that it has creeped you out so much. Don't go back to the coffee shop for a while at least. That is great that you got his information for them.You're upset because from what you said happened this guy was potentially dangerous and you had a near escape. Just be glad that you had the good sense not to give him your contact info. If someone is acting weird again like that don't be afraid to be rude, loud and vocal- go inside the store and tell someone what is going on. You might want to get some mace for situations like this also. I always carry some now after I had my purse snatched.I think your fear reaction will subside in time. I had an experience walking alone on a highway at night once and I'm sure this guy was a serial killer or something to that effect, but by keeping my wits about me and acting like someone who was not a victim I handled the situation and lost him at a traffic light where there were more cars. I had to run across the highway twice and hide in trees. He was driving around trying to find where I had gone. At one point initially I actually walked right past him with a wide berth- he had stopped on the side of the road and was pretending to do something with his car and he had rope. I still remember this and when I've told other people about it they agreed that it was a life threatening situation and they said that they had had similar experiences- you just know when you're in danger, your animal instincts come into play.You've had an accident and you're in therapy so be careful who you talk to as they can tell you're vulnerable now if they are someone trying to take advantage.Feel better.
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (10 February 2012):
 I'm assuming you're feeling anxious because you're worried he's going to show up at the coffee shop again? Or follow you? Or find out that you wrote the police report?Try not to worry. The management is well aware of this guy now, and thanks to you, they have his contact information. If he shows up, the management knows who he is, they will not let him inside because they will have the female customers' best interest in mind. It's also good that the manager knows you, he'll keep an eye out for you.If you're still feeling uncomfortable, but you want to keep going to the coffee shop, bring a friend. I don't recommend going to another coffee shop to avoid him. He's been kicked out of your coffee shop and he's going to look for another place to creep on women. If you're worried that he is going to follow you, just stay alert and watch out for cars that might be following you. The chance of this is unlikely because as you mentioned, the management said he was creeping on other women as well, so it's unlikely that he's singling you out. You said he walked you to your car, but unless your car is very distinguishable, you know, like it's hot pink with a hello kitty sticker on the window, he's probably not going to remember your car. And don't worry about him finding out that you wrote a police report or anything like that, you were smart and didn't give your number. Stay on guard most importantly, but if you're still feeling very anxious, make a point to talk about it at your next therapy session. Go hang out with your friends, have a good time with them, and hopefully that will calm your nerves a tad. Good luck, and be safe.
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