A
male
age
30-35,
*91
writes:Okay guys,So I'm back again, feeling really down at the minute as it's going downhill rapidly with my FWB, I've know her for about a month or so now (was introduced through my sister) and the first few weeks were great, we saw each other regularly and were having great sex and about a week ago she dropped the bombshell that she doesn't want to have any more intimacy as she feels 'slaggish'. We had a little chat about this and we'd agreed that we weren't going to do anything else (sexually) until she wanted to and now she's telling me that she thinks that is over between us.Now that's fine, I don't want to make her feel bad about herself in anyway because I think the world of this girl but I don't really know how to show it (she could easily pass off as a guy friend with how she acts and she's hard to predict when I try to compliment her, I try to be playful, calling her 'sexy' as opposed to beautiful, we've joked in the past about what I should call her) she said I should stop saying things like that to her as it's not the thing that 'friends' do. Even more recently, when I've been asking her to do things, it's really felt like she's been ignoring me and trying to avoid me, with last night, I ended up sending her a message whilst pretty drunk saying 'It feels like you're ignoring me' and 'You make me feel very desperate' in regards to me chasing her up to do something. For example, on Saturday I asked her to hang out and she said she'd let me know, about and hour or two later she tells me that she's going to the cinema with her friend and b/f and some other guy (This guy has been getting in the way and isn't happy that I'm friends with her either, but he's been a real dick with her in the past which is why I don't know that she can even be friends with him still) It's not the fact that she hung out with another guy, just that I'd asked her to do something and she blew me off to go to the cinema with that doucher.We ended up having a bit of an argument, with her saying that we aren't an item and we don't always have to see each other, to which I agreed.....she has problems at home with trust from her parents, she doesn't want to have to lie about coming around to my house and stuff and that's why she said she's not done many things with me lately - She's 20 years old, I think she should be able to do whatever she likes by now and it's making me think that's a bit of a cop out excuse.I've tried to explain my feelings to her, that I'm not jealous when she does things with other friends, I see her chatting to other guys and I'm not because I know we're mates and this is only a bit of fun, but things have really changed, from seeing each other regularly and having good sex to feeling like I'm being rejected or ignored and I feel really hurt as I thought things were going great then she drops me this news which I've taken pretty badly.We're still speaking and everything okay, I just don't want to lose our FWB status as it was fantastic, I just don't know where it's broken down and really need some advice on to what I should do from here.....This girl means a lot to me and I want to show that I don't just want her for sex, that I really care about her for her personality.If anyone can provide me with a bit of help, I'd be really grateful as I'm having a real hard time in life at the moment.Thankyou :)
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 May 2011):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the question That's a very fair point celtic_tiger, I said it wouldn't happen, but it did lolTo be fair though, I could of seen myself beginning to like her anyway just because of how she is as a person, but having sexual relations certainly didn't help.And I definitely won't get back into the situation again!Thanks for your input :)
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (4 May 2011):
 I just want to say well done for being honest and sorting yourself out.
But also that this is what happens when you have a FWB relationship. Someone ALWAYS gets hurt. It is very difficult to keep it just business, one party always gets more emotionally attached, more emotionally involved and falls in love and wants more.
Everyone says, "oh I can keep it just friends, I wont get attached" but it happens.
Perhaps lay off the FWB situation again? Stick with having proper healthy emotionally fulfilling relationships. :)
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 May 2011):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks deirdre :)
You really helped me out on this one and I feel so much better about myself for doing so, sure I'm a little upset that she only wants to be friends, but hey, she's a great girl and I can live with that. Ill move on best I can as I'm not so great with women but ill give it my best shot.
Thanks again for the great help :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): Well done you! It pays to just be honest, ok its not what you want but at least you know where you stand, but I will say this. Its important now that you date other girls and move on with your life, don't be waiting in the side lines. She has told you she sees you as more of a friend, so just go out and enjoy dating. It is good that both of you can still be friends though.
All the best.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 May 2011):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I did it, told her exactly how I feel....she took it well and we're still friends, business as usual.
She told me she'd still hang out with me, but no sex because she doesn't feel the same and doesn't want to lead me on.
I also asked whether she could ever see something happening between us and she said she sees me as more of a friend but maybe, so there's a little hope, but for now, just friends it is.
Thanks all, I'm really proud of myself for even doing this, as I was super nervous and I'm not very confident!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): Ok so its her that doesnt want to take things further.In that case you need to accept that she is not ready for a relationship, but if the situation continues as FWB you will get even more hurt the longer it goes on because you have feelings for her. I know you prob wont like this but you need to stop sleeping with her for your own sake, tell her you have feelings for her, just put it like that, and either, she wants all or nothing. I know its cruel to give ultimatums like that but why should she pick you up and drop you whenever she wants, you're a human being with feelings and its you're responsibility to protect your feelings. So stay friends if its not too awkward. But just friends, without sex.Good luck!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (3 May 2011):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Deirdre,
I honestly do think you're right and that I am beginning to love this girl, I should have thought about this even before the first time we had sex (I also lost my virginity yo yhis girl) and I think I've gotten too attached, something that I said wouldn't happen.
I can imagine if I told her that I do love her though that shed want to break things off immediately as she has dropped various hints that she doesn't want a bf for example she's said who would want a bf at our age? and things like she hates the word love and stuff like that.
I know for sure she doesn't love this other guy, he has been a real asshole with her and done some really bad things with her friends and sister telling her to keep away from him. She's told me a few times herself how weird she thinks he is.
I just don't want to put myself out there and tell her I'm in love and risk ruining the relationship....I mean how couldd we stay FWB or even friends with her knowing that I love her and she doesn't feel the same? I really don't want to lose her from my life and don't want to mess things up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): Maybe this girl developed strong feelings for you, but feels she is just being used for sex and therefore the situation no longer works for her, she might feel like your playing head games. Her saying "friends don't say that", is her way of trying to clarify what exactly the two of you have because she doesnt want to believe all that, get her hopes up just to be disappointed.OR maybe she is in love with this other guy and wants to get serious with him. Either way you should be honest with yourself and what you really want, if you love this girl and want to be with her and only her, then tell her,yes i said LOVE because i think you are in love with her but you won't addmit it to yourself. People seem to be so afraid of that word, particularly guys, but if its how you feel and what you want be a man about it and accept it, you're in love with her, afterall you're only human!When you accept that fact then addmit it to her, even if she turns you down at least you'll have closure and can move on don't be afraid of rejection its part of life.But until you do that you may accept the fact that this other guy is in the picture and accept the fact that you have no right to run him down because you too, believe it or not are messing this girl around, although you may not realise it, because the fact that you don't know what you want is obvious to her and comes across as you blowing hot and cold.I hope it all works out for you, you just have to be brave and tell her how you feelGood luck!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (3 May 2011):
N91 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ Skooloflife Thanks for the reply :)Well, I've had a very good clear the air talk with her since I've posted this, I've told her all my concerns that it feels like things have changed a little.Her final line before we went back to being our normal selves and chatting away was 'Let's see what happens, and stop being grim' we're still on good terms and have been speaking okay since.I spoke to a friend and my sister and they both suggested to ignore her and see if she comes to me so I'm going to give it a shot as it's usually always me who texts or sends the first message.As for what I want, I'm happy with FWB at the minute but would love the chance to date her, she's made it clear that it was FWB at first but I'm unsure what it is right now as she basically just said wait and see.@GherkinsaregrimThanks for the reply!She's made it pretty clear to me that she doesn't want this to progress past friends, I think I've maybe gotten a little too involved and thought I'd be able to change her mind.As for the moving out, I'm only 19 years old myself, still living at home so I don't think that would be a viable option for us! hahaI really do try and compliment her but she doesn't always take it, it's kinda unpredictable with how she isn't going to react to me.
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A
female
reader, Gherkinsaregrim  +, writes (2 May 2011):
Romance her possibly. Take her somewhere nice where you an tell her that you really like her and you want her to be yours! Make her feel special, she is clearly worried about her parents finding out, how long until she can move out?
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A
female
reader, skoolof life +, writes (2 May 2011):
 You sound totally confused as to what you want with her. Are you just put out cos she's not putting out? She sounds like she's made up her mind and doesn't want the FWB situation, your also not her priority anymore so maybe it's just run it's courseTry ignoring her, don't chase her, let her come to you, if she doesn't, then you have your answer. Plus a month is barely anything dating wise - do yourself a favour and lighten up x
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