A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone! I don’t have a lot of close friends, and that is why I’m hoping to get an advice that might help me sort through this!I have been married for over 10 years, and have two beautiful kids. My wife and I have been in a great relationship, very close, hardly arguing – it might be less than 5 times in all of our marriage -. But, in the last 6 months or so, she has changed. All of the changes indicate a new relationship. New clothes, going to the gym, always on her laptop, new email account, tons on text messages, us as strangers and not really talking much any more about anything. Tried to talk to her to find out as to what happened! All I get is things have changed and she feels very different! I’m to the point where I really feel like I just need to get out of this situation, because in my heart I feel she is cheating, but I don’t even want to know that! What is killing me; is our two kids! I’m willing to do whatever for them. I don’t really care to ever meet someone else or marry again! But how can I stay in this dysfunctional relationship and help my kids live and grow up in a good family life? Any help would be appreciated!~Thanks,
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): It is hard when people you have know for a long time change. However, just be cause a person joins a gym, buys new cloths, spends time on a pc, does not mean they are cheating. If you ask me I think it could be because she is unhappy their is a huge difference. What would you do if it was cheating????Do you have hard proof or just speculation. Have you always had an open marraige? Were you both able to tell each other anything???Sometimes we think we are close to a person, and we are trully not.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): It is hard when people you have know for a long time change. However, just be cause a person joins a gym, buys new cloths, spends time on a pc, does not mean they are cheating. If you ask me I think it could be because she is unhappy their is a huge difference. What would you do if it was cheating????Do you have hard proof or just speculation. Have you always had an open marraige? Were you both able to tell each other anything???Sometimes we think we are close to a person, and we are trully not.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 August 2008):
 Hi, thanks for the follow up, I'm glad you took the words I wrote in the spirit with which they were intended.
Let us know what you decide to do and how things go for you. We aunts sometimes get a little bit attached to hearing the outcomes, and truly want the happily ever afters.
Good luck, I wish you the strength to do what needs to be done.
XXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just would like to say thanks to all that responded. None of your comments/suggestions was harsh! Truth is truth if we like or not! I manage an operation of more than 150 people, and I find myself in a situation were I need to be harsh or blunt and to the point for the good of the employee. So, don’t worry about how you word your advice!
~Thanks again!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2008): Bravo Trisha, you've said things that I could only think.
Hello dear husband, you Present as aged 41-50, and currently living in the USA. I'm assuming your wife is the same age, and after 10years of marriage, suddenly she wants to change, she's doing new things and avoiding you. You need to step up to the plate, and do what Trisha says. Communication is vital, even if you have to have an arguement to find out what is going on. Be brave, cause your fighting for your marriage, don't give up, your not even sure what's going on yet.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2008): Dear Poster
Tisha gave you brilliant advice; do listen to what she suggested; read it over and over and follow her suggestions;
COMMUNICATION is VITAL in a marriage; I do believe it is time you both really open up and TALK; if need be get counceling.
My thoughts are with you, best wishes and lots of SMILES to the kids.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 August 2008):
Your wife has't become an online agony aunt, has she? That might account for the computer use. The rest of it is either as you suspect, an affair, or possibly she's going through her mid-life crisis? I know I've started working out more and am taking a fresh look at my wardrobe. Maybe it's watching 'What Not to Wear.'
Look, a couple of thoughts come to mind. First off, this is like thinking you have cancer and putting off going to the doctor. It's a huge worry up till the diagnosis, but once you know what you have and how to deal with it, then you can begin the recovery. The sooner you acknowledge the problem, as Kinky Boots has said, the sooner you can start dealing with the reality, rather than operating in some sort of hazy fog. You're in a bit of denial, you know, a friend would tell you to snap out of it and look at this with cold, clear eyes. You don't have a happy family life and you won't have a chance at it if you don't start to deal with it.
She needs to be made to tell what is going on, and not just get away with 'things have changed' and 'I feel different.' BBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Wrong answer.
I hate to say this too, but you did ask for advice, so I'm going to be a bit harsh on you. Being married for 10 years and not having fights doesn't necessarily mean that you have a good relationship. It just means you both are good at avoiding conflict. And that's what you're doing here. Neither of you apparently feel comfortable rocking the boat, but heavens, if you want to get this thing resolved, you're going to have to find a way to face it. At least for your children's sake.
I'm not saying that you weren't close, I'm suggesting that maybe you two just were trudging along through life and have been ignoring something that has been building over time. A case of wishful thinking, if you will.
Well, it's reality time, sorry to be so blunt. She's either having an affair or she's thinking about it. Wouldn't it be better to get in there and cut it off at the pass, if it's early stages yet? Why did you two get married? Did you love one another and feel passionately about being together and building a future together? Go get those feelings back. Fight a bit! You're caving without even trying to deal with it.
Make an appointment with a marriage counselor and tell her that you've done this and want her to come with you. If she refuses, you go anyway. But before you do this, pack the kids off to their grandparents or an aunt and uncle or something for a weekend, and schedule a discussion, a heart-to-heart with your wife. Challenge her, confront her, get her to TALK to you about what's been happening. And then LISTEN. Arguing and conflict can be good things, if managed properly. Sounds stupid, I know, but out of pain, there can be personal growth and realization of truths and what's important in life.
You know how people changed their attitudes about things after 9/11? That somehow little things weren't as important? You're having your own crisis here and you need to tackle it head on, not wish it away.
Sorry, I'm ranting now. I'll back off a bit.
There simply is no easy way out of this one. You have a right to be angry, you have a right to know what is going on. You also have to think about what your passive role in this is telling your wife. You don't care enough about her to get in there and woo her back? To recapture some of the early passion and love? What are you teaching your kids about love and marriage by example? Kids are intuitive and I'm quite sure know something is going on in your marriage.
I hope you realize that I'm shouting at you for your own benefit, and for your kids and even for your idiotic wife. I hope you can find it in yourself to tackle this, and to start this next phase in your marriage. I wish you good luck and patience and loads of help. And I hope you let us know how you get on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2008): This is a really hard situation. I don't think you should give up yet. Let her know exactly how you feel though, tell her the honest, painful truth. Explain that you don't want to lose her and try to see if she wants to work together with you to fix this. Maybe counselling is worth a go. All you can do is try. Once you've done this, and she isn't receptive (crossing my fingers for you that this is not the case), then maybe you will have to move on. No one should live in a loveless relationship forever.
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