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female
,
anonymous
writes: Dear All, I need some feedback and help moving in the right direction. I was dating a wonderful guy for 8 months or so I thought. In that time I feel in love with him. We had our problems like most couples but I never thought that these issues were so grand that we should break up. One of the issues was his drinking, he would generally drink to get drunk. I am not that much of a drinker, so this would bother me especially since he is 33 years old and, well, I felt he should be beyond this in life. I worry for him because his brother is an alcoholic and that is something genetic. And while he did not go drinking a ton it still bothered me.Another problem is that before meeting me he had a 13 year relationship with his high school sweetheart and then had only been broken up with her a year prior to meeting me. He still harbors anger towards her which I guess is understandable. But not healthy in my opinion.But the reason he dumped me (two weeks before Christmas - over the phone)was that he said I was much too independent for him, a feminist , a liberal and that he would never marry a feminist because it reminded him of his mother, whom he doesn't really get along with. In addition, he said that he would not marry someone who would not take his last name, something that I was not sure about. I thought I might want to keep my maiden name and then add his. But he says that because we are so different we should not move forward with the relationship because it is doomed to fail and he will not waste years of his life trying to make something work that is not meant to, because he had already done so. On a side note, just a few weeks prior to this, he was trying to get me to move closer to where he lived and acting all loving and thoughtful ~ What the hell - Please let me know what you think of this ?Thanks much - Dumped and Hurting ~
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tinkz  +, writes (27 December 2005):
 Sweetpea!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being independant.
As far as you should be concerned is that you need a man with his own independance which he obviously lacks.
You should be relieved cause you don't need a jerk like that in your life that won't compromise.
If he really loved you he wouldn't compare you to his mother, because you 2 different people.
At least you found out before you took it to the marriage level.
I know it's hurting but angel, find someone who can love you for you not for what they want you to be. I'm not saying get over it in a day, it will take some time, but you will heal and you will find someone special, you just have to let yourself open up to someone else.
A
female
reader, honey_62002 +, writes (27 December 2005):
Same problem as me! Its terrible being dumped so close to xmas and especially when you loved the person so much.
Your ex sounds exactly like mine and this all happened to me a month ago. My ex had a problem with alcohol and we too had problems in our relationship like other couples and only the day before we broke up were talking of marriage and our babies. It is so so hard to deal with and very confusing and i can't give you a solution to how you are feeling now as i'm still going through the stages myself - but i am a couple weeks in front of you in the grieving process.
I think the alcohol thing probably plays a big part in what has happened. I have done a lot of research on aloholics and what the wives of alcoholics go through and honestly we have had a lucky escape!!! If they are drinking to get drunk they are obviously drowning away their problems instead of dealing with them and that isnt a good basis for a strong marriage. He would probably end up putting the bottle before you or any problems in the future. I suggest you look at some of these websites....type it into google whenever you feel like you miss him - think of the crap times, thats what i try to do!
I'm so glad you are confident and haven't changed who you are to please him. I began to try and change myself to suit him and what he wanted and that is a really bad thing. He wanted kids, family right now and i wanted it in the future, although i was starting to change my mind to suit him.
Be who you are, don't be ashamed of that. Now you need to let go of him. Remember he finished with you and you were willing to stick by him, but it was his choice to end it so try to pick up the pieces and get on with your life.
If you want to chat by e-mail leave a post on here and i'll try and get my e-mail address to you. We have a lot in common it seems! Either way hope you are ok and managing through this horrible time, with support from good friends and family like i am!
:-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2005): A guy who dumps you because you are too independent is a jerk. I have had several guys do that.Maybe you do remind him of his mom, but if he can't appreciate you for who you are then he dosen't deserve you. You are who you are and no one can change that.
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A
reader, pops +, writes (25 December 2005):
Count yourself as very fortunate to find this out before you married this jerk. Find someone else. No one feels good about being dumped, but you should be breathing a sigh of relief. You obviously don't have much in common with this guy, and his drinking problem is a big warning sign of problems to come. He at least was very honest with you, and you should respect, and eventually thank him for that. I assure you that you will meet and date other men who are not so honest.
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