A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I want to leave my husband of 6 years but am not sure how to say it. He says its obvious I don't love him (which isn't entirely true) but I am not "in love" with him anymoremy question is, how do I tell him. I hate hurting him and seeing him cry but I really want to move on..We also have 2 kids together. the last time I said I wanted to seperate he cried then got angry.is that normal?I hate hurting him and want the best possible relationship after the fact with him (for our kids sakes) right now I just need to get it out there but am not sure how to say it w/o sounding like a bitch...any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI work with all women. There are four of us at my work. There is one guy who is my dads age and NO not even in my sickest dreams would I think of him sexually. He is not anywhere near what I would turn my head for..
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (5 May 2009):
 Well since you haven't tried marriage counseling, and it appears you won't(I'd do it at least for the sake of the kids if not yourselves, but once again just my opinion), I'll respond again
That being the case, just come clean, don't listen to any protestations(since he says it's obvious you don't love him, why should he put up a fight? he'll just let you go right?), and don't look back.
Make sure you can get what you can, because I'm sure his attorney will suggest canceling all joint bank accounts, totally separating his finances from you as soon as possible and making sure he is in good of a financial position as possible. Any good attorney would.
The reason I am being so blunt is that you really haven't given a solid reason to leave without at least trying MC. Being a Couch Potato is one thing, but do you really want to break it off without saying you did absolutely everything you could to save the marriage? You want to be able to tell your kids with a straight face that you tried everything you could when they are old enough to understand.
So if you get the divorce, you say you would never deny him the kids, and that he is a "wonderful father". But we both know that children are the unwilling pawns in divorces as things become a little bit nastier with each passing day. There in reality is never such a thing as an "amicable divorce".
I will end by reiterating what I said before. This marriage can be saved. Think real hard about your decision, for it not only affects you, but also your husband and your children. This may sound as if I am siding with your husband, but I am not. I am merely hoping you find the courage to attempt to save your marriage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone who responded. I know what I have to do. Like I said, I just hate hurting him. I don't hate him, its just I don't love him anymore.
to answer some questions, no I do not have any other man in my life, I just simply do not think he and I are in the same directions anymore. We have two kids and I am more than content staying at home after work every night but when the time comes to get a sitter and maybe go out to a bonfire he is not with me on that, so I go alone. I am young. And yes, we have kids. But that is not a excuse to not go out once in awhile together and have some fun.
with that said. I am just not in love with him anymore. He is a wonderful father, and I'd never deny him the kids but I really want to move on and find myself, and then someday someone who has similar interests. not just sitting in front of the tv.
I would love for him to play cards with me or boardgames even video games. something other than watching Family guy every night. But. he wants to veg out after a long day at work.
no we have not tried conunseling and no I do not know what would come of it, I do know I have told him how I feel and have even said we need to seperate, but now he wants to fight over the house and will sometimes just say "he'll keep trying" when I feel we are beyond that.
thanks again everyone. all your insight is wonderful. I do wonder though, are there any men out there who have been through this? what is your point of view? how did you feel. I know I keep saying this but I hate hurting him and I hate seeing him cry. I wish so much that this was a mutual thing. :(
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female
reader, worrytoomuch +, writes (5 May 2009):
Well. You need to be honest, straight up, and with nothing held back. You may think you are saving him the pain but honestly, you're only prolonging it and in the end, hurting him worse. Please don't feel so bad about this. I know it hurts having to hurt someone you've shared so much with but it's time to move on. Wouldn't you appreciate someone getting out instead of just staying and living everyday with no love. It hurts very much but if you truly feel this way, it's the only thing you can do. And for your kids sake.. don't you want to be a good role model and show them they deserve the love that life has to offer? If you stay in a life-less marriage, they will never see love. It's going to be rough and definitely not easy. But, if there is ever one constant in life remember that everything changes.
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reader, domains3  +, writes (5 May 2009):
I was married for 17 years and have 3 kids. I got married incredibly young and am still very young. Not taking my kids into consideration for this text because it makes matters so much worse than separating from a husband, I do however, acknowledge how brutal it can be to hurt someone so badly by leaving. By you stating that he feels already that you no longer love him, he is already living through minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day agony of the more than likely possibiity of having lost you. You have clearly already made up your mind but don't know how to proceed and nor do you want to hurt him as you do love him but are done and I am sure you wish that you felt otherwise. What you are doing is hurting him every second worse as time goes on than if you were to sit down and tell him that you need a break. Honestly, though you think you feel the way you do, you have no idea how you will feel in six months or six years from now about him. By stating it in potentially limited time, confused, terms you are giving him something to hold on to and you are also giving yourself a much needed but as yet unrecognized way out for yourself. I left my husband 4 years ago, with no intension of going back. We are now dating, enjoying each other with new found respect. We both had a lot of changing, growing up to do, adventuring, self growth etc. to do. It began with him absolutely hating my guts and being so hurt and angry with me to us now, talking daily, taking family holidays, having dates and realizing that the grass is most definitely not greener out there, it is just different. Tell him and move out but don't rush into anything at all. Who says you move out and divorce has to happen immediately or even legal separation. four years later and we still don't have a legal separation agreement. Life is short...there is no need to rush the biggest decisions of your life. Take a step at a time and ask for some time to yourself to find yourself and commit to nothing else.
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reader, GrimmReality +, writes (5 May 2009):
Sweety, have you tried Marriage Counseling?
have you two been able to be together in a therapy session?
I only say that because you were a bit vague, but thats ok. Just my opinion, but please at least look into that option if you havent. Maybe you need some help discovering the reasons why you fell out of love with him.
Im sorry you are going through this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): It doesnt matter how u say it, its still going to devastate him. Sugar coating it will only prolong his pain. Tell him truthfully how u really feel so that in the long run he can heal. My partner of 6 yrs dumpd me but he wuldnt give me strait answers coz like u he didnt want to hurt me. It ended up hurting me more in the long run. Tell him gently but tell him truthfully. Please!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): just be honest with yourself and him.
there's no way to let him down gently. it'll hurt him just as much, if not more.
also, are you sure you don't still love him enough to stay with him?
i don't believe that there's a difference between loving someone and being "in love" with someone. either you love him or you don't. it's that simple. maybe the passion and excitement has gone, but the deep connection will remain if you ever truley loved him.
first and foremost you have to think of your kids and as i don't have any then i don't know what to tell you on that one.
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