A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need advice on how to leave my long term, live in boyfriend.This is long, I thank anyone who takes the time to read this. We have been together for a long, long time. I am 29 years old. We have been living together for the past year and a half. He was very resistant to moving in together, he lived in his grandmother's apartment for years for extremely cheap rent. However, the distance between the two of us, and my work, really didnt make sense for us to continue and I gave him an ultimatum: Move in with me or we break up. He "gave in" and moved in. I found an apartment for us, paid the deposit and first and last, did everything made everything has easy as possible for him. I have a much better job than he does so I didnt really mind at the time. For the first roughly 8 months, I paid most of the bills, and bought the majority of the food. I also took him on two vacations (Oregon and Las Vegas) and paid for the majority as well. I didnt mind doing a lot of this, because I enjoy being able to treat the people I love, and I was also in a pretty comfortable position to do so. However, I began to start asking for him to pay at least some of his portion of the bills a few months in. He was extremely dismissive of this, fought with me about it continously but couldn't really back up any of it with a reason WHY he shouldn't pay for some of it. He blames me, saying I made him move and implying that I owe him. He also said that if he pays for his bills, then he will start to yell at me for wasting electricity (I forget to shut off lights, etc)... because he doesn't want to waste his own money. This is all crap, and he's just trying to pin the blame on me and I know it. However, still no resolution, eventually he begrudgingly helps but only after HUGE fights. Additionally, since living together I've discovered he is a control freak. Everything I do is wrong. The way I put dishes away to dry, if I don't close doors after leaving a room (THEY NEED TO BE CLOSED), if I don't wash a dish thoroughly enough, if I forget to put toilet paper on the roll when its empty. If I leave my shoes in the hallway, if I burn the food a little bit, if I forget to wipe the dogs nose every day. I am very forgetful by nature, so I have been an honest effort into doing/changing myself... For example, the toilet paper issue.. I now always make it a point to have spare rolls nearby to avoid this problem. Since changing that one bad habit, he has now taken to yelling if I dont remember to put a new roll on the back of the toilet, even if the the paper hasn't run out yet. Additionally, he rants and raves when I waste food, throw things out, etc. I just now realize, no matter what I do, its never going to be enough. The biggest problem with leaving him though, is that he is an extremely angry person and has a temper. He has never hit me and I dont think he would, but just the fact I have to consider that it might happen is unacceptable to me. Some events this past year have escalated this concern, mostly when he is drunk- which doesn't happen often. One of these fights escalated to the point he was screaming, breaking glasses and dishes, etc etc. At one point he picked up my computer and threw it on the ground. After this I left and stayed at my parent's house for a week. My parent's house and their situation, however, is fairly unlivable for me so I had to come back. I told him he was being abusive and that he was bordering on physical abuse, using his physical actions to threaten me into doing what he wants is a form of abuse, even though he is not HITTING me. He reacted by saying I was being ridiculous and "that it isn't abuse". He literally laughed, and this is a another realization... that he does not even realize how bad he is. I don't think he ever will. This past winter has been EXTREMELY difficult for me, the bills have been higher than they ever have been, my hours were cut at my job, and my car broke down, bought a new car and now THAT car broke down (Blown head gaskets)... I need his help more than ever before, but each time I ask ends up in a huge fight. He eventually gives in but not after screaming and berating me. I honestly know he is just trying to "punish" me and I KNOW its bullshit.At this point, I want out. Badly. The first problem is that if I tell him I am going to leave, he will destroy my belongings, throw a fit, etc. I don't own a whole lot of things. What I do own took months of saving to acquire, and I certainly don't want them destroyed. The second problem is that I have no money, no where to go, my parent's house is unlivable (when I stayed there for a week, my step father screamed at me for being too loud, literally as if I am trading one abuser for another). I have no friends in the area, they all took off and moved to Oregon or Cali. I have been browsing craigslist, but honestly the majority of the postings on there for room-shares are fairly creepy. The third, and probably hardest thing I will have to face, is his family. They LOVE me. They are the closest thing to a "real" family I have ever had. Don't get me wrong, I love my family but they are extremely dysfunctional and distant. I go on yearly vacations with his family, his mother is literally like a best friend to me, along with his sisters and their significant others. I regularily have sleepovers with his Mom. They are also all aware of his "problems" and rally in my support whenever we have issues. I'm aware now, reading other issues people have had, that this sort of friendship is semi rare for a woman to have with his boyfriend's family. I know they would all be crushed if I left. His terrible attitude and abuse also extends to them, too, and I feel that they love me so much because I by default make him better. I do holidays and birthdays with them, everything. My own family has never done this. So, breaking up with him isn't just me losing a boyfriend, but also several best/good friends. I know, though, that he is never going to change and that this isn't the type of relationship I want. I know that he is never going to marry me, and the idea of having kids with him is a nightmare to me and I see myself disapearring into an oblivion of depression if I stay in this relationship. I just don't know HOW to leave. I have no money, no where to go. The only thing I can think of is just saving my money and moving in a few months when I can, but I would just have to do it and not even tell him because he'll destroy my things and freak out. One, I feel incredibly guilty for this. Two, this will take several months to plan and do. He has plans with me to go to weddings, various little trips and I'm honestly so depressed/angered by him that I don't want to do anything with him at all. I dread going home and truly do not want to do anything with him anymore. I also have a very high stress job, so I have no escape and I feel as though I am going to break down. Sometimes I do break down, cry and freak out, and he laughs at me and calls me a psycho. I do this in private or not at all now. So, do I just "fake it"? Is this my only option?Is there a better way?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 April 2014):
 I adored my ex husband's family and they me. We survived the divorce and you too will survive the break up.
Since you asked him to move in with you and you signed the lease and gave the deposits I assume it's in your name and on your credit.
I agree that you just need to tell him. His folks understand his bad behavior (which btw is designed to make you throw him out trust me) and his temper.
just call grandma and ask "can shithead boy move back home" and when grandma says yes you go to him and say
"shithead boy (use his real name) you need to go back to your grandma's for a bit and I'm more than happy to help you get there so NEXT weekend we will pack you up and you can move home to her... we need to work on our issues but we need space first" yes it's a bit of a lie but you need him out first...
get him out.. have the landlord change the locks and if he's not on the lease make sure that they know he's NOT to be given a key or allowed in the apartment.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 April 2014):
 Don't you have any friends or family that you can turn to? You need to get this man OUT of your house this instant. Throw him out because you're the one paying the rent anyway. Call the police and tell them EVERYTHING that you've told us.
Look for women's shelters in the area that you're in.
What about the people at your workplace? No one there that you can trust to help you out?
The other thing that you mentioned is the feeling of guilt. Listen to me OP. There is NO REASON for you to feel guilty. NONE AT ALL. You don't owe this guy anything and you have done enough for him. Guilt is what binds us to the worst of relationships. Get over it. Seriously, that's all I can say. You do not have to feel guilty for leaving the man who has hurt you so much, in so many ways.
As of now, all I can think of is, talk to his family and explain the situation to them. Tell them that its become absolutely unbearable for you and if they care about you in the way that you say they do, they would understand. Speak to them before hand, decide on a date and call them over to your place. Ask your boyfriend to LEAVE in their presence so that at least you have people with you to take calm him down if necessary and not just any people, they're his family, so they know what to do. If things get ugly, call 911. Make sure he understands that its OVER and he cannot get back with you ever again.
Please keep us informed. All the best to you OP, I hope things get better for you soon
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (19 April 2014):
 I understand completely why you want to leave the relationship but I don't understand why you're the one looking to move out? You paid the deposit, is he even on the lease? If not, I'd seriously plan the following: take a day off when he's at work, CHANGE THE LOCKS (sorry for shouting), pack up his things and drop them off at his grandma's. No lengthly explanation needed at this point, just get his stuff out of your home.
If you're worried about immediate reprisal, phone a womens shelter or stay as long as you can bear with your family. Then, explain to his family if you really need to. But your safety and well being becomes way before all of that.
No guilt: you are NOT responsible for him. He has family to take care of him. They know him, let them deal with him and stop trying to be Florence Nightingale.
You sound very isolated and in need of friends. When this drama has run it's course I suggest you join some local groups to make friends. You'd be surprised: if you reach out, you'll find many people in similar circumstances (friends moved away etc). Try meetup.com.
Also, don't dismiss therapy. I believe there's a reason why you're a people pleaser, and you mention your unhealthy family dynamic. These are things to be explored so you don't end up with a similar guy in the future.
Very best of luck it you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): Get the police involved. You have to leave! Staying will be worse... And perhaps you will maintain a relationship with his family after a whole. They seem to understand your situation!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): You are going to have to take a chance and breakup with him.
You contact the police when you feel your life and property are in danger. You don't just sit it out in fear.
You will need to find a shelter or local organization in your town for battered and abused women; to get advice on how to handle potential domestic violence.
There should be counselors and a 24-hour hotline available that you can call during crisis. This will protect you, and allow you someplace you can go; if things do get out of hand. I don't normally recommend bringing family into domestic issues; but you may need someone from his family to mediate when you tell him you intend to leave.
You obviously can't leave unless you have someplace to go. You may have to put your things in storage first. Move all things of value out first.
You have virtually boxed yourself in, so you will have to have a plan A,B,and C. Think it out, make your plan. Then execute it.
Don't create fears that may never manifest, that will not allow you to do anything. If he breaks anything, they are replaceable. You can file a civil suit or small claims for replacement of property. If he lays a hand on you, you'll simply have to file assault charges. You should immediately warn him that you will call the police if you feel the least bit threaten. Have 911 on speed-dial. Make that very clear to him. It's not a threat, it should be exactly what you will do.
You can give him the option to move back in with his grandmother; but you have to end the relationship.
If the lease is in your name and you paid the deposit; you will get this money back. Provided you do not break your lease, and he does not damage the property. Take pictures of everything you own. Keep them filed away with a date visible to show their condition and time the picture was taken. Keep record of any thing said in threat of your person or property. Date and time.
Trying to get him evicted is tricky. That would be up to your landlord, and that may not be a good idea. The landlord would evict both of you. As far as I know, there are few laws that allow people to evict roommates; but you can check with your local police department to see about filing a restraining order. Do your research and get all your ducks in a row.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): You sound like a very intelligent young woman and able to figure out a lot of what is going on so far. But you also sound very much as if you have certain 'blind spots' where you need help to understand the pattern that you've fallen into. For this to happen you need an objective distance from the situation itself and you need help from a counsellor. If you cannot immediately get any of these things then the very first thing that I would suggest you do is buy a copy of Co-Dependency for Dummies. You are co-dependent and the sooner that you educate yourself about what this is, the better. Co-dependency was originally a term used to describe people who were carers of addicts - drug addicts or alcoholics - but is now a term used for anyone who is basically addicted to another person, lives their life 'caring' for that person and shaping their behaviour to totally suit that person's needs and has such a high sense of responsibility for doing so that they don't see it's not healthy for either of them.Usually co-dependent behaviour begins in childhood and in dysfunctional families, often when the child is exposed to the changeable or unreliable behaviour of a parent or step-parent. The child very early on feels a responsibility to 'stabilise' all situations and suppresses their own needs in order to do so. This is actually the child's way of controlling the situation and, in adult-hood it emerges as extremes of care towards another - far more than most people would go to. The person that you care for doesn't necessarily have to be an addict, but they will usually be unstable in some way or have simply not matured enough to stand on their own two feet. 99.9% of the time the person you are caring for will be very, very similar to one of the parent figures that you grew up with - even if there is a difference in their gender. So, for example, I could be co-dependent on my boyfriend, but at an unconscious level it could be my mother's behaviour that his behaviour reminds me of without me realising.The 'love' that his family have for you may feel like love but it isn't. What's happening here is what tends to always happen when you are in a co-dependent relationship - the unstable or immature partner will be that way because their own family have not provided them with the right role models and disciplines and love that they needed to become a complete person but no one will acknowledge this usually. Instead, the family can show great concern for the unstable person and will show no hesitation AT ALL in welcoming into the family ANYONE who can take on the responsibilities that they themselves have not been able to. It will feel like love but actually they are passing you this MASSIVE responsibility to continue with the parenting and care that they themselves have failed in. Even if they seem like nice, loving and caring people they will NOT have been able to be good role models for your partner - trust me on this one please, it really is true.It does seem very clear that you have been drawn to caring for your partner because his behaviour is, or threatens to be, very similar to your stepfather's. You fear both men and this fear is what has a hold on you. You will have gone to enormous efforts to care for your partner but - and this may be difficult to accept - this is actually your way of controlling the situation to try to minimise the possibility of him hurting you with the reality of who he really is. The things that you provide for him are your way of trying to make him into a nicer, more grown up and stable person. You are trying to make him love you in a way that your step father never did and, it would seem, in ways that your mother or your father were unable to. There is a LOT of control that goes on between people in the form of 'care'. I'm not suggesting for one minute that you consciously tried to control him. What I'm saying is that, at an unconscious level, your child self is still trying to 'earn' love and the way that you learned to do this was through very subtle forms of control that seem acceptable to others because they are packaged as care and nurturing. It is very common for female co-dependents to fall into over-nurturing roles because women are, typically, conditioned from birth to care for others.Without going into it I was in a very, very similar situation to you but it lasted for eighteen years. I could not see what was happening. I was terrified of leaving too. When I learned what co-dependency really is - rather than just thinking that it means people who, over time, have come to depend on one another - it was like 100 light bulbs going on in my head. Everything clicked into place. Reading your post I honestly believe that your situation is one of co-dependency and that you need help with it, not just with this person but because it will happen again and keep repeating until you understand your own behaviour. Please don't be scared to look into this - the quality of your life will, after you understand it all, improve enormously - it honestly will, you will become much, much more aware and enriched as a person than you are now but you will have to do some work to understand and make changes to your behaviour.As to the practicalities - yes, co-dependents usually end up with no friends to turn to and often this will seem coincidental but in fact it's due to isolating and not reaching out to people in normal ways. If you've nothing really to keep you there then can you get another job in a totally different region and consider starting all over again? A fresh start? You're still young but just mature enough to take on such a challenge and to cope - the timing in a way is perfect, although I understand it will be very painful. In a way it would be easier to do this because you could arrange for all your stuff to be taken away whilst he was out for the day and then just go - just take flight. Do research before you make the move - if you are in a good job now then can you transfer or can you get a similar job elsewhere? Please consider giving yourself this chance to start afresh and please really consider everything that I've said - I've honestly been there and can relate very strongly to what you are going through. If you do go to a counsellor be sure to go through your doctor, you need a professional.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): I was in a very similar situation as yours, only I was married to him, and we have a child together. I knew he would never leave. I knew he would never let me leave, especially with his son. I was depressed, hated going home, dreaded Fridays when everyone else was "TGIF!!!" Nothing I did was right or good enough, many of the exact same things you noted. I planned an escape, figuring the only way I could get out was to not come home one day and disappear. I gathered dishes, clothes, and all sorts of supplies to store them at my office and wait for the right time. That time never came. I could never figure how to leave my good job and contact with my family to disappear like that. It really wasn't realistic. Finally one day, he put his hands on me. Upon arriving home from my SECOND job (while he had NO job), he shoved me across the kitchen, threatened me, and threw me on the floor to choke me. My son and I ended up literally fleeing from the house to a neighbor's to call the police. He went to jail and eventually prison, and I finally got a divorce. That was 4 years ago, and the man is still psycho, thinks he wants me back, etc. I am SO happy without him. If there's any way at all, get him to leave. He didn't want to move in together in the first place, so maybe he'll go back to Grandma's house. I understand your situation and feeling like there's no solution. I was close to his family, as well, and now no longer have the daughter I once had (his daughter from a previous relationship). That's hard on me to this day, but worth MY overall happiness and well being. I truly hope you can find a way out of this horrible mess.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): There doesn't seem to be an easy answer...It reminds me of the Simon & Garfunfukul song,"Fifty ways to leave your lover". No matter what you do you need to remember next time you Can NOT set up a nice little nest and expect the new "bird" to just love being put in it. I think you rushed lover boy into something he was way too not ready for. He needed to finish growing up with grandma before jumping into a full-blown ADULT situation. Good Luck, might want to have a cop on hand when you move out.
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