A
female
age
36-40,
*hzuri
writes:I have been married for 8, almost 9 months and I want to leave. We dated for about 2 years, even though most of the first year was long distance. We lived together for the second and then got married. I've started to feel like we rushed everything and my feelings have changed because of it.I notice more and more problems with our relationship every day and have been trying to make it work for the majority of our marriage. I realized I may have made a mistake about 4 months ago but resigned myself to trying to work it out before doing anything drastic.Now that a old ex has entered the picture again and I've realized how much I miss my family and friends it feels like a waste being here and in this relationship. However I do not know how to tell my husband, I know he will be devastated at the very least but I am worried that he will hurt himself. We had a conversation a week or so ago in which he mentioned he would probably shoot himself in the head if I ever left.Obviously I still care about him enough to ask someone for some advice on how to do this and how in the world do I keep him from hurting himself! I couldn't ever bear it if he killed himself because I did leave him like I know I'm going to because I can't forever try to make someone happy when I myself am not happy at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2008): I am in the same situation. I dated my husband for 3 years and have been married for 6. Finacially my husband is not alot of help. I pay the bills, mortgage, taxes. He pay for the grocery bill. We never go out because he doesn't seem to want to pay to go out. I have been acting a lot less affectionate. I am waiting for my in to ask him to leave. I keep debating about being a coward and leave a dear john letter and leave for a week. I am not sure exactly how to help you, but I can use the same advice.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2008): I am in the same situation. I dated my husband for 3 years and have been married for 6. Finacially my husband is not alot of help. I pay the bills, mortgage, taxes. He pay for the grocery bill. We never go out because he doesn't seem to want to pay to go out. I have been acting a lot less affectionate. I am waiting for my in to ask him to leave. I keep debating about being a coward and leave a dear john letter and leave for a week. I am not sure exactly how to help you, but I can use the same advice.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (10 August 2007):
 The threats of suicide amount to emotional abuse. Your husband uses these threats to control you by playing upon your guilt.
You are not responsible for his choices. But you are certainly responsible for yours. And by acquiescing to his manipulation you are choosing to enable your husband's abusive and controlling behaviour.
Now is the time to place boundaries on your husband's unacceptable behaviour. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (9 August 2007):
 Try going to marital counseling. If talking about your problems together doesn't bring about a change for the positive and help you re-kindle your love, then it may be a way for you husband to learn how to cope with the ending of your marriage. And he can retain the counselor during and after the divorce as a support system to keep him from going off the deep end. You cannot stay in a marriage and feel like a hostage because of suicide threats, but neither will it be easy for you to live with the guilt if he does himself in. It would be better if you can ease out of your marriage gradually and give your husband a chance to get used to the idea, and hopefully take steps to develop his life around other people (friends, family) as a means of support. Try the counseling first and give it a few months. Then you could try a trial separation and live apart for maybe 6 months (some states actually require you to live apart for awhile before they'll grant you a divorce). This will hopefully give your husband the opportunity to start forming a circle of friends, find activities that he enjoys doing, take some classes so he can better cope with being alone. Then after that point, perhaps he'll be stable enough to handle the divorce. I wish you the best.
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