A
female
age
30-35,
*iamondshards
writes:Hello everyone! I'm here for advice about a guy I went on a date with last Saturday. I've seen him at my Uni a few times, we talked a little, then last week I asked him whether our teacher wanted him to go to a meeting I was obliged to go to and, unexpectedly, we clicked when we talked, joked, and he asked me out, under the joke I was to 'psychoanalyze' him. {don't ask how we got there, I wouldn't know.} The date went well, we talked for four or so ours, he was very open body language wise, brushed my hand a few times, touched my knees while talking -non sexually-, picked a fallen leave off my shirt. We both laughed a lot, had surprisingly a lot in common, we also sat nervously in his car for about an hour, the physical tension was there but we didn't kiss. {Other than on the cheek, twice, as he wished.} He told me we'd hear from each other/get in touch when he came back in town, this Sunday. {He was going on a one week trip with a male friend of his, he met me the only day he was in town before leaving for this.}Unexpectedly, yesterday he WAS at that meeting which he thought he'd have been able to skip thanks to his trip- too bad our teacher did not agree and made him come back especially to attend this. Of course, he was tired from the seven hour journey he just had, pissed off at the teacher -you could tell he really didn't want to be there, arms crossed over his chest, fidgeting and all. We did talk in spite of this- we both waited to be the last ones in the room to talk to each other, then went upstairs together, and talked some more. The more time he spent with me, the more his body language opened - his arms weren't crossed anymore and he even laughed a little, again brushed my arm against his etc. He also asked me what I ended up doing on Saturday night {we saw each other in the afternoon at my request}, what was I going to do later that evening, and when I mentioned that I was cutely making a male friend of mine wait for me to talk to him {my crush}, he seemed bothered and/or unhappy about it, letting out a disappointed 'Ah' and biting his bottom lip- which he did another time I innocently mentioned other guys. When we parted, he told me to let him know whether I was going to update his psychological profile -again, that ongoing joke that I'm his shrink-, I replied that I had figured him out already {here I meant that I needed more 'material' to work with, hence to see him again}, but he said that no, I had not, because he is complex and there were other aspects to analyze. {Clearly, he wantsedme to keep 'analyzing' him.} He also did say again that he's going to be back on Sunday afternoon {he went back to his holiday destination today}, out of the blue, and I said I'd have given him a few hours to rest a little -before he called me, I meant-, but he replied that, either way on Sunday night he was going to be as tired as he was yesterday and trailed off, after which I reiterated I was going to let him rest for a few hours. At first, I interpreted that sentence of his as 'I'm going to be tired, period', but, as my friend objected, he compared how tired he was going to be on Sunday night to how tired he was yesterday, which was not tired enough to keep him from going out and doing things and not tired enough not to keep him from seeing me. She said it definitely sounded like an invitation, that he didn't need to rest because, even if he was going to be tired, he'd have still have enough energy to be out and about and that I should have taken the chance there. I'm not sure about it- what do you all think I should do, call him? Wait for him to do so? He doesn't seem to be keen on communicating via technology a whole lot, doesn't seem to love his phone, nor texting nor calling {he only called to warn me he was stuck in the traffic and was going to be 10 mins late}, unless it is to arrange something. I've read a lot about who should call to arrange a second date- some sources say guys are scared off by women who are too forward and would rather chase her, otherwise they lose interest- some others say that if a guy asks you call to call him {the 'let me know if you update my profile' meant something along these lines imo}, he means just that and why shouldn't you? It's not the Middle Ages anymore. Part of me would like the reassurance he does like me -and being asked out for a second date provides that-, but the other part does not want to just let him have all the power, by feeling as though I CANNOT absolutely call him, otherwise everything will go out of the window. I like being a strong woman too, I like arranging things, I love being in control -moderately so, with his consent of course- and I loathe the idea of having to just wait and do nothing. I wish I could take matters into my own hands too, but I don't want to scare him off either, and I also want the reassurance he does like me. Do you think he could be interested in me? What do you suggest I do? Thank you.
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female
reader, diamondshards +, writes (16 June 2012):
diamondshards is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI like your 'no bs' approach to this- and I definitely see why you wouldn't have time for petty games either way.
I'd say that if a man gets scared off so easily, he wouldn't have been the one for me anyway, as I'm not a damsel in distress sort of woman. I don't think any woman would dislike being courted, of course, but there's a difference between this and knowing you HAVE TO be pursued because you can't take any initiative yourself, otherwise he'll lose interest, you know? If a call is all it takes for him to become uninterested, he was probably only in it for the chase to begin with, which does not bode well with a long term relationship.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 June 2012):
 Call. As a single mom I don't have time to wait around and do the dating ritual. Spend years dating then find out he's not good with kids. Hiring a babysitter takes weeks in advance. I am not going to schedule around a man. I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months. He lives an hour away and he has an old dad to take care of. The second time he saw he he stayed at my place. I asked him to just take a leap of faith, meet my son and just do it. He did. I was glad I broke the rules. Neither one of us felt we are losing power and we feel we are equal. If a man gets scared off let him be. I agree, take control and keep the juvenile ones away.
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A
female
reader, diamondshards +, writes (14 June 2012):
diamondshards is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello and thank you for the answer. I agree that I should not put too much thought into him- that's what I'm trying to do, at least- and that I should continue to do the things I always do and have fun on my own too, without waiting for him. As a matter of fact, I just came back from a day shopping with my girls, tomorrow I will go and see another friend, as well as keeping myself busy on Monday, taking French classes and visiting another girlfriend. =] I definitely do have other options, even if not necessarily of the kind he represents.I don't necessarily have issues with his not keeping in touch- I mean, if he did call me I wouldn't be unhappy about it, but it's nothing even remotely similar to a dealbreaker to me. It should also be kept in consideration that we only saw each other a couple of times and communication may/will increase if things keep going on between us. As of right now, I'm fairly fine with it- what concerns me is who should call who to set/arrange a second date. Of course, you say that if he doesn't call/takes too long to do so I have the chance of moving on, which is of course true- but what I was wondering is if it would be okay for me to call him too. This whole 'usually the man calls first because he's the hunter and you're the prey' dating philosophy sounds old and sort of draining to me- what if he's waiting for me to take the initiative this time, since he asked me out the previous one? If men and women are equal, shouldn't we have the same responsibilities and duties? He has insecurities too, as clearly shown when I mention other male friends. I feel hypocritical with all my talk about how women are strong and all, and then here I am, scared to make a move which is not even the first one, because I've been taught to buy into the stereotype that a woman should be pursued. It's all a game to me, we're mature adults and, really, whoever makes the call makes the call, the other person is not obliged to go on a date once asked out anyway. I'm 22, he's 27, I think it's about time we outgrow the juvenile behaviour. On the other hand, I'm still worried about 'going against the rules'...
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (14 June 2012):
Waiting doesn't mean he has all the power. You decide if his interest is strong enough to suit your needs. If you are waiting too long then you have the power to say to him he's not reliable therefore you moved on. If he calls you again that's reassurance that he likes you and that he's not tired anymore. If he doesn't, making the call first would not make him like you more. You continue to have fun in your life. You retain your power by not putting too much thought about him, and that you have other options too. He's only there to add to your happiness in life. He's not something that you must have in order to be happy. If you like a man who's more communicative, and makes sure you don't worry about his whereabouts, then find that man. Don't silently protest that he is not as keen about keeping in touch.
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