A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Long story shortnened for sake of this posting.I am madly (still) in love with a man who has severe issues. (alcoholism, child custody drama) but who I feel such a special connection with I cant move on.We were friends for a while then started dating last year. WE didnt even sleep together till a month in. After about 6 weeks he divulged that he couldnt be in anything serious due to the problems he was having (which included not sure where he was going to be living soon) At that time I was broken and we stopped but within a month started seeing each other again knowing this was the case. He said he loved me I loved him etc. We were sexually monogamous. But he would never call me his GF even though everyone knew we were together (except his family)There were arguments. THere were alot of drunk debacles I had to deal with too that I didnt love. I got him into AA thru a friend and he was sober one month then went out. He'd never done that for anyone before. I know and He says I helped him and was his best friend. around Xmas things got worse. He wouldnt bring me to meet his family (presumably bc he didnt want trouble due to him not being able to see his kids and he didnt want anyone to think he was distracted. Then he slowly withdrew until finally came out and told me that He wanted to "do the right thing" that I deserved better and he couldnt give it to me. That I should "move ON"Even though it wasnt really what he wanted etc. but he was "sacrificing".I was/am devestated and broken and hate this. Im going to ALANON and trying to recover but I dont know how to move on. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. When I think about being with anyone else the rest of my life I want to die!Worst part is last week he got messed up and called and texted me asking me to come over! I told him to stop and not do this. He did. THe next day I asked why he would push me away then try and pull me in again espically knowing how hurt I am. he said "moment of weakness. Im sorry"But Why did he do it? Even when Im drunk I know waht Im doing. Is there a chance for us? AM I nuts?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 I get your pain OP. my husband is an active alcoholic. He is in the early stages of liver failure and he knows the drinking is causing it and yet he can’t stop. I love him even when it’s so horrible for me. I’m often isolated and alone in dealing with his alcohol related problems.
Your love has done you a GREAT favor. He is right you do deserve better. You are more than enough. An addict loves ONE thing… the thing they are addicted to. They don’t care if it kills them or others around them… it’s all about the next fix. And because alcohol is an acceptable drug, alcoholics are free to roam with us…. And functional alcoholics are even harder to cope with since they work, and function to some degree. They “pass” as normal but are not.
Now let me address your post in more detail:
Not sleeping together till a month into a relationship does not make you friends first… just pretty normal. Most folks are not jumping into bed on the first date…
He lied to you and waited till 6 weeks in (and you falling for him) before he told you that he did not want anything serious. So was this 6 weeks after you started dating (and 2 weeks after you started sex) or was this 6 weeks after sex? Either way, it was manipulative of him to NOT TELL YOU from DAY ONE, that he was not interested in anything serious. STRIKE ONE against him in my book. This was his first way of taking advantage of you as most women will care more deeply after sex.
He told you he did not want anything serious and he would not call you his girlfriend. He was to the best of his ability being honest with you. When I started with my hubby I offered him NSA/FWB and he said to me the best most perfect line ever “I’m a single guy, what single guy would be stupid enough to turn down free No strings attached sex?” This is your guy… he told you he was not interested in something long term or serious and yet you still wanted to give him free sex… why would he turn it down? The problem is for women more so than men, sex leads to attachment.
As with any alcoholic, there will be drunken arguments. And there is no reasoning with them when they are drunk. Even if they are wrong… they can’t see it. And often they do not remember even if you do.
YOU said “I got him into AA thru a friend” that was a big mistake on your part. THINKING YOU GETTING HIM INTO AA would help him. NO recovery program will help him till HE WANTS to BE in recovery. RECOVERY ONLY WORKS IF THE PERSON THEMSELVES WANTS IT. He can’t get clean and sober FOR YOU. He can and will ONLY get clean and sober for himself. AND then he has to work his program for A YEAR without any romantic entanglements… so EVEN if he was to walk into an AA meeting tonight and never take another year, if he was PROPERLY working his program he would not even consider a relationship with you for another year… that’s a long time. And not worth putting your life on hold. He’s not sober yet. He’s not ready to be sober yet…
He wouldn’t take you to meet his family because you are not that important to him. You say it’s because he didn’t want trouble. My hubby took me to meet his very anti-Semitic family who disliked me because I was a. divorced b. jewish c. had children and d. I’m 13 years older than my now husband. His family was NOT happy. But he told them. TOO BAD, she’s my partner and if you don’t like it you can leave. Seriously, men in love will NOT disrespect you. Men in love will tell everyone (family and best friends included) to “get over it, she’s my partner and you will respect her” or they will detach from those that disapprove. TRUST ME ON THIS, I’ve seen it happen more times than I care to admit.
His “wanting to do the right thing” and “you deserve better” is cover for him not wanting you.
He told you to move on and he means it. He’s just not that into you dear.
Moments of weakness will happen. It’s up to you to be strong as alcohol does break down your ability to cope. You need to block his email, his phone, his social media.
WHY did he do it? Because he was lonely and horny and you’re the default setting…. He went with the path of least resistance. The known entity… a woman who loves him and will take his abuse is easier than going out to a bar and picking up a stranger….
There is no chance for you till he is sober on his own by his choice FOR A YEAR. If you choose to be with this man with his issues, you are making your own bed and you have to lie in it. From someone currently sleeping in that bed… RUN.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): I'm the OP
Thanks you guys! All good words. He once told me I was too good for him. But it still feels like I'm not enough :(
We will see what happens in the future
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (3 February 2013):
 Hi
He has alot going on and your clearly a caring person.Thing is you want to help him and he isn't ready or doesn't want to be helped.Only he can sort his life out.
Much as you want to be with him, he is right,he did the right thing for you,to end the relationship.If he is an alcoholic then drink is his life,he will always be drunk or looking for his next drink or sleeping off the last binge.He will mix with people of the same mind too,probably not work,never have any money.Until he is ready,if ever, to stop drinking.
I would keep moving on and if he contacts you again delete the message for your own sake.As he said it was a moment of weakness him contacting you.You need the strength to get over him and find somebody else,which in time,you will.
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A
male
reader, RUOpenMinded +, writes (3 February 2013):
I've been in your shoes. It never gets better. What you're going through right now, today with him, is the best your relationship is going to be. It will only get worse. Leave with your sanity before it's too late. These people are black holes and unconsciously destroy everything around them.
Picture yourself on the Titanic. No matter what you do, the ship is going down. Get on a life boat and row your ass off. Time heals all wounds. Cut your losses, get out now!
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 February 2013):
 human nature is black and white. when we want to do somethiing - we do it. end of story. that being said, if this man wanted to be with you, he'd be with you. regardless of his situation. i know it's not what you want to hear, but it's an unfortunate reality.This guy is just using you. he may care about you a little and have some feelings for you, but in general, not enough to commit to you and be with you in the way you want. that's why he hasn't brought you home to meet his family. and his "moment of weakness" was just him being bored and you were a way of passing the time.i urge you to move on, for your own sanity. cut your loses now and meet someone who wants to call you his giflfriend and who wants his family to meet you.
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