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female
,
anonymous
writes: I've got a bit of a problem...I've been married for 12 years and I truely think that I married for the wrong reasons. Our marriage has had it's ups and downs. Don't get me wrong, he is a good man - but has had some problems with his anger in the past. I'm not sure if I was ever in love with him, although in the beginning I know that I felt something.... but now, I just don't love him anymore. I have left him 2 different times and have filed for divorce (because of the way he treated me). He was so pitiful the way he begged me that I felt sorry for him and came back both times. I'm contimplating leaving again. He's not been physically abusive or anything (if anything maybe verbally) and I just don't know how to do it. I want to make sure that when I leave again that it's for good.... but it also scares the hell o ut of me... I mean, we've been together for so long... I'm not sure how to get back into the "game", how to be a single mom, or how to pay the bills for my son and me. We have a 10 year old child that has been affected by our arguments and I do not want to subject him to that any longer. I know that if I tell him that I want to leave, that he'll do something to make me feel guily or he will even blackmail me into staying.... would it be so bad to try pushing him away?? I mean, it sounds so cruel, but if I made him mad enough, would he just leave me? His former fiance just contacted him... supposedly she's happily married, but I have not had an issue with her contacing him... and he hasn't bother hiding it from me.... maybe he's trying to make me jealous... but it's not working... because I just don't care and I wish they would get back together. I hate that I feel this way.... but I just don't know what else to do. Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me??
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (19 May 2006):
 Right the main concentration this time is your 10 year old son so focus on him. He is the one who is suffering here so do it for him and get strong by thinking of him.
OK so 12 years is not 5 minutes but I separated from my long term partner last June after 19 and a half years so there is definitely life after a long term relationship believe me. Just don't rush into anything new is my advice.
Start to make yourself strong mentally and get prepared. If you have a house together then there is entitlement for you and your son to stay in the house as it is not a 50/50 split as your son is involved so it is 2 thirds to you and a third to your husband. You need to get some legal advice which you have probably gone through before but get yourself up to date advice now. Either CAB or 1 hour free with a solicitor. Do you work? If you need help with legal fees it all depends on your wages etc.
The crunch came for me when my ex shouted at my then 3 year old when we were out on an odd family day outing and it took 10 months for him to move and find somewhere locally. We still work together every day as we have a business together and we are extremely amicable for the sake of our daughter. This was harder for me as I did discover he had an affair for 2 and a half years but after 10 months of counselling I was able to become much stronger and work past all of that. I haven't forgotten it, don't get me wrong but staying pleasant and working together each day is much better for our daughter to see.
You don't want your son affected for the rest of his life by witnessing or hearing the arguments and my daughter is much better now and much more settled since her father moved out. She spends alternate weekends with him and always wants me even a year on but perseverance is the key here and the relationship they have built up is much better than before.
Don't just let things slide and hope that he leaves, the whole time this carries on your son is suffering and so are you.
You are a woman who has a hell of a lot to give to a new man and to yourself so think about you for a change.
A happy woman makes a happy mum and we all want that for our children don't we?
I have stayed single for the last year as I wanted to find me again and do all the things that I couldn't do when I was in a relationship so even going shopping or getting my nails done or going for a swim or having the remote control meant so much to me and continue to do so.
There are plenty of single men out there and you can go via an internet dating site but just be wary, there are unscrupulous people out there and so I have given that all a break while I try to help others on this site instead.
You could take up a hobbie or go salsa dancing or something, I am still trying to find a local club to me so you can dance with a man and no strings attached and have a whale of a time as well.
Plan each day bit by bit and get yourself prepared that's all right now. Stay focused and positive and don't let the words affect you. But getting yourself organised first and when everything is in place then tell your hubby that you want a divorce and by then it will all be too late to change your mind.
Don't retract the divorce papers this time, obviously nothing has changed since the other times and it won't because you don't love him so think about your son and stay strong.
Any time you want a chat we are all here for you.
Keep me posted eh!
BFN
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