A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I need some advice on what to do to get over my mistrust of my bf - not sure if it's just me who needs to change, or if we need to consider relationship counselling or something, and need some perspectives before I approach my bf about this pls.So, we've been together 19 months, and are now thinking of moving in together (currently live apart). Everything is going great, and I'm almost certain about moving in with him except that I have a few trust issues that are holding me back.4 months into our relationship, when I thought everything was great, I discovered he was sexting an ex-colleague by answering his phone at his request late at night....I was prepared to leave him there and then, but he cried, talked me round, said it was how she had always talked to him and his male work buddies, that nothing ever had/would happen, deleted her number, blah blah. So, things slowly got back on track, then 7 months in, he goes out with his friends, tells me to come and see him at his place early the next morning as he's been missing me and leaves me his key to let myself in, I walk in and he's in bed in his underwear with his two female friends in his bed with him (clothed) plus two guys in sleeping bags on the floor. I was shocked, he said nothing happened, but he had a bite mark on his neck which he couldn't explain :( Everyone else in the room told me nothing had happened, that they'd all just come home drunk and crashed out.... And then, another month later, I find he is still in contact with an ex-gf, who is wanting to get back together with him, and he is sending her flirty messages via Facebook (I found this out through a mutual friend). To his credit, he told me his ex was interested in him, said he'd told her he had a gf and planned to have no more contact with her, which was kinda fair enough. Then, 1 month later, we had an unplanned pregnancy despite using contraception which sadly ended in miscarriage. I asked him to let me know who he had told, he said he would only tell his family, but then his work colleagues mentioned it to me and it turned out it was the latest gossip in his workplace, which really upset me :(Since then, things have been ok as far as I know. I know he's a good looking guy, very kind, talkative, attractive to lots of women, and I know he doesn't see any harm in what he thinks is meaningless flirty banter at work.But, the things that happened did shake my trust in him, and tbh, I still don't totally trust him, and feel like I am just waiting for something else bad to happen :(Nothing else has happened, and everything else in our relationship is great. We've tried to put it all behind us, but when he pushes me about moving in together and asks me if I love and trust him, I have to respond honestly and tell him I still am unsure about having 100% trust in him (maybe it's a mistake on my part to be honest about this with him??) which really upsets him. He says he wants me to trust him as he loves me, wants a future with me, doesn't want to lose me, will never hurt me again, blah blah. And sometimes he gets annoyed, saying I need to stop thinking about past mistakes and concentrate on all that's good in our relationship now.So, do you think I need help to get over this? Or do you think we both need help? I feel he doesn't appreciate how much he hurt me and unsettled me, and how this has impacted on our relationship, but that he doesn't want to hear any of this.I want to build a future with this guy, but am struggling to believe in him, and don't want to be unfair on him if the issue lies with me only.BTW I have never betrayed his trust, and have never cheated on anyone. He has never cheated physically on his previous gfs, nor on me (as far as I know).Thanks for reading.x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): I remember your post about this last year or maybe longer? I think the general consensus was that you let him get away with too much and if I'm right he's lied to you a hell of a lot too and as far as I remember from your last post he never ever took responsibility for doing anything wrong, I remember you said that he didn't think there was anything wrong with sending sexy text messages to other girls and remember telling you of course he knew it was wrong because he's not an idiot and everyone knows that's not on. I think you posted here right after you found out that he told others about your miscarriage when you specifically told him not to.
OP I still think you have let him get away with too much and something tells me you still are.
"Nothing else has happened" that you know of OP and that's the problem isn't it?
How can you trust him when he's still that good looking guy who likes to flirt a lot with women and just loves the female attention he gets. That hasn't changed OP and after all he did that's a reason not to feel 100% comfortable.
OP he still hasn't taken any responsibility for his actions has he? He sent flirty messages to an ex he knows is interested, therefore leading her on and fooling around with her behind your back and you give him credit for telling you she's interested, what about the flirty messages he sent then OP, does him telling you that make it okay?
"saying I need to stop thinking about past mistakes and concentrate on all that's good in our relationship now." How can you when those past mistakes are not fully resolved? He never admitted responsibility for the sexting, he made up what was, and you know this, a wholly bullshit excuse to cover his own ass and you let him get away with that. Now if you made sure to tell him that was wrong then there is no way in hell he could have thought getting drunk then stripping off and hopping into bed other women would be okay either, again he denied responsibility using the "he didn't know excuse" and again you let him get away with it even though he had a fecking love bite on his neck and proper proof that he had been fooling around with another girl because I can tell you, no straight guy would ever give another straight guy a love bite.
Then you catch him flirting with an ex who wants him back and he knows she does and I don't know why the fuck you gave him credit OP it was amutual friend who caught him, he didn't own up to anything at all,in fact he did his usual shite of "I didn't know it was wrong, she's the one interested in me and I'm trying to ease her down gently". Horseshit and again he pawns off the blame onto her. The final straw then before you came here the first time was when he completely broke your trust by telling people about the miscarriage, something you very specifically told him not to. Something which caused you great pain and you didn't want people knowing and again he didn't take responsibility for that either, his excuse? Yup, it's the ye olde "I didn't know" again isn't it?
OP how can you focus on the now when the past is still so messed up, he's proven himself to be untrustworthy, he's proven time and again he will betray your trust and deflect the blame when he's caught. You seriously have let him get away with too much which is why you feel so insecure in this relationship. How can you feel secure and happy when he did all those things and you let him get away with them, you have no control over this at all and he still flirts with other girls and will have plenty more opportunity to what he did before in the future.
Look perhaps he has changed but maybe he's just done too much to betray you that you may never again be able to completely trust him.
Try counselling OP, because he still won't even try and resolve the past he gets annoyed and wants you to drop it instead so how is any of it going to get resolved? What he did still matters, it is still having a negative impact on this relationship and while he tries to make you forget about it your brain isn't going to stupidly let him get away with that kind of crap regardless of whether you want it to or not. The only way this will work is if you tackle the past, make sense of it and make him own up to what he did. Because you and I both know, you really do know this deep down that he lied to cover his own ass back then and you accepted those lies but your subconscious, your gut knows he was and still very well may be full of shit.
If he wants any hope of you moving in then it's time you dealt with the past, it's time he told you in all honesty what happened and why it happened and if he can't then it will never get any better.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): It will be difficult to trust him because he sounds very untrustworthy! Keep being honest with him, even if he doesnt like it he needs to hear the truth. If you cant move in with him because you dont trust him, say so. Dont lie to save his feelings, settle for less than you deserve and end up losing respect for yourself.
If he is being genuine now and really wants things to work, suggest couples counseling. If he declines, that will show you his true colours.
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