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male
age
41-50,
*rokenagain
writes: Ok, well this is one of those things where I have no Idea to start, so we'll start at the begenning. Good a place as any, right? My wife and I were friends from the start, from there it turned into "friends with benefits". I knew she wanted me and was willing to chase me from the start, but I was unsure of what I wanted. We actually split up for about 2 weeks while I dated another girl that I thought was better for me. Looking back, I know it was a hurtful thing to do on my part, but I feel like it took me not having her to really appreciate what she meant to me. After I left the other girl I moved back in with my then-girlfriend. From that point on, though, everything was different. It was me chasing her instead of her chasing me. Now, on to our current problems. I've always had problems with my emotions and depression and up until about a year or two ago I had a way to deal with them, I drank and did drugs, althought I didn't realize that's what it was at the time. After I stopped the drink and drugs, I feel like I turned all my problems inward. When I came across a feeling I didn't know how to deal with, I'd shove it down inside of me and shut down that part of me. The past six months have been hard ones for me, I sank lower than I'd ever been before. There were times where I felt like I just couldn't enjoy life or anything it gave me. I was miserable all the time and not willing to do anything about that, because I felt that I'd just end up miserable in the end anyway. I feel like these times hurt my wife becuase she was the one there telling me to get help and trying to push me to go out and do things that would make me happy, but I resented her for it. I felt like she was trying to push me away, since I didn't really see how far down the spiral I was. This fall things came to a head, I think she was fed up with my not listening, and I was tired of what I saw as her pushing me away. I took these things out on her too, I was resentful and was, in all honesty,a complete asshole to the most important person in my life. One evening we got into a huge fight when she got home from work and we both said the things that had been on our minds, and I ended up leaving to stay with family for a couple weeks. While I was away I realized things about myself, I started therapy and I was prescribed anti-depressants, and have been trying to work on all the things that I should have been doing all along. I moved back in on Christmas Eve and have been staying here ever since. I've talked with my wife and she say's that she is done with me and that she doesn't love me like she used to and she's not able to give me another chance. The only problem is, that she says one thing, but it seems like she does another. We sleep in the same bed every night, and there are nights where she'll come in after I'm asleep and curl up with me and interlock fingers with me and it always seems like these times are on the days when it's the worst. What should I think about that? I also found out that when we were apart she went to visit a guy in another state and ended up staying the night, after telling me that she was going shopping for the weekend. What gets me about this is the fact that she was supposed to be gone for 2 days, but she came back a day early and haven't really talked to the guy since. Can I read too much into that? I guess I just want some advice. I don't know if I should give up and walk away or if I should come around and suffer and show her that I'm not just saying these things, and I'm not just doing it all to get her back. What do you think I should do?
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female
reader, Reebe  +, writes (4 January 2007):
 I agree with lily223 show her what you've written, I think she needs to read it.
Her saying she doesn't feel the same about you anymore may be true, she may tho still love you just in a different way. and as much as you love someone your first instinct is to protect yourself, which is what she may be doing.
You have both have neen through a tough time but sometimes it's harder for the person on the out side watching it all fall apart.
She has had to deal with you leaving her, you being with someone else and dealing with someone elses depression is very very draining on someone else (sorry to be blunt)
She sounds to me as if she cars for you alot, but is maybe just tired of the situation.
You both need therapy of some sort, together and individually. Please go and see your doctor and ask what they recommend and do show her this emaail, it may help her realise how you feel too.
Good lick i hope it all works out!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2007): She wants to forgive but is so uncertain if she does...it means bringing back the pain and heartache of the past. She has been hurt so much and your bond has suffered so much.
She does love you. So much.
It is hard to forgive and get the closure and peace when everything is still so fresh. The wounds haven't healed; they still bleed.
It is also hard to be strong when you are hardly strong yourself. This would seem like so much work; overwhelming.
Don't give up.
The two of you need to go to counselling and individual counselling.
You need to own up to all the things you have said and done...every one you can recall, be honest and be brutal about what you have done. Lay it all out. Tell her you are so sorry and you want and need the chance to prove to her your desire to change and do what is right.
That you will stay in counselling for X years and that you think it is best if you get couple's counselling and she would be able to get stronger and happier if she has someone to talk to herself. Tell her it does help.
Write her a note each day telling her why you love her. I remember this day...when you did this for me...how much I love you.
Woo her back. Be patient. Be loving. Be her friend.
Hold and hug her lots; she needs it. Rock her, comfort her.
I hope you the Best.
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A
female
reader, Lilly223  +, writes (4 January 2007):
 Sit her down in front of the computer, pull this post up on the screen, say "I wrote this, please read it, and tell me what you think." Then leave the room and wait for her to come to you.
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