A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Guys, I need your help! I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 months, I'm a virgin, he isn't. He is absolutely perfect and wonderful, a really nice person, caring and lovely and all of that, and before he asked me out we were pretty much best friends for a little over a year.But now, whenever I go round to his house we ALWAYS end up 'doing stuff', most of it initiated by him. He has fingered me which was good, but I haven't actually done anything to him yet... I tease him, like sliding my hand down to his jeans and then stopping, and I've rubbed it through his jeans - but I'm scared. I don't want to feel inadequate, but I do, because he's been with so many more people than me!I think I am ready to have sex, I just dont want to go that fast - I'd rather be with someone my age who was a virgin, because I'm worried about him comparing me to them and not being as good as them (which I inevitably won't be, as I'm so much less experienced).I haven't been in a long term relationship before. And you know when you're young and you have your first 'long term relationship', well, he's already had his, and lost his virginity, and done all that stuff you're supposed to do... And I haven't. So it feels weird to experience it with somebody who already has! I mean, he's told me how much he likes me and I really do believe him, and he's said that he doesn't want to mess anything up or pressure me because he likes me too much. So I don't think it's him as a person, just... circumstances?It's just, I dunno, he's already saying things to me when we're both turned on like, 'The things I want to do to you...' or 'I want to be inside you'. I just don't think sex is as big a step to him as it is to me. But I want it to be. The idea of sex is daunting anyway, not to mention with a non-virgin who is a lot more experienced.Help! Am I just insecure? Thankyou in advance xxxxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): I'm the one who poated the question - daletom, that was FANTASTIC advice, exactly what I needed, and I think you deserve a gold medal! Thankyou so much :)
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (2 September 2008):
I don't think you're insecure but I think he's pressing the sexual aspects of your relationship faster than you're ready to go. Given your age and experience, I think two months is a little soon to be adding sex to your relationship.
You need to have a talk with him - in the daylight, not in his bedroom at 12:30 AM. Tell him (if it's true!) that you can see him being your first sexual partner, but you're not ready for that yet. "I'm not ready yet." is all the justification you need for your position. Ask him to respect that, and please back off a little with the "I want to be inside you" remarks. Let him know you understand that some of the "stuff" you do puts him in a position where a sexual release is just about the only thing on his mind. Ask how you can alleviate some of this urge, either by doing different "stuff" or finding non-coital outlets for his urge. (It's not inappropriate to give him 3 minutes in private by himself if that's the best way for you two to deal with this.)
While you are preparing yourself emotionally for sex, do some mental and physical preparations also. BOTH of you need to see a physician. Contraception and STD's are VERY REAL problems you must face, and "condoms" isn't the only answer (perhaps not even the best answer in your situation).
Your first time will also go much better if you work up to it. You might think of the pre-sex lovemaking practices of prior generations - thongs like necking, petting, bundling, outercourse, etc - as out of date or quaint, but I'm convinced they helped people learn to be better sex partners. I'd suggest you spend at least several days, maybe as much as a couple months, learning about each others' naked bodies, pleasure zones, preferences, orgasmic response, etc. before trying intercourse.
Thee are many threads on Dear Cupid dealing with the physical process of first-time sex. Two recent ones you might want to look at are "How can I make my first time having sex enjoyable?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-make-my-first-time-having.html ] and "Any stories about losing your virginity??" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/any-stories-about-losing-your-virginity.html ].
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): I don't think you need to worry that much about being "inadequate." Honestly the only thing guys really care about is "doing it" & not how good "it" is. Sure you may not blow his mind the first time, but he's doesn't care abou that.
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A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (2 September 2008):
 It will probably be better for you with someone who knows what they are doing. if neither of you have a clue it can feel quite clumsy and awkward whereas your boyfiend will know more about how to please you and will guide you and help you in pleasing him. This will still be a big thing for him for two reasons, firstly its his first time with you and that is important to him and secondly a lot of men find it a huge turn on to be with a virgin and if he is a loving caring guy then I think you will find the whole experience very loving and gentle.
At the end of the day though only you know when you are ready but dont be worried because he is not a virgin, think of it as a bonus x
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A
female
reader, hanz1993 +, writes (2 September 2008):
 Ok, well DON'T rush yorself what ever you do...You will honestly know if your ready and when your ready if there is honestly all this doubt then you are NOT ready!If he truly does love you then he won't compare you. To be honest i think if you were ready enough to let him finger you then you shouldn't be scared about proper sex.x
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