A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:things were fine with my boyfriend for a year or so, however a particular situation ended up being very hard for me and i became depressed. i mean seriously depressed not just bummed. i had negative thoughts constantly and i started being an idiot to live with, i started being controlling and started to resent everyone around me for being so happy. i started envying my boyfriend, and his happy self. when i got drunk all my emotions would come to the surface, my bf would be happy drinking, and i would get bitter, why can he drink and be happy, not fair, so id become narky with him, start snapping and ruin his night.i thought about not drinking, but then though why? everyone else can, i just want to be normal like everyone else, so i drank when we went out. i just changed, became hard work. we've split before cos he couldnt handle my behaivour but tried again, said id change, and i did try my hardest to change, but i couldnt because the actuall problem was i needed antidepressantd, medical help for my depression, changing, was out of my hands. so life carried on. basically he called time out yesterday, has had enough, i said we need space and i'll change - he said wed said that before, he then said that he just wasnt happy being with me anymore. needed a change. but ive never told him about my depression...i was waiting for him to ask me if i was ok, thought hed notice something wasnt right, but he never asked, so i never told him, its a hard thing to tell. ive written a letter explaining my depression where it started, how i feel bitter about suff, how i envy his happiness, and iv told him i need to go to a doctor and get medicine - this is all in the letter - i also said that id like to give it another go, and this time it will be different because im actually seeking medical help, which i should have done in the beginning. i asked for a chance again because with medication i will definately go back to being my old self... do you think he will read this seriously... its not yet another plea for him to take me back, its a real thing, i really want to get medical help. will he see the fact that im suffering with a condition - and maybe have second thoughts about ending it, because my behaivour hasnt been in my control over the last year or so. do you think he will appreciate what ive told him. i even said he could come with me to the doctors, hold my hand, cos im so nervous about telling the docs my feelings. do you think its definitely the end or will he see how serious im being about sorting myself out? help me please :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2007): I think you can text him that you are OK, but I would hold off on the letter. You wrote it for yourself, you know now how you feel, but you are also feeling very rejected right now, and I bet if you read that letter to yourself in a couple of weeks, you will be amazed at what a lot of crap there is in it, that once you have had time to realize his part in it, you will feel less like groveling and more like standing up for yourself and asking for what YOU want....don't let someone tell you who you are, refuse to believe what he says about you, you are a wonderful human being, and you deserve happiness.
Please get the help I described tomorrow!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2007): Hi, first off let me commend you for recognizing depression and that you need some help. This tells me that you are in fact a very strong person, one with character, and you may be blaming yourself for 100% of the problems in your current relationship because you are a strong person and because you are depressed.
This attitude is not entirely fair to you, your boyfriend is in this relationship, too, and if he really really was a loving person, nothing you did short of having a serious substance abuse problem would turn him away from you.
It may be that you both lack maturity and are at a time in your lives when furthering this relationship just does not make sense. So, don't work and plead and try to convince your boyfriend to come back, he won't suddenly say ahah, so she has an excuse for her behavior and I need to rally to her side and take her back! He will most likely see it as pressure and another attempt by you to justify yourself so that he will forgive you and take you back.
I don't read anything here that you need a whole lot of forgiveness for, your boyfriend on the other hand, dumped you, and if anyone needs do any forgiving on their part before taking someone back, it is you.
It is great though that you have recognized your problems, depression, and drinking and your need for possible medication. Alcohol is a depressant by the way. It elevates a person's mood for awhile, but when coming down it actually makes even the most jovial a little sad, and that is part of the reason people develop drinking problems, they need another drink to climb back up out of the foul mood, it is a vicious cycle, so don't drink to excess. Moderate drinking for women is one 4 oz glass of wine or beer a day. Women do not metabolize alcohol the same way a man does, we lack an important enzyme, so we get drunk faster, and too much drinking has major effects on our health. Women who drink to excess are more at risk for breast cancer and even heart disease, so remember that the next time you try to keep up with a man while drinking.
Your next steps should be to make an appointment with your physician and be very honest and specific about describing your thoughts, worries, behavior and sadness and how and when it occurs. Your doctor can actually prescribe these antidepressants, and you will need to be on them for awhile before they start working, and you may need to change the dose or the prescription all together as you take them for awhile to get the proper treatment for yourself. These medications do wonders to take the edginess off of your mood, and make you more even keeled, they do not change who you are or take away your personal issues, feelings or problems. You need to ask for a referral to a PhD Level Cognitive Behavioral Psychologist or a Behavioral Psychologist and start going to therapy so that you can work your way out of this depression. There is hope and you will be so happy that you did this for yourself.
As far as getting your boyfriend back, the best way to do that is to take the above steps, and he will "see for himself" the changes in you, and if he loves you, he will be back. Who knows, once your depression lifts and you talk it over with a good therapist, you may see him in a different light and decide this relationship is not for you and could have contributed to your depression.
All the best to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2007): ITS ME the one who posted the question.....
forgot to say, i havent sent him the letter, and wanted to know if i should? he loved the old me, and i can only become the old me again with medical help. will he see this? and realise this?
i think im going to die. we split yesterday... is it too soon to send him the letter explaining everything i havent told him? will the letter freak him out? i havent contacted him whatsoever, hes sent a few messages, saying 'are you ok' im ignoring them though.
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