A
female
age
36-40,
*ovemy3girls
writes:I fell in love with a girl who is married. When we started seeing each other her and her husband have been apart for a few months. She kept asking me out and i kept saying no. I was scared cause I'm a guy who has always kept to myself and worked hard to get where I am. She has 3 kids and I was a person that didn't want any. I tried not to fall for her but I ended up falling in love with her. Now we are in engaged and she's trying to divorce her ex. She doesn't receive much help with the kids from her ex so I help her as much as I can. She loves me and I know it. She's the best thing that happened to me. But now my coworkers call it an instant family and I don't like it. She is so stressed and always crying because of stress from her ex. He doesn't want to take them, he puts her down trying to make her feel like she's no good, constantly saying hurtful things that put her down. The stress from being a single mom of 3 and her ex putting up a fight with the divorce just to be a jerk has really gotten to her. She was with her ex for 6 years and the whole time she was depressed and stressed from him. How can I make her feel better?She won't let me say anything to her ex cause she believes it will make things worse. Any ideas on how I can make her realize that she's better then what her ex says? I love her and i tell her everyday. I tell her to forget and ignore what he says but it always gets to her. I just want my fiance I love so very much to smile everyday all day. All I care about is her and her 3 kids happiness. I know everything isn't perfect but i want to make it as perfect as possible for us. Any advice is helpful I'm new to this sort of thing
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): I'd certainly wait until the dust settles for sure before making any commitments to her, and her kids; particularly if you don't even like your coworkers saying that you're going to have an instant family! Guess what, ding-a-ling, your coworkers are exactly, positively correct! If you are not willing to step-up to the plate for your woman AND her kids, you are not at all ready for marriage to her. She and the kids are a package deal! These kids will look upon you with fear, suspicion, animosity... maybe some day, if you play your cards right, love. If you don't think that the most important thing to your woman is her KIDS, and they should be, then you are sadly mistaken. It will ruin your marriage if you don't understand that her number 1 obligation is her kids. You need to be an understanding step-father (...these kids sound like they've been through hell). You should never or hardly ever get involved in mother-kids spats, at least initially; and provide guidance and unconditional love to them. That's what would make it perfect, and your woman happy. If you don't understand that, you're too immature or too stupid to marry. Also, don't get involved in divorce. She needs to work it out with ex, not you. Again, in summation, if you want to make your woman happy, (1) don't get involved in divorce (be supportive, but not active participant); (2) don't overly parent step-children, or get involved in mother-kids fights -- everyone will resent your involvement, trust me; just love them (3) wait until dust settles, or you might be the resentful one. Hey, I don't blame you for not wanting to take on an instant family. But, in this case, that's exactly what it is. If you really love this woman, you cannot separate the package. Take all, or nothing.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 June 2009):
 Divorce is painful and stressful even when both parties agree that it's for the best. You are just going to have to wait for the dust to settle. Be as supportive as you can, help with the kids when you can...just be there for her. Time will bring her smile back.
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