A
female
age
41-50,
*ittleteebaby123
writes:My husband and I dated for three years and were sexually active. When we got married, I just stopped wanting sex at all, but I did continue to masturbate. I dreaded sex and just had no interest. And when I say dreaded I mean I would just pray I wouldn't have to do it, but I always felt immense guilt for not doing it. I feel it important to mention that I also developed crushes on guys I worked with along the way (none of them ever acted upon whatsoever). He stopped approaching me for sex all together. I would just always initiate when I could tell the lack of sex was building anger in him and when I knew we had gone too long without and I could put it off no longer. I always enjoyed the sex once we started the act, but just getting it in my head to get it going was overwhelming to me. Thus, he felt like sex was always like a duty to me (which I guess is true), and because I had a small sexual history before him, my lack of interest in sex really exacerbated my history in his eyes. He says if we hadn't had intimacy problems all those years, then my past wouldn't bother him as much and to the degree it does now. I met him when I was 18 years old and we have been together in total for 18 years so my "past" was a long time ago. I really had no emotional attachment to the people in my past. I didn't even enjoy the acts and really don't know what compelled me to do them. I think it was a lack of attention from my father. Nonetheless, this has plagued us for YEARS. One very major thing from my past that bothers my husband now is back when we were dating I told him that my ex-boyfriend (only other sexual partner besides him) had a big penis. It wasn't that much of a problem until about five years ago I had began talking secretly with this ex by email (non-sexual). My husband found out and was devastated. Now that we have both recently been able to turn this thing around (and we are only together because of the grace of God b/c I don't think many others could have come back from the bad we endured). Don't get me wrong, we always loved each other. Of course that was a huge part. And things weren't always all bad. The intimacy was just awful and it manifested in all other areas of the relationship. Now my husband feels humiliated and degraded because he is insecure about my past and about how he should act with me in the bedroom because I just didn't want him to really try anything on me (we had sex over the years just not enough and it was very robotic and methodical). Thus, he feels I will reject him if he really lets loose. We have made great progress, but it is still a large hurdle. He will come to me for reassurance on these issues, and I just get over emotional or angry because I feel he will eventually realize how horrible I am because of the things I did in my past or how horrible I've been in our marriage and leave. I get angry because I think, "I've been your wife for 15 years and we've had a child, and I don't deserve to be raked over the coals about my past any longer." But really he is just needing kindness and reassurance. Over the years he has been very angry and bitter and had a wall up so big he was just like a stone. Now, it is hard for me to see that he does need reassurance because he was such a self-sufficient hard ass for so long. I was ready to turn things around a lot sooner than he believes, but I couldn't break through his rock exterior that he had built against me. Thus, I have some hurt too. It is just hard, and I have squandered so much time with him that I don't want to loose anymore. I want him to feel good about me and us, but I hit a brick wall on how to get him there emotionally. The actual sex act has actually kicked off quite well. It's just the emotional. My parents were horrible roll models for marriage so I guess for years I was kinda inept in that department. Anyway.....If anyone cares to read an epic novel and comment on it, I would appreciate it immensely.
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male
reader, diamondave +, writes (1 November 2010):
 I have a few observations here. I've had to deal with the depression over my partners past lovers and know how bad it can be. I wont go into that but I would like to give my thoughts on this one here. I think we have problems with some of the previous men in our womens lives because we want to be the source of their sexual satisfaction. We feel like we are competing with the others to make sure we are the best at giving that to our women. When we are confident we are that person we don't get AS upset about the history. Of cousrse almost every man wants to be the only one, but it's not usually the case.
I think you have made many mistakes that brought these emotions up in your husband. Everything you did shows him that he is not good enough for you. Your actions appear to me to say that you aren't being satisfied by him but they were by your other boyfriends.
The past maybe long ago to you but to him it affects him everyday. That is why it keeps affecting your relationship.
If you want it to go away you need toget to the root of the problem-his insecurity. I can see why he would be so insecure given your treatment of him. I was insecure and my wife didn't even give me a reason other than her history. I suspect your husband is really having a hard time with the added agony of the other things you mentioned.
If another woman comes along and gives him what he has been missing from you it will be hard for him not to go for it.
You haven't mentioned if you really are being satisfied by him in that area and maybe you aren't and that's why you continue to have problems. If so things are probably not going to get better. If he can't feel like you want him more than the others he will always feel second rate and the others will always be on his mind. A man wants his wife to be fullfilled by him and he wants to be desired by her. You showed him the opposite is true. You are going to have to make him feel like he is better than the others and like you want him the most. You need to show him why he is better. I think the the emotions over our womens past is always a tough pill to swallow but if you can make him feel the way I mentioned above I think it will help.
A
male
reader, rayneman +, writes (31 October 2010):
Sounds simple to me. You didn't want to have sex after you got married. He turned into a selfsufficient hardass. You want to get things turned around. He is still a lttle nervous about what you are thinking in there. He's not wanting to do anything wrong because he don't want things to go back how they were.
The solution is simple. Fuck him till his eyes roll back in his head. Wear his as out. He won't have time to worry he'll be to tired. Be unconventional. Blow him in the car, wake him up with a blowjob, get on top, get on bottom, jerk him off on your face, WHATEVER!
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male
reader, loverandfighter +, writes (31 October 2010):
Your going to hav e ahard time undoing what has happened for sure. I read some of the other replies and to me thire is a lot of good avice there. What else are you looking for? This site im sure has lots of ideas if you spend the time to look. I do know this though. If your problems started because of sex thats probly a good place to start. I surely hope you dont refuse to do anything with him that you did with someone elso though. He won't forgive yoiu for that. I think you needt o get out of your comfort zone. Do you know why porn is so popular? Because the girls will do anything and act like they love it. We all know it is acting but they cater to men and thats what men like so it sells. He things you don't like sex with him now and maybe you dont. You want to save your marrige leaarn to like it or fake it good like girls on pornos. You don't have to do everything they do but do it like they do you know what I mean. If he thinks you don't like it he won't get better. He will want another girl that wants him.
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A
female
reader, littleteebaby123 +, writes (30 October 2010):
littleteebaby123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello! I like the advice from the guy that started with "That poor guy! That is such a sad story...."
I do love my husband, and we are doing so much better in the intimacy area, but he still says he is insecure. He thinks I should just know automatically how to reassure him and show him I care, and I do care deeply. He is the love of my life, and he is a good man and has remained faithful through it all. And he loves me which makes me feel like the luckiest woman alive after the pain I have caused. I want to really try to show him how much I care, but I'm always afraid he will think I'm just blowing smoke. He has even said sometimes that he fells like I'm blowing smoke even though I'm serious as a heart attack about what I'm saying. Maybe you, as a man, can give me some advice on how to bring back his confidence and security. Things I can do and say that will drive home how I feel and that I do mean it. I seem to have a hard time showing what I feel, and I need to beef it up. I look forward to your tips!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): You don't deserve to raked over the coals about your past. The past is the past and it can't be changed. I've dealt with retroactive jelousy and it is absolutly debilitating. You just can't stand the thought of your special lady with another man. It can consume your thoughts.
I managed to overcome mine to a large degree when my wife shared her anger at the men in her circumstances. She was mad when she realized all they cared about was the sex and not her and the effect it had on her life. I guess it kind of made us partners in our anger instead of against each other.
If my wife had not been so patient as she had been with me and made me feel as important as she has I would really have a tough time. She knows how to make sure I need not worry and make me feel like I'm the only one that matters. Just keep trying! It took us a while but now it's great!
Good luck to you and I hope things get better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): I would like to here more about what kind of guy your husband is. Is he a kind and gentle man normally? Is he mean and uncaring? Is he a good father? Is he physically attractive to you? If you don't find him attractive that could explain some things. Did you marry him mainly for money or security?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): In your question you said you only had sex with one guy, the "big" one, before your husband. But you allude to "acts" with others and all the things you did. You either are trying to diminish what you have done by calling it a "small sexual history" or maybe you are not being honest with yourself. Sex can be more than intercourse you know. Some of your problems may lie in those details that may not be so minor. You may need to face the facts that you brought some of your history into your marriage because you didn't want to admit what they really were. You may need to address why you would diminish them to yourself. It may be tough to do but it may explain why you dreaded sex with your husband yet had crushes on other guys as well as masturbated as opposed to being with your husband. you may not have been turned off by him so much as by yourself. Your history may be far larger than than you would like to admit, or maybe not that big at all. But I feel you are not being honest with yourself at least to some degree. Most of us have done some things we are not proud of, but we need to come to terms with them especially when may be ruining a marriage. Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): Do you fix up and try to show him that you want to be attractive for him? Do you try to be attractive for him in bed? Gong to bed in curlers and flannel pajamas sends a message and going to bed in lingerie sends another. You can show him you care without saying a word.
Are you only trying to improve his confidence or are you actually feeling attracted to him again? If you are still dreading sex with him it would not be fair to lead him on. Best to just be honest if that's the case. But if things are improving for you in the bedroom try what I mentioned above. If you feel sexy you might want to more!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): Was he unable to please you or finish the job in that department or did he disgust you in some way? What exactly is such a turnoff for you? You were active before you were married so what changed? Shouldn't you address these questions with him? If he was that bad why would you marry him knowing his performance wasn't up to snuff?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): That poor guy! That is such a sad story. Sounds like you had some psychological problems going on there to me! Well this deserves a long answer but I will keep it as short as I can.
First of all, if your guy has stuck around for all of that he MUST love you. The things you mentioned definitely will traumatize a fella. Surely you can imagine why some walls went up there. Especially after the ex-boyfriend emails. I'll be honest. I think very few guys would have stayed around for much of that. But enough of that. I'm sure some people are going to let you know how they perceive your situation and some of it might be pretty harsh so get prepared.
The good thing is it sounds like you are both ready to work it out so lets concentrate on the positive.
Fifteen years is a long time to subject the person you took an oath to love to that kind of marriage. It's going to take a while to bring him back and that is just the way it is. Use the search option here and look up retroactive jealousy and small penis and you may get an idea of the war that has been going on in his head over the past years.
It's gonna be hard to overcome and it may be inconvenient and exhausting at times. Rule number 1! You need to make sure your man KNOWS 100% he is the most important thing in your life. You can't get by with average at this point. You aren't maintaining, your rebuilding. You are going have to worship the ground he walks on. At least for a while.
You are gonna have to prove to him that you care for him when everything you have done in the past indicated to him that you practically despised him. You may need to do some SUCKING up (pun intended). Because of the inferiority he feels because of your past and how it manifested again through the emails, telling him "I love your penis" or "I don't really even like them that big" and so on is gonna just drive the insult home. He knows what he has and he can't change it. Even if that is the case to you, all he can imagine is some guy cramming a penis bigger than his into his wife. You need to concentrate on building his confidence when you get the opportunity and do it tactfully, such as telling him "I love it when you _____". Or send him a text saying "All I could think about today is coming home and sucking your ____,or riding your____,or whatever you want to fill in the blanks with.
He has missed out on a lot of what men need to feel whole and he needs to have that given to him by you now. It sounds like your time in the bedroom has improved but is that according to you or him? Has he told you "I'm a little tired tonight honey can we do it tomorrow? If not, you may not be using the right yardstick. You could try telling yourself that your doing it enough when he says HE has had enough.
Finally, the single most important thing you can do is show enthusiasm in the bedroom and out of it. If you can be enthusiastic about what he is doing, and become engaged in it, it will help his ego more than anything else you can do. Since it has been a chore in the past if you don't show some enthusiasm now, he'll think nothing has changed. Show some enthusiasm when it comes to pleasing him in bed also. Make sure you take some time to show him he is the man of the hour once in a while.
Well, I would call this a start. Others may have some to add or detract from what I have said here. Sounds like there is a lot going on here that we don't know about. I have no idea what kind of guy your husband is but if you want to try to improve your life together you must care for him. This is just one guys opinion.
Just remember, some of the things I suggested are inconvenient, but so is divorce.
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A
male
reader, deadwalk  +, writes (28 October 2010):
 If u tells your husband can't able to satisfy u in bedroom he's not fit to be your life partner but still if u have some feelings in him that's really I have to appreciate about this but my question is again if same thing repeats what next?
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