A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im a 28 year old female whos been having an intense sexual affair with another man for the past three years..my husband recently found out about us and told me to stop or else..I stopped seeing this other man, hoping my relationship with my husband would get better,which it did, but I still cant get this other man out of my mind...he's single and I think he has a girlfriend, so he doesnt call me...I call him at his apartment where we spent many nights in his bed, but I always get his answering machine and i just hang up...I drove down his street past his place last week, but his car wasnt there and no lights were on.. we finally talked,(he called me at work out of the blue) and he wants me to come over his apartment..I said I'd call him back when I wasnt at work...I dont think its a good idea to go to his apartment, but I'm willing to meet him somewhere for a drink...what does everyone think of my situation? Ive tried but cannot get him out of my mind...Any advice?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 March 2017):
 Divorce your husband and stop treating him like a door mat. The poor man what must you be putting him through. You are a very selfish individual and all you think about is yourself. You don't seem to care who you hurt. End your marriage and then you are free to see who you want.
A
male
reader, Aussie Guy  +, writes (5 March 2017):
OP: What do you want from life? You are 28 years old but you are acting like a teenager who dosnt know what they want. Why did you get married when you cannot be faithful do you love your husband? You need to determine if you want to stay married to your husband or be free to be free and easy with other men. What is it that your lover gives you that your husband dosnt? You marriage is dying and you do not know it. If your marriage is not being nourished and growing it is dying. You seem to be spending more time thinking about your lover than your husband so your marriage is dying. You should read Womens Infidilety by Michelle Langley. She explains the stages this takes also that when a women has an affair it can become addictive. Maybe this is what you like is the illictenous being married and having sex with another man? You need to grow up you may end up alone with know one. Will your lover stick around if your husband finds out you are being unfaithful again and everything turns into a mess? Have you tried marriage counselling with a professional counsellor? Good luck I think you are going to need it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2017): ihelpyou, if monogamy is not for everybody then those people it does not suit should NEVER GET MARRIED!
Instead of DESTROY other people who LOVE them by cheating!
There is no worse pain on earth.
Hope you yourself are never on the receiving end of cheating!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2017): My married lover and I have a very intense sexual connection and it has been fireworks for almost 4 years now. I am a single woman and I am completely addicted to him. And vice versa.If you look at it for what it is - an addiction - maybe you can get the help you need, if you are truly remorseful.But I don't think you are ready to give up your lover just yet.You felt HIGH when having the affair. And once it ended, like a drug addict who had to give up cocaine, you are now going through withdrawal. And need the hit again.You may feel bad for hurting your husband but not bad enough to stop what you are doing. Your urges to be with your lover are more important. At least right now.So, if this is the case, you do need to leave your husband, for his own good. It is incredibly cruel to have cheated on him in the first place but to start up again when he actually forgave you? You would finish off destroying him. Not many people would forgive a cheating spouse! And you are just spitting in his face by starting up with this guy again if he is on the same page. Likely, he is. If your husband loved you enough to want to start over and put this affair behind you, what you need to do is show him you are worthy of his trust and the second chance he gave you. How is meeting this guy behind your husband's back showing him you are worthy of his trust and forgiveness? You are just up to your old ways. Proof that cheaters reoffend and cannot help themselves.If you start up with this lover again, it will mean the end of your marriage. There won't be any more chances. Think about that. Your husband found out the first time. Trust me, he will find out again. Because he no longer trusts you now. And he is watching you. And he has reason to forever be suspicious if he remains married to you. It is difficult - even impossible for some people - to trust a cheater again even if they claim they are sorry or made a mistake. They struggle with trust every single day to the point where they cannot take it anymore and do end up leaving because no matter how hard they try, they come up short. They just cannot trust you. Ever think about the fact that even if your husband is distant or not as loving as you want him to be, it's because he has pulled away from you, is protecting himself, because deep down you have destroyed his heart? And he is AFRAID you will do it again.I suggest you make a choice. Do not string your poor husband along. He LOVES you. He must in order to forgive something this destructive. He has so much invested in you. You are his WIFE. You are supposed to love him and respect him til death do you part. These are the vows you CHOSE to take. Now, if you cannot honor those vows, step away and leave your husband alone. Love him enough to let him go. He deserves a woman who loves him and only him and does not fuck some guy behind his back because she can't get her shit together.If you are serious about hubby and putting this guy in the rear view, then I strongly suggest you start with a deep, honest talk about what is wrong in your marriage. And go to marriage counselling. Face reality. And let go of the fantasy. It does not solve anything. It just sends you crashing down harder and faster. You are trying to escape. You are self medicating. You are putting a band aid on your problems (your affair) without confronting the issues which drove you to have an affair in the first place.Time to be honest and real. But most people would rather have the fantasy take them away and swallow them whole than do the hard work.Unfortunately, you have to do the hard work if you love your husband and truly want this affair to be over.Not willing to work for your marriage? Then end it.Do not destroy your husband any more than he has been destroyed for your own selfishness and ego deficit.It's time to burn the fantasy. And time for the hard work to begin.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (1 March 2017):
 Since you are still stalking, calling, trying to set up a meeting, pining away for the other man and so on, you will soon be experiencing "or else". A nice guy only needs one thing from his emotional life partner and that one thing you can't give him is Fidelity.
Reconciliation is currently in the let's try it stage and you are already planning to meet the Affair partner on the sly. Reconciliation can only be successful if three conditions exist.
One the betrayed spouse can live with the revelations of the infidelity. Sometimes they think they can but it turns out that they can't.
Two the wayward spouse has to feel true regret for their actions and truly want to make it right again.
And Three the wayward spouse has to immediately and without holding back any detail confess the whole affair to the betrayed spouse.
There are a few other things that help. Complete abandonment of the affair partner. Total transparency in email phone and social media.
If you really want this to work you need to accept that you will have to do the heavy lifting to help your betrayed husband heal. It won't be easy and he may never be able to trust you fully. There is no guarantee for you here.
Are you willing to do that?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (1 March 2017):
 "ihelpyou: Monogamy is not for everyone.... Just make sure the guy on the side is one you can trust not to be the cause of you getting caught" - Monogamy isn't for everyone, but that's what open/poly relationships are for. Cheating is not okay. If you want a relationship with someone else, you leave, you don't cheat. The only time being with 2+ people is allowed is when you're in an open/poly relationship and the OP is not.
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A
male
reader, ihelpyou +, writes (1 March 2017):
Monogamy is not for everyone. I goes against nature. When you have a strong sexual connection with someone it is perfectly normal to need that from them even when it may cost you your marriage. Just make sure the guy on the side is one you can trust not to be the cause of you getting caught.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 March 2017):
If your husband expects a faithful partner, make a decision: are you willing and able to be faithful or not? If not, it's time to end things with your husband. Your selfishness is going to cause him an unbelievable amount of hurt if he catches you again (and he will).
Time to start being a better person one way or another.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (1 March 2017):
 If your situation was any good, you would not be here asking for advice. You know that.
Second, when you said that you can't get your lover out of your mind, you answered your own question as to what to do. It is obvious that your husband is not on your mind, so why are you with him? Go get a divorce, that is the answer.
The only reason why you are not cheating on your husband is because he caught you and you haven't gotten another opportunity to cheat on him. So have some mercy and let go of your husband then go do whatever you want. At least you will not be victimizing others.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 March 2017):
 Go for a divorce. You already left the marriage when you cheated. I don't see why you should try to fool yourself and keep stringing your husband along. You're not interested in being married to your husband, so why do you keep at it?
Why did you cheat in the first place? Because you love your husband so much and want a better marriage? I hardly think so, there were other reasons. Reasons so strong in your mind, they led you down this path. Instead of ignoring these reasons, you should explore why you did what you did, and why you still do what you do. Is what you want compatible with staying married?
Do you have children, is that why you stay? Are you financially dependent on him, is that why you stay?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 March 2017):
You need to leave your husband. Being obsessed with this guy isn't not okay. Please stop being selfish.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2017): Divorce your husband, you're clearly keen to put yourself about again and your relationship is not an open one.
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