A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was with my ex for 5.5 years roughly. About 3 years in, I lost my sex drive. It had a lot to do with being on the pill but we also started having problems which didn't help. For the last year of our relationship, I hated sex, truly hated it, yet because I loved him I continued to do it. Not as often as before, but maybe two or 3 times a week. He constantly complained about the fact I'd 'lost my mojo' and I felt really bad about it. I still loved him and I didn't want him to leave me because he wasn't being satisfied. When I look back I think he knew I wasn't enjoying it but he wanted sex so he didn't question it too deeply. It got to the point where I dreaded it. I even cried once during sex because I really didn't want it, but I hid it from him (he was behind me).I believed my lack of desire was a phase at first, then I believed there was something wrong with me. I'd become one of 'those' women who hates sex and I'd just have to lie back and think of England to keep my partner happy for the rest of my life. I did a lot of research online and people (mostly sex-starved partners) pointed out that having sex isn't an unpleasant activity, so the partner with less desire should really just suck it up on a regular basis to keep their partner happy. Which seems fair - you can't expect monogamy then not put out right?Except it was unpleasant. I began to resent the fact I was having sex when I really didn't want to, especially when he'd complain it wasn't frequent enough. I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling regularly but he took it personally every time and I didn't want to hurt him or make him feel I wasn't attracted to him. Because I did, objectively speaking, still think he was a really handsome man. But that attraction didn't extend to sexual feelings for him (or anyone else by this point).This all came to a head about 2 years ago and when our other issues also became too much, I just couldn't do it any more and I ended it. I'm overall much happier and I've stopped taking the pill which means I now feel sexual desire again. But I think I've damaged my thinking by forcing myself to go along with sex I didn't want for so long. Even though I do desire sex physically now, I'm also finding myself resenting the fact that in any new relationship I will again be expected to keep the man sexually satisfied. Which logically I know sounds crazy and unfair, but I can't seem to shake it. It's like I associate sex with the man's pleasure now and I feel so annoyed that I'll probably be asked to suck it up and have sex for the benefit of a partner again sometime in the future. I really want to go back to the woman I was that used to love sex, both giving and receiving, but I can't seem to overcome this negative mindset.I'm on a waiting list for therapy but that could take 9 months on the nhs, and I'm still single do its not an immediate issue. Plus I know this is all my own fault - I let it get as bad as it did and I shouldn't have. I really thought I was doing the right thing to save my relationship but I compromised myself instead.I suppose I'm just looking for some words of advice or guidance from anyone who has been through something similar or has any ideas I could try to fix this?
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my ex, sex drive, the pill Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 October 2016):
 This guy has done emotional damage to you. He knew you did not want sex but he turned a blind eye for his own needs. That is not a man that loves his girlfriend that is someone who is selfish. I am sorry you went through that and you will need therapy to help deal with these issues as they have left there mark on you.
Sweetie all I can say is spend time trying to heal. Recognize that he was in the wrong not you. You felt you had to do these things, but you didn't and that is why you are thinking this way now. Not all men are as selfish as he was thankfully. Wait for the therapy. If someone does come along take it slow and get to know them and remember not all men are the same.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2016): I think, we feel sex is a very male thing, in terms of watching porn and talking about it with mates. It's easier for guys to reach an orgasm than a girl so I think growing up, when we have sex the guy always reaches an orgasm and usually girls don't. It's only when they get older, but sometimes by that time we've just had enough of them not giving us what we want! And then we have a negative view on it.When I was younger sex was always for the guy, when he wanted to, and as soon as he had orgasmed we stopped. And I didn't question it. I didn't know it could be any different.I had the same as you, I was on the pill and lost my sex drive but still had sex just to please him. I felt guilty. But it got to a point where it actually repulsed me. I would be nervous to get in bed or watch a film as I knew what was coming. And I did love him, and I wanted to want to have sex, I just couldn't be bothered.Then, he realised he ought to be trying more with me and I said it wasn't about that. He ended up doing loads of research and really trying with me, and now when we have sex, he makes me orgasm clitorally before we even begin to have sex, which makes everything feel nicer. Honestly believe that most women aren't getting the sex they deserve, as we aren't taught anything about it, and we just feel it's a very male thing.I would do some research and listen to some podcasts, and use sex with your boyfriend for you! It's like a hobby you need to keep practicing until you know exactly what you want from it.Also, even though you don't want to incinuate it, maybe tell him not to try it on with and wait for you to try it on with him. Then, there's no pressure, you know he's not going to try it on with you, and maybe then it will feel like a bit like a chase and you'll want to try it on with him!
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (23 October 2016):
 I'm glad you're on the waiting list for therapy, because it'll do you a lot of good!
I read your post twice through, and something stood out to me:
The guy you were with didn't even realize that you were crying during sex. He was behind you, and I'm guessing that this particular position was not your idea. I may be wrong about this, but you mentioned that it had become a pattern for him to not to care that you didn't want it so much. This guy you were with wasn't a very good guy.
Especially if near the end, as you say, you were having sex 2-3 times per week and he was still complaining about it, I don't think you realize how mistreated you were by this guy.
This guy treated your sexuality as something he was entitled to as your boyfriend. Nothing could be further from the truth. Being in a relationship doesn't entitle anyone to anything at any stage. Being married is the same way - the guy you were with didn't care about your feelings as long as you "put out".
I mentioned the position you were in as you cried "he was behind" because I got a vibe that his sexual consideration for you was influenced by porn. I'm not an anti-porn person, but the worst thing about porn is that it takes all expression of love and connection from the act. Everything about it is about using the woman (both the man in the act as well as the men and women watching the porn) to get off physically. Your boyfriend was doing the same thing to you, using your body and detaching all notion of true intimacy from the act. He was so detached, in fact, that he didn't even care about where you were at emotionally while it was going on. Another aspect of porn that I saw to a lesser extent was one of dominance, and he displayed that both in his lack of caring, but also the position itself AND his complaint that he wasn't getting enough even though 2-3 times per week is not a bad amount!
You need to reclaim that. YOUR sexuality isn't under control by anyone else. You have sex because you want it AND because you want to connect with your partner in so many more ways than just some physical position.
You also said this: "I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling regularly but he took it personally every time and I didn't want to hurt him or make him feel I wasn't attracted to him. ". He was manipulating you with pressure that I'm sure extended to other areas that weren't about sex, hence your other issues you had. Why did his being handsome entitle him to sex from you? I'm guessing he manipulated you by making you feel like he could get it from someone else if you didn't make him happy enough. That's emotional abuse, and you're now wearing very real and very hurtful scars of that.
The pill has definite sexual side effects. If you decide to go back on a hormonal birth control regimen, you should tell your doctor of your past difficulties because there are things that can offset that OR different medicines with fewer side effects more gentle for you.
You are under ZERO obligation to give your partner anything. The whole notion of making your partner happy or satisfied is wrong. We are responsible for our own happiness, and sex is an act of love freely given.
Your last partner was your last partner. He isn't every man, and every man isn't like he was. There are many men who couldn't bear to not be sure that their partners weren't satisfied and wouldn't put their own selfish desires ahead of her. That's the very definition of love. They'd be the one going with you to the doctor or trying new things to help enhance your pleasure, because they get greater pleasure from knowing that the act of sex turned you on. So never fake anything with any future partner. Don't do it to please him, or to get the sex over with, or anything! Not every sexual encounter ends in orgasm for you, and a wise and mature man doesn't make you feel guilty for that fact any more than you would make him feel guilty for the occasional erectile dysfunction.
Head to therapy, but before then, tell yourself every day that it was because of the guy you were with, not your obligation to every guy. Look in the mirror and reclaim every aspect of your sexuality now and forever. If you have to, look at yourself and say "I share my body because I will it. No man has claim to any expression, any action, any position, or any aspect of my sexual quality, quantity, or function". Keep saying it until you believe it yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2016): For women, much more than men, sex is an expression of love. You're right that too often most of us stay in relationships way longer than we should. I was in an abusive relationship and ended up hating my partner. I continued having sex even though I didn't want to and felt physically sick and repulsed at times. After I left it was a few years before I could think normally again and my sex drive returned.Sex is only pleasurable if you want to do it and enjoy it. It's not like taking the bins out or washing up; something you can do on autopilot and forget all about. For me it was time, being with someone that I really wanted to be with and didn't resent that made all the difference. You'll get every kind of opinion online and while sex is the be all and end all to some it isn't for everyone. Sex doesn't stop people cheating as two of my friends, one of whom had sex every day, discovered their husbands were having affairs. Ironically my husband has ED so we rarely have sex but I have no intention of cheating and it isn't that important to me.
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