A
female
age
36-40,
*b6117
writes:I'm not sure how to start with this question.... I don't know where to really go, or what to do.When I was 18 I dated a man who was horrible to me. I ended up getting pregnant, and had a miscarriage three months later. When I found out I was pregnant this man left me... So I was alone through out the entire pregnancy. A week after I lost the baby I went back to work, and I met up with an old friend, and that old friend is now my husband. We dated for a year and a half before getting engaged, and we've been married now for roughly 7 months.The thing is... I'm falling out of love with him. Well, see, I don't even know if that's what it would be. I'm not happy with the relationship. Our issues for our futures change constantly. We can't decide on anything together. Our fights are horrible....I scream at the top of my lungs at him and visa versa. He's never hit me, but he's pushed me. I've done the same to him.I've recently begun working on myself and my appearance. I've gained a lot more confidence from the heart break that the first guy gave me... And I'm realizing I settled for my husband. I'm not saying he's a horrible guy. He's wonderful, loving, and everything... But... I can't see myself making love to him any more or even wanting a family with him. I feel trapped on what to do... I don't want to break his heart. I feel like I am. I know he can sense that we are having a lot of marital communication problems and everything. When I try talking to him, he gets sad, and mad, and starts to cry and I feel horrible... so I give in, tell him I love him, and tell him it's just been a down day for me...Help. I want to leave him. But I don't want to break his heart. I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): you feel sick in the stomach because you did not expect people to read you like a book. you hoodwinked us and was caught out.
loving your hb, when you cannot even love yourself? you do nto know the meaning of the word. lets hope you have learnt from your "mistake". but you know it was not a mistake, you deliberately and knowingly has sex with the dear friend and was not even considering the consequences.
we called the situation as we saw it. plse read your 1st posting and subsequent ones regarding your hb. there are so many inconsistencies. you know you will stray again, your 1st entry indicate that you were finished with your hb. "can't see myself making love to him any more or even wanting a family with him." What love for him when you can't even stand to be touched by him. you are using this man for your own selfish needs. you have betrayed him and yet he has been decent to you. i think he's the only decent thing in your life right now. this is so sad. he deserves better than the shit you have been dishing to him. if you want to do the right thing, then start by releasing him so that he can actually start a decent life with someone else.
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (15 May 2009):
 I wish you had as much guts to be honest with your husband as you had to post your response.Young lady, you still just don't get it.That is blatantly obvious. Please do me a favor and re-read what you just wrote as a response. Do you believe any of what you are saying?And of course you should feel sick to your stomach. You cannot even hope to have a chance to have any meainingful relationship without honesty. Enough of this justification of being lost and confused. You are not even being honest with yourself, let alone us. One thing I do know is that when I give advice I do it honestly. especially here. People's hearts are nothing to fool with, and I would venture a guess had there not been an omission of the facts(your actions), that we most likely would have responded to you very differently. I don't like to feel like I was hoodwinked by someone who was looking to get a green light to cheat. That's how I feel in your case. I did'nt originally, but your timeline says otherwise. Originally, I was empathetic to your plight. I even mentioned that since you didn't mention counseling, that you should be honest and end it.When I post I give advice as I see it. People can take it or leave it, for it is simply from my life experience I draw upon . I think we all tried to provide you with honest and sage advice. Whether you take it is entirely up to you.But to leave that huge part out...It's called Trickle Down Truth, made me question every single response Ive ever given on this forum.What Im trying to say is that the goal here is to provide advice that you may have benefited from. And I just find it incredulous that in your update and response again, you seem to not compute anything but a flirtation with remorse.I had an experience similar in a way like your husband some 20+ years ago. Luckily I caught my fiance in the act, and thus spared myself the pain that would have ensued if I had married her. That pain of betrayal sticks with you. But I would have been much less pained in the long run had my fiance called everything off beforehand.And as much as Id like to say it doesn't still hurt, there is not a day that goes by 22 years later that I don't think about it, and how for so many years I was unable to trust any woman, only to find THE ONE...and have it happen to me again.Be that as it may, you have now turned a corner that you can't return from. And your words simply sound hollow. You can't possibly love your husband and cheat on him. It is insane to think otherwise. And coming back to say that you want to fix the marriage and that you love him is just another level of delusion.If you loved him, you would tell him,. and let him make his own choice. It's that simple. Actions speak much louder than words, and your actions say that you don't love your husband.I'll end by saying that I am afraid that you are on a tightrope with no net below you, and you have already fallen. You are simply waiting for the ground to catch up to you as your marriage goes, SPLAT!
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A
female
reader, mb6117 +, writes (15 May 2009):
mb6117 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks...i guess for all the imput...I know I fucked up. I'm not saying that I didn't...I just...I don't know. He's not a horrible person, I never said he was. I feel sick to my stomach to what was put on here...I think what I did was wrong, yes, absolutely. And I know he didn't deserve it, I never thought he did deserve it.
Yes I am lost and confused right now...
I do want to fix the marriage between him and I...I think it is fixable...I do love him...I strayed. I was an idiot. I'm unsure about a lot of things...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): GrimmReality , full marks again for disecting this problematic situation.
yes, the poor hubby will be blamed for the so called destruction of his marriage - what marriage, by the way???
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (13 May 2009):
Folks, this poster's response, and my subsequent one made me have to return here to make a couple more points.
So if I can, I want to disect this, as I cant fathom such cruelty in the face of justification.
You stated that you cheated on your man a couple of weekends ago. That would have made it the weekend you posted. Either you had already cheated before you wrote the original post, or you are so cold hearted that you posted the original with every intention of cheating.
So then in your update you mention that
" I'm tryiing to fall back in love with him. I'll never cheat again. It was a stupid, one time thing. I do love my husband, but I don't know if we're right for eachother. For his sake I feel like we need to continue with the couples counseling."
ARE YOU TRULY THIS CLUELESS, OR THIS COLD HEARTED?
You will cheat again...that is a foregone conclusion. It is not a one time thing. For you to just say it causally I am not so sure you haven't been cheating on him the whole time.
Mistakes are sudden lane changes. This was a conscious, selfish decision on your part.
Then you have the audacity to suggest that:
"For his sake I feel like we need to continue with the couples counseling."
For what reason? so you can sucker some therapist into blaming your husband, thus aiding your delusional thought process? It is clear that you came here seeking justification for your despicable actions.
And you have been only married 7 months?
You amaze me. You treat the institution of marriage with such contempt it is barely fathomable.
so answer me this...since you are now (stock answer for someone who seriously screwed their life up) lost and under the impression that the good friend you cheated with (I'm sure he is a good friend of your husband's too) does not want a realtionship with you...
And now you are lost and confused....
What the hell did you think you were going to achieve by cheating?
What end did it serve other than you wanting to get boned by someone else than your husband?
NONE!
So to think that you want to continue counseling for your husbands sake is as bad as a Nazi who "just followed orders". It is sadistic and cruel.
I hope your husband finds out. Hopefully you were smart enough(debatable) to use protection so in case you have the opportunity to hoodwink this poor man again that you arent diseased too.
I hope he sees a lawyer as soon as possible to make to get as much of the finances for himself. Cancels all joint bank accounts and credit cards.
Lady if you cant be trusted with your vagina, you sure as hell cant be trusted with HIS money!
So what are you gonna tell your in-laws? Your Parents? Your friends? Cuz sooner or later they will find out with you or without you. And as for this guy you boned....
Lets fast forward some time...you know, after you get together with this guy, and your husband is but a memory as he tries to glue back the shards of his life.
Think one night when this guy is staring at the ceiling, and you ask your new man.....
"what's wrong honey?"
he will respond..."Oh nothing is wrong".
All the while, he will be thinking.
If she cheated with me...who's to say she wont cheat on ME?
The fallout is gonna be epic...but Im sure your ego will only be fed by the knowledge that you deserve an academy award for writing, directing, and starring in this devastating script.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): Don't drag it on. The sooner you tell him how you feel the better. It may be hard to start with but you must do what is right and tell him. Hopefully you will still be able to be sivilized with him but its important that you get out this relationship. You need to be with someone you love and who you are happywith. It is not fair on him if you be with him when you don't want to. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): well, let me get this straight- you posted here then went out and f*cked a good friend of yours. you still claim to love your hb? what is wrong with you? yes, counselling is needed, but only for you. you have major, major issues. if yourhb knows what is good for him he will run away as far as he could from you. you have very destructive behaviour, everything you touch you turn to sh1t, you need to change your destructive behaviour because it will consume you. you are on a collision course and you have only yourself to blame. your poor hb, what has he got himself into with you. does he even know the real you?
all this sh1t about being married too young. Grimmreality got it spot on "You felt horrible about it as you spread your legs for another man." please do not waste our or your hb's time.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (13 May 2009):
UNBELIEVEABLE!
After everything we said about honesty, you selfishly went over the line. And now you are not going to tell him.
OWN WHAT YOU DID AND TELL HIM! HAVE SOME GUTS!
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Counseling....What a joke!
You are living a lie. You felt horrible about it as you spread your legs for another man.
Good Job!!!
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A
female
reader, mb6117 +, writes (13 May 2009):
mb6117 is verified as being by the original poster of the question***Update***
Well...It's actually gotten a little worse. I did the unthinkable and cheated on him a few weekends ago. I felt horrible about it. I'm not telling him, I don't know if I should
We've begun couples counseling.
He tells me that I look at him coldly now and I know it's breaking his heart. I cry every night because I know I'm just hurting him. I'm tryiing to fall back in love with him. I'll never cheat again. It was a stupid, one time thing. I do love my husband, but I don't know if we're right for eachother. For his sake I feel like we need to continue with the couples counseling.
The other guy is a dear friend of mine that I'm constantly thinking about. I know no relationships really last with the ones you cheat with...And I'm fairly certain he doesn't want a relationship with me. But we're very good friends and I don't know...I'm very confused and lost...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): You will break his heart any which way you turn, so do it sooner rather than later. in this way yes he will hurt a while, then meet the great love of his life a few years on. in that way he too will stand a chance at true happiness. you owe him that much at least.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (3 May 2009):
Well you have decided that you want to leave him, but you dont want to break his heart.Time to be honest here.Since you never mentioned marriage counseling, I take it that it is irreparable. Please be honest with him. Everyone deserves HONESTY.When you say you dont want to break his heart, you are going to either way. So be honest with him and end it. You havent invested an enormous amount of time in the marriage, so if you plan on leaving, just bite the bullet and do it. It is not fair to EITHER of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): I have a feeling this can be fixed.
You shout at him so he shouts at you, so you shout at him a little bit louder so he shouts back a little bit louder too - ad infinitum - until you both get hoarse through shouting at each other. Once you've lost your voices you push him so he pushes you etc. etc. etc.
Control your anger, and talk rather than shouting and the chances are he'll do the same. If he raises his voice tell him there's no need to shout - you're not deaf.
You don't want to make love to him because you're angry that he shouts at you because you've shgouted at him. It's a vicious circle and it'll get worse until you break that circle.
Communication can be achieved without shouting. Try to co-habit in peace. Once you start to talk rationally with each other the temperature will be lowered and you'll start to see the good in each other once more.
Of course, if my suggestion doesn't work maybe you're just not suited to one another and divorce might be the only answer. I'd urge you to lower the temperature first though and see if there's a positive result from that before heading for the divorce courts.
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