A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am having doubts about my future with my partner. I have real trouble adjusting from the honeymoon phase of a relationship so none of my relationships have lasted more than a year but I really want this one to work. However, I am beginning to think I have commitment problems because as soon as I hit the first problem in the relationship I get the urge to bail out. I feel my Mum is right in saying that I cannot keep running away from relationships and the problems that can occur.Anyway, lately I have been having doubts about my partners feelings for me. He seems bored with me but it may be that he has just become settled. He seems to have no enthusiasm for anything, including sex, and I never get the opportunity to spend time alone with him to discuss the problem. I feel like he knows there is a problem between us but he doesn’t know how to deal with it. We had some problems on holiday (mainly that I sometimes felt that he was inconsiderate of my feelings but I never got the chance to air these feelings because he would find any excuse to hardly spend any time together with me which was another problem). We got on really well at the beginning of the holiday and although we didn’t have sex because of some sexual problems we have been having we did pretty much everything else. Then things took a downward slide when I started resenting him for not noticing that I was poorly. Anyway, I have tried to put it behind me but I just feel the resentment is building. He has also started to let me down at the last minute after arranging to meet up or he takes along time to get back to me when I ask him if he wants to go out.I am happy to go to all the family and friend events that he asks me to because I enjoy it, but when I ask him to go to something with me or with my family and friends I seem to get met with all kinds of excuses most of the time and I don’t know how much more rejection I can take. He particularly seems to reject invitations if it is just us by ourselves. It is really weird because he wasn’t like this at all in the beginning. I have asked him to come shopping with me (because he actually quite likes shopping) and I got ‘I have to help my brother’, I invited him to a hobby of mine and he claimed he got the text too late, another hobby of mine and he said his team game that he plays over ran. I invited him to a meal last month and he phoned me up an hour after he was due to say he didn’t think he could make it because he thought I had written another time down to the one I said. Last weekend he didn’t stay over when I invited him because he said ‘he had a few too many to drink’. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and last night I thought I would give him another chance and invited him out to another family meal. Well he didn’t answer me last night and my sister was getting impatient to book somewhere so I text him again today and he text me back saying he was ill. I just don’t know whether to believe him anymore. My mum, who I believe is right in saying I have to stop running away and deal with this rather than just drop him like I have done with previous partners, says it is almost like he is waiting for a better offer. Or I wonder if he is trying to control me? Lately I have noticed that when he does occasionally accept an offer to stay over he will be asleep before I have even finished cleaning my teeth so we never get a chance to talk. I don’t know if he is avoiding intimacy, avoiding sex with me because of the sexual problems, is depressed (he has been working extremely hard lately)! I have even started to think he is having an affair. We have a long distance relationship so it would be possible, but I have no proof. Sometimes I think he would definitely think he would be the type to have affairs and then I think he wouldn’t do something like that. What do you think the problem/issues are here? I want to try to salvage the relationship if possible but I just don't know how to go about it. His mum said when we first started going out that he has extreme problems organising himself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): Frankly, I don't feel you have commitment issues, hun but I do feel you seem to choose the wrong partners for yourself. You are telling us you have a man in your life, who has started to let you down at the last minute after arranging to meet up, and that he takes a long time to get back to you when you ask him if he wants to go out, he rejects invites to go out with your family and friends, he's too tired for iintimacy and the list of 'red flags' goes on and on. Something is wrong here, and it isn't a committment phobia. From what you have said, you appear to 'want' this relationship to fly but there are some glaring, very disturbing things happening that is causing you to doubt this fellow is the one you see a future with. I think your instincts are kicking in and you need to face that.
With this man, you are now narrowing your primary focus to the not-so-pleasurable elements of who he is is and you are facing what is staring you right in the face. That's not a commitment problem. You are realizing you don't want to own all the things you see wrong with this man.
You need to stop denying his role in this and stop blaming yourself. It seems you are doing everything you can to make this relationship strong. But you hit walls with him. The truth is, no matter how long a couple date, when a man wants something, he really wants something. He wants to make a woman his own and he does all he can to nuture and give to her. He doesn't appear to want to make you his own. And I feel, you know this. What he should be doing is calling this off and giving you back your life. I think it is time for you to bail and live on your own for awhile and think about what type of love you want in your life. Become stronger, smarter and empowered about whom you choose to share your life. I wish you the best, hun...good luck.
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