A
female
age
41-50,
*otus mama808
writes:Hey family! My issue is concerning my son and his father (who I am no longer with because of abusive behavior). For the first 4 years of my son's life, I raised him by myself, emotionally and financially. His father did nothing to show effort in being a part of his life. Suddenly, his father wanted to see him, and I was hesitant because of his lack of participation. However, he laid the guilt card on me, told me I shouldnt keep my son from his father, and immediatly, I began letting my son stay with him every Monday and Tuesday. This has been going on for 2 years now. The issue is this: My sons teachers are telling me that he behaves differently on days when he is with his dad, in a negative way, and my son screams and cries every Monday when it is time to go to his dads (begs me to keep him, tells me he hates him, etc). I do everything I can from my end to make my son feel comfertable with it, including making sure he has everything he needs there (since his dad doesnt seem to want to pay for him). This has been going on for 2 years now, and his dad is now blameing me for how my son feels about going over there. I dont want to take him to court over this, but I truly want whats best for my son. What sould I do? Is my son obligated to see him because he is his dad, or does he have a say in this? What should I do??? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (26 June 2008):
lotus mama808 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hey Lazyguy, in some ways you are absolutly right. My assumption that he would be a decent father after my experience with him is crazy, however, my son and I would have never known this without giving him the chance. My son is very out spoken and has never said he has abused him phisically. The problem is neglect. Comes home dirty, wearing clothes that are too small, and eats like he has never eaten before. What angers me is that his father is a wealthy man! Can you believe that? I dont think his blaming me is just at all. All this time I was telling him how my son felt about being there, and he would point fingers at me, so last Monday, I let my son tell him over the phone. My son had no problem telling him, and his dad said "fine" and hung up the phone. I am married with a daughter and my husband loves my son, helps raise him in every way possible. It baffles him to see his father neglect him (because my son is very sweet, loving and happy). I just ask this question to see if I am alone on the belief that a child has a say in where he lives. I live on a small island, so avoiding this man is near impossible, and I have to hear about him through "coconut wireless" all the time, so really, I wanted to make sure my son was happy and comfertable while keeping the peace. I saw my mother go through hell just trying to collect child support for me and my brothers growing up, she was a very stressed out lady, and you know what? She STILL hasnt seen a penny! I dont want to waste my energy on this dead beat. I'd rather work extra hard to take care of my son financially, than fight a lost cause (which will cost a whole lotta cash too).
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 Abusive partners are often abusive parents as well. What on earth made you think it was smart to send a young child into the same situation you managed to escape from?
That he didn't even meet his legal financial obligations should already be enough of a signal that this guy is NOT going to a decent father.
In fact he still doesn't want to pay for the kid does he.
This guy is not a father. Get legal advice how to keep him out of you and your sons life.
But boys need a male rolemodel. Not like this they don't. Any male will do but it must be a male that is going to give the right behavior to emulate in later life.
Let this go on and your son will grow up to be exactly like his dad.
You seem to be hard of learning, you still claim that a man who abused you, refuses to pay for his own kid is a friend?
Can you really not see how much of an asshole this guy is? Do you REALLY want your son to see this as the way men are supposed to be? Grow a backbone because your ex is still controlling you and making you and your sons life a hell.
Read up on battered wife syndrome because you got it.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 I think you're doing the right thing in many senses, but I still think that, if your son doesn't want to go to his father's, he shouldn't have to. You know, parents always tend to forget that their children are independent beings. We tend to suppose that they have to adjust to whatever we tell them to do. That is not right. No adult would put up with that. Chidren do it because they can't do otherwise.
If the choice of career of your exhusband is affecting your son, then your ex should be the first to recognize it. If he doesn't, why wouldn it be bad if you allowed the child to complain?
The problem here might be that your ex would think YOU are preventing the child from going. Just make sure he understands it is the child who doesn't want to go to his home.
Why should your son be forced to be anywhere every Tuesday?
By the way, I commend you on choosing to settle matters outside of court. I will be the first to recognize that sometimes you have to resort to the authorities, but whenever the Police or the judges are involved, something has to give, and it usually damages the child. Judges may have good intentions, but a good agreement is better than a little fighting.
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (26 June 2008):
lotus mama808 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSee, the thing is, his dad and I are friends. We don't bad mouth eachother, especially around the boy. I have made so much effort to making my son comfertable, and he still isn't, which makes me believe that it is out of my power. I do, however, know how his house is run, and his choice of career puts my son at risk. I have brought this up in the kindest ways possible, but it's hard to get through to him. I don't go through court because I find it hard that 2 adults can't come to some kind of agreement. I think it is completly wrong for any parent to keep the other parent from his/her child, however, at what point do I draw the line? I appreciate your time guys. Thats why I come to you!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (26 June 2008):
People, hate me: I don't think a son is forced to see his father, or his mother. I do think parents should work for the benefit of children. Something is clearly the matter when your son visits his father. Dig into that. Find out what is going on and how it is damaging. Then, act on the basis of realities.
By the way, if your son truly doesn't want to be with his father, why send him anyways? Could daddy perhaps reflect about how he is behaving if his child said he doesn't want to see daddy?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): Well for one, ignore your ex. He is just manipulative.
If you want whats best for your son, talk to your ex over the phone. State whats been going on. If he continues to blame you, its because he doesn't want to be blamed for anything, or appear wrong. Or anything like that.
As I said, ignore you ex, do what your son wants, whether he's old enough to make decisions or not.
You'll destroy his future and scar him.
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