A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am in a bondle. I have been with this person about 3 years now on and off and we have a son together. Its our first kid for the both of us and when we first started dating everything was great and we spent lots of time together. I found out I was pregnent I was happy but scared at the same time and he just had this look like he was devastated. But he kept by my side the whole pregnancy, not saying we didn't have our rough patches. We had gotten our own place together right after we found out about the baby and lived there had the baby and he stuck around until he turned 2 months old and packed all his things an left. Ever since that day things between us have never been the same. We have been off and on since and he has been with other people but so have I. Neither one of us are perfect but he is not the same he used to be so loving and caring so funny and outgoing. Now he is so selfish/uncaring always lying to me (but he has always had a problem with lying). I love him so much and just want the old him back and jus want to be a family and for everything to be okay but he is totally a different person idk what to do. I do everything for him and its kind of rediculous how much I try to do and it just seems like he could care less idk what to do please just help I'm tired of trying so hard for nothing. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 February 2013):
 All the "good stuff" in your submittal is in the first two paragraphs. All the remainder of your submittal, is your wishing/dreaming that HE would "become" the friend/boyfriend/hubby that you WISH he would be. He isn't going to do so..... so you must re-focus your attention to your child.... and reconcile that HE is, pretty much, a rat, and you don't need him in your's and your child's life....
Good luck....
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2013): Unfortunately there's nothing you can do. Getting pregnant with a child you didn't plan and baby daddy who didn't want a child doesn't automatically make a family. If you want to have a family, then find a compatible guy who you know wants to spend his life with you (a sentiment traditionally best expressed through marriage) and wants to have children with you BEFORE you get pregnant. All you can do for now is be the best single mother you can possibly be while making sure you have court-approved orders of child support and visitation in place.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 February 2013):
 You are focusing on having a dream. He wont become your dream man just because you want him to, or just because you try so hard. You are probably right, he couldn't care less. So you doing so much is pointless, and only works to take away your energy.
He isn't that nice, loving man you wish he was. He probably never was that man you know. When people meet, they always stay at their best in the beginning, but his negative sides were always there. You yourself said he used to lie back then too. It's not new, it's something he's always done. And through the changes in your lives, his other sides have sprung out in full blossom. But they were always there, as a part of him. He hasn't changed, it's just that now you see him as he truly is. Back then you were in love, and love makes blind. When in love and infatuated you ignore the warning signs (such as the lying). But now your eyes are opened, and you see the truth about who he is. He hasn't changed, but your perspective of him has.
People can go through challenges and react to them in a positive manner, or a negative manner. It is not like having a child at such a young age "made" him into who he is today. He could have handled things differently, he could have reacted differently. But he is who he is, and he reacted the way he reacted, and these are the facts. He's lying, he's not a good boyfriend to you, and he doesn't bring you happiness. You are not happy. And he can not make you happy. So you should stop trying to make him into something he's not, and stop hoping that he'll somehow magically change. Instead, focus on the things you CAN change, which is yourself and your situation. If you are unhappy about how things are, do something about it.
I also want to say... challenges in life are what tests a relationship. Everyone can have a great relationship when everything goes great in life. But when things are difficult, when problems arise... that is when you truly see if you have a solid relationship or if it's all fluff and fairy tales. You and him had a lot of fluff and fairy tales, because things were great when nothing difficult existed. But when problems came, you were presented with the reality of your relationship, and the reality of who he is. The way he is now, the way he has reacted to things now, is how he will react in the future as well. The way he acts when faced with problems is the way he will act when faced with new problems in the future as well. What you need to look for in a man, and in a relationship, is someone who can handle problems and difficulties in a good manner, someone who comes out of problems even stronger and more positive, more loving, and more dedicated. A good relationship is one that faces problems and comes out stronger.
If you want a man to build a family with... Search for someone you can have a solid relationship with, someone who handles problems and difficulties in a positive manner, and a relationship where difficult times brings you together, not tears you apart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2013): People are not their true selves at the early stages of a relationship. And most relationships do not work out. You just have to accept that he is not the one for you and he doesn't even want to be. It is unfortunate that he is the guy with whom you have a kid, rather than someone who actually wants to be with you and wants to be a family. But sooner or later you have to accept reality which is that no matter how much you want the three of you to be a family it is not going to happen because he doesn't want it. Having a child doesn't make two people compatible as partners. Instead of being stuck on something you cannot have why not look forward to the future and focus on creating a happy household for your kid and yourself just the two of you and possibly some day there will be a new man in your life who will want to be a family with you and your kid. This bright happy future can't happen if you stay stuck on the path you're on now focusing on the wrong guy who will never be what you want.
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