A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiJust hoping to get some outside perspective on my problem so I can make a decision on what I'm going to do. Any advice is appreciated :)Me and this guy have known eachother for almost 6 years. Met when I was 20 I'm now 26. Basically, because I was studying for a course which meant I got to travel around Europe as a part of it, we never had the chance to start something between us, so in the months running up to when I left we would just hang out and have sex every now and then. I thought I could keep it as a casual fling, but the more time we spent together and talked to eachother, the more I began to develop feelings for him. A lot of stuff has happened between us these past 6 years. He's had partners and I've had partners, but they would never work out. We would still have sex when we saw eachother (obviously when we were both single) We've constantly kept in touch, even when times have been hard because I let my feelings for him get in the way of our friendship. I've always kept my feelings for him under control because, even though disatance isn't really much of an issue anymore, I just didn't feel brave enough to be completely honest about how I feel and I've been scared if I just told him that I loved him, I would hear the answer I've been dreading for so long. That he doesnt feel the same. I feel I should add that because of this, I often try and distance myself from him as much as I can. It's usually him that's the more forward one in terms of starting conversation and that.Recently he came to stay with me for a weekend, and it was so perfect. We just did really mundane things like shopping and he was cuddling with me on the sofa and kissing me on the forehead. And we had sex, it was just like we were a couple. He also, as a Christmas, presant said he's going to buy me tickets to go see a band that I like. At first he said he'd go with me, but then after I dropped him at the train station, he sent me a text saying thanks for the lovely weekend and that he'd get me two tickets and that I shouldn't feel obligated to take him. I text him back saying that I would want to go with him and didn't reply. Now I'm left confused.. Again :( I don't really know how he feels about me. He has spoken briefly about the future, as in where I think I'll end up settling down. He wants to move to where I'm from originally which I found quite surprising. He also wants to go travelling, possibly for a long time next year, which I'm fully supportive of. It just brings up the distance issue again. Another thing which is stopping me from being honest with him about my feelings is that recently I've noticed he's been talking to this girl a lot who he met a few months back. She's very pretty, seems very jokey/flirty when they speak. I think he may have been speaking to her briefly when he was with me on the weekend, and I'm not sure if something is going on between them. He is technically single, and he can see who he wants, as can I. But this is really starting to hurt me, badly. But then, I can't tell if I'm overthinking.. A trait of mine which I really despise at times! I'm at a point now though where it's really affecting my life in general. I'm a pretty optimistic happy person. I love joking and laughing. I'm not codependent on anyone, which is why the intensity of my feelings have kind of come as a surprise, especially since it's been 6 years and I can't seem to get past it. I'm not one to openly talk about my feelings, but I love him so much, i love everything about him, even the bad stuff. I know that if one day he were to end up with someone, it would completely my heart, but I would try and be happy for his happiness, even if it meant losing him.I suppose I'm trying to get an outside view on what may be going through his mind (I know you can never know for sure) and advice on how I should tell him how I feel? I know it's time to do it now, it's been far too long, and it's making me miserable! Thank you so much to anyone who can help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2014): I think that if in six years he hasn't brought up a relationship with you, I'm afraid it's a topic that may never come up. I know guys who stay in touch with "friends with benefits" for years and years. It's not the most prestigious category to be in. I'm not sure why exactly but when two people hook up for a reason other than love, intense attraction and chemistry, but instead they hook up out of boredom or loneliness, that's all it ever remains. I do think that if you had never slept with him and had just been his friend his feelings and curiosity about you would be very different. But he has already seen the goods. He knows he can have sex with you whenever he wants without obligation. There is no challenge for him. That's why he doesn't try at all. He is happy with the arrangement. If I were you, I would stop sleeping with him, start working out and get in really good shape, get a fab new wardrobe, get my career really rocking, and give other men a chance and focus on that and little else. Don't make time for this guy anymore. Let him chase other girls. If you move on and do really well for yourself and are happy, beautiful and successful, he will see you one day, see that you are no longer at his beck and call, that you are now unattainable, and THAT will pique his interest.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2014): I know this is easier to say then to do but just tell him, if you feel like you can't have other relationships because you feel like he may have theses feelings for you then the easiest way to find out is ask. If he is taken back and doesn't know how he feels at least you've got him thinking and he should give u an answer. If he says he doesn't feel the same then you at least know and you don't have to deal with theses mix signals and you should be able to deal with your own feelings.I hope everything works out x
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A
female
reader, Delphi  +, writes (7 December 2014):
For most of us women,it is very difficult to separate emotions when we have a sexual relationship.That's why I beg all of my friends not to have casual relationships.Most of the time it ends up in the women having more feelings than the man.The men they get involved with go about it so casually that I have often wished out loud that I would be lucky to be a man.:D:D Saying No is an art.Its very difficult to say No in the beginning.But once you start saying No,it gets to be a habit.Its easier to say No when you love yourself. The question I would like to ask yourself is,"Am I happy in this situation".If the answer is No,I have always walked out or changed my feelings.A mind is one of the strongest things you have.Its easier to reprogram it than change anyone else in the world. But before calling it quits,lay your heart out.Have a night out with the girls before you express yourself to him.Be completely cool.Express yourself.Be strong enough to accept what ever he says. If you have feelings for him and he doesn't want to be exclusive,its going to hurt you.In every situation,in every incident you need to think and decide what makes you happy.If you are happy,you can make the other person happy.It doesn't work otherwise. Tell him,get your peace and move on.
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