A
male
age
30-35,
*ommiserative
writes:i met my girlfriend 2 years ago. we've been together for 9 months now. i really love her. she had sex for the first time 6 months before we got together. she had sex a second time maybe 2 weeks to a month before we got together. the first time was with some one i'd already known for years, but i was never close to or fond of. she went to his house because they were supposed to go to dinner with his dad. they were in his room he asked her if she wanted to do anything and she said no because they had to go out to dinner. he kept asking and begging for a long time, between 30 minutes to an hour and he still wouldn't stop. she told me she wanted to go home but her mom was at work and she didn't want to be rude to his dad by asking to go home. she kept saying no but he wouldn't stop asking so she gave in. she told me all the details of what they did. i don't like knowing it all because it paints a picture in my mind that i don't want to see.the second time she was with some guy i'd never met but couldn't have cared less to. she said that she was having a hard time in school and he was one of two guys that were nice to her. so she liked him for it, and they got together and she would go over to his house and he would ask for head and she would say no so he'd ask for sex and she would say no. she said when she said no to sex he would get pissy and be short and rude. she said she thought about it and decided basically "i did it once, what's it matter now?" they had sex twice the second time there was a pregnancy scare. she has told me that she didn't want to either time but was scared and felt like she was under a lot of pressure. i try to be understanding, and i'm honestly happy with her as a whole. i can't stop thinking about her past though, it echoes in my mind. at best, i can go 5 minutes free then a voice in the back of my head whispers the first guy's name and it reminds me then of the second. to make it worse, i go to school with these two. i see them in the hallway, AS i'm walking my girlfriend to class. so daily i'm reminded that she wasn't always mine, and it's depressed me greatly. i've gotten so dismal and confused i've tried breaking up with her. i never did though. this is hard for me, i care about her a lot. i love her. i just don't want this stuck in my mind all the time and i don't know exactly what to think to make it go away.
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male
reader, Commiserative +, writes (21 April 2010):
Commiserative is verified as being by the original poster of the questionall that's true except for it being my own lack of confidence. that's not it at all. in the beginning of the relationship everything was fine. when school started she tried being friends with them, so there "wasn't any shit" with anyone. trying to befriend them wasn't really good for her, and it took her a while to realize that how they treated her will always be there and they weren't worth forgiving. one of them tried asking her to leave me and get with them, but she said no. the point is they were brought back so to speak. also, when i told my mom i let her know these things and all she's wanted to do since is throw it in my face. i feel it's more in me being reminded so often then just getting used to having the thought present almost at all times. regardless... i love this girl. i'm not giving up like that.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (16 April 2010):
 You say you are 'doing everything you can'. What exactly are you doing?
The reality is there's nothing you can do. Your only option is to accept her, accept what happened, then stop thinking about it. In other words... do nothing! That includes stopping dwelling on her past, and moving on.
The way out of this is to do less, not more
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (16 April 2010):
Wow, it sounds like the damage is done and I wonder if there is any going back, it doesn't sound like it - if I'm really honest.
Why did you get those graphic details from her? no wonder you are going through hell now. See this as a lesson learnt - don't get the details of partners sexual pasts if you think you are going to find it difficult to cope with them.
You don't want to hear this, but your best bet is to end things.
You say you love her, but your feelings towards her past must affect how you see her, and how you are with her. Therefore it is intruding on her happiness and quality of a relationship too, and she doesn't deserve that, does she?
She deserves to be with someone who accepts her for who she is now and you deserve to be with someone who you aren't spending your life almost having a nervous breakdown over.
I know it can be the most PAINFUL feeling ever dealing with uncomfortable sexual history, but I'll let you in to something from someone who is now a good bit older, wiser and more experienced than you. MOST of what you're experiencing is from your own lack of inner confidence in yourself, and your lack of experience. You will come to see, it is extremely common for young inexperienced girls to have sexual experiences that they regret and seem seedy and dirty in nature, and in the same way there are many guys who are out there who have casual sex with these same girls.
You now know, that you need to be comfortable with a partners (basic) sexual history before you become too emotionally involved. It's a quality that is a must in someone, and that is a good thing you know this for the future.
I really believe when you are a bit older and wiser with relationships and sex, you will see this all clearer and will be able to love and accept someone.
I hope your suffering doesn't last too much longer, be brave and try and do what feels right and you will make it through in whatever way you decide.
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A
male
reader, Commiserative +, writes (16 April 2010):
Commiserative is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni've been doing everything i can and i don't feel like i've moved an inch. i feel really hopeless. i don't know if i can make it go away at all, since i've had no luck after trying so hard for so long. i realize it's indefensibly my problem... but i can't tell if that makes it harder or easier.
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A
female
reader, deedee99  +, writes (21 March 2010):
Unfortunately I have been on the other end of your story, and should warn you to handle your own emotions with care.
I didn't do anything too wild in my past, and regretted a lot of the petty accounts i had with intimacy, but shared everything truthfully with my bf since he wanted to know. Some people take well to honesty and love you for it. Others it seems let it eat away at them to no end.
He made me miserable for it. Like i was guilty and shouldn't have done things that i didn't want to. I fell head over heels for this guy, and everyday, even after a perfect loving day, he would bring it up at the end. I was questioned none stop, asked about it more and more, until i got so uncomfortable with the subject. He tried to break up with me several times and like an idiot i didn't want to loose him and just stayed anyway.
Point is. If something like this is bothering you, you should talk to her in a respectful manner. I'm sure she could understand that seeing these two is uncomfortable for you. But girls you meet in your life will most probably have a past, and you might not always like it. Just please don't make her feel worse for her own past, especially hers. If you really love her, then appreciate the loving and caring girl that she will probably become of this.
Hope it works out. These problems are the worst because they are just aches in the mind. all it takes is time?
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A
male
reader, Commiserative +, writes (21 March 2010):
Commiserative is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni forgot to mention these things, i think they might get the situation across more clearly.
i was wrong to say she gave in if this isn't a part of the picture. the whole thing started when he asked her for a blowjob, to which she refused. after the first 15 minutes or so of that he grabbed her head and forced her head downward. she said it scared her really badly and she was afraid he'd force her into anything else she refused to.
after she had sex with the first guy, he completely vanished. starting the next day, they wouldn't speak for over a month. she was grounded for 3 weeks though over her grades, you can inference why those may have slipped because of how hard she took what happened with this guy. when they did speak again, it was because he was talking to one of her best friends and she simply asked why, to everything that had happened, and why he disappeared. his reply was "kiss my ass". that was the last time they spoke to each other.
the second time, the reason she said she gave in was because she was afraid that if she didn't he would break up with her.
this sounds stupid at first, but remember that he was one of her very few friends. i'm sure this is sometimes enough to make you feel, or want to feel attached to some one. especially since they were starting their relationship.
she would have felt more alone than she was and so she gave in hoping it would keep her from that. he broke up with her the next day to be with his ex who wouldn't take him back. after a few more days he went back to who is currently my girlfriend. when she told him she was afraid she might have gotten pregnant, he broke up with her again and let their entire school know the next day. (this reflects horribly on my schoool) the next day she was humiliated by nearly everyone screaming that she was pregnant during lunch.
after that, she stopped talking to him and two weeks to a month later my girlfriend and me hit it off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): This is exactly how I use to think and feel about my boyfriend, infact sometimes I still do. My boyfriend is five years older than me though and he does have alot of sexual past with girls and many love relationships. It pained me alot at first knowing I wasn't his first love and he wasn't always mine.
Everytime I looked at him all I could see was his hands all over those girls. I love him very much and It isn't a nice feeling at all knowing someone else loved and touched him.
However in your case, you say she's only had sex a couple times before you? Plus you know she didn't really want it with them? Well that isn't that bad really. You should look at it differently. She wasn't that into them and she was just a little pressured into it that's all. It was before she was with you not after.
At the end of the day she's with you now and she loves you. She choose you and them two guys didn't mean anything to her, she didn't even really want to do it. Believe what she says and try not to think about those thoughts.
It sounds like you are a very innsecure person like I was but in time to come it will get better. The more you spend with this girl and the longer you stay with her, these thoughts will gradually disappear.
You love this girl, don't split up with her because of that, you will regret it. Plus if you do that she will only meet someone new and then the girl you love will be sleeping with someone else! I'm sure you don't want that.
She's yours now and she loves YOU, not them. Just try and get those thoughts out your head, it can be done. I've experienced this sort of thing myself and it isn't easy but you have to train yourself to think of something else, like how much you love her etc.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): i have done loads of things before my bf that he doesnt know about like sex with a lot of guys i regret and wouldnt tell him for this reason. you should feel glad shes told you and she sees you different to other horrible guys. she trusts you. you should re pay this by respecting her choice to tell you instead of you never knowing. it may be hard now but dont let this affect you relationship with her because of these idiots.
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