A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been married for 12 years with a period of seperation of 4 years within that due to infidelity on his part.Since we have been back together (around 2 years) things have changed. The simplest way to explain is that I live with one of my best friends:-- we live very seperate lives and enjoy different hobbies and very different company;- we have not had any sexual contact in 9 months;- I underwent a serious op this year which has changed my outlook on life and made me realzse I want children (i'm 33), he says he "will" but deep down doesn't want them;I feel that we are together because of friendship, familiarity and a fear of change. After 14 years together our life goals are so different that we have little in common.I have tried to reignite the spark and the feelings that brought us together but nothing seems to work.I don't want to be another divorce statistic but I also want to be happy and feel that at 33 my life is not yet over.The problem is that I honestly don't think he sees any of this (no matter what I say) and seems content to continue on the same path (yes I have expressed myself). When I question any aspect, he agrees with me and says okay.He is a lovely, kind, caring man who I desperately don't want to hurt but I no longer believe he is the one for me. And I want him to be with someone that appreciates and loves him for who he is.I just want some advice about the best way to approach with him the idea of separation, knowing that he will beg, plead and I will weaken and stay.
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best friend, divorce, infidelity, period, spark, want children, want to be happy Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): Dear Poster
I suggest you write down how you feel, what you are missing and what you want; then have a very calm and loving talk to him and explain all those feelings, wants and needs to him and tell him that you don't want him to feel bad or you don't want him to change, but you want your freedom. You don't want to waste any more of his time and you want to be able to move on with your life; hoping to meet somebody that can make you happy. If he begs and pleads and you are scared that you might be persuaded; suggest that you both go for counseling; with counseling it will soon be established if there is a chance for this marriage to survive and if it is not possible, (which it sounds to me is the case); the counselor will help you both to move forward HOPEFULLY WITHOUT having lots of unpleasantness and drama but to part on a good footing and as friends.
Be strong, this might not be easy but you deserve to be happy!
Best wishes and lots of smiles to you!
Keep us posted.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): I am in exactly your shoes and I have decided that I need to set up my plan (finances, a place to move out to, friends support network at the ready) before I tell my husband. That way I can just go and not have to get weak or listen to the begging. Sometimes when things go wrong they stay wrong and it made you see the cracks in your relationship when you split - you had a chance to grow and develop or your own sense of self. I did the same thing for 18 months and then went back to my husband and it has been two years of hell - completely intolerable and I have let my self down doing this. Like you no sex life either and we 'live' in two separate rooms. You sound traditional with a need to be a free spirit so definitely go for it and sit down one morning on a Saturday and say you have been unhappy and feeling empty about your relationship and you want more for both of you. Then leave. Have all the arrangements in place. I don't believe there is an easy way .
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A
male
reader, sommerslover  +, writes (12 December 2008):
 You really need to think of yourself here. No matter how much he begs and pleads. You need to be happy, not only with yourself, but also with the person you marry. This is in all fairness to both of you.
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