A
male
age
,
*ackwards
writes:Hi there. I am a 47 year old gay man in a gay relationship for the past 17 years. Ever since I was young I knew I was gay and built my life around being gay. However in recent years I found myself being attracted to the opposite sex and to follow this through decided to try a sexual encounter. At first it was as once off, then another and then another and before long I found myself looking forward to the sexual adventures with the opposite sex. In the past 9 months, a female neighbor (same age) and I have clicked. We not only do we enjoy each others company on the plutonic level, but we found we have the same outlook on life. We have used each other shoulders to cry on. This has lead to sexual activity to which we both thoroughly enjoy. She is married but the marriage has been over for years and accordingly have been having affairs for years anyway. She was searching for "Mr Right" and it turns out that Mr Right is me, her search is over.My partnership with my man is on a friendship level these days. Since we both wake each other up during the night, we decided to sleep in separate bedrooms, and from that no sexual relationship has ocurred. Before this, (my idea to sleep in separate rooms because it was easier to), I found it difficult to initiate sex as its always been me doing the doing. For 16 years he never approached me and never liked doing the things I like being done. It seemed, from me, a one way street. Sure it's nice to have the sex, but not when I am not made to feel like I am wanted in this way. I was the active member and he always being the passive. We get along really well but I'm unsure about that love aspect. I feel so distant these days with him and think about her instead. I want to leave for all the wrong reasons. (love, sex, fun, excitement, companionship) But they are the right reasons too. (Relationship strained, no sex, lost enjoyment out of anything, don't do anything together, fight a lot -mostly me going off) But I feel I cannot leave because I would create pain for my partner and I could not live with myself if I did that. He has helped me so much, made me stronger, confident, but our flame seems to be going out. I often wonder is that because of me. I want to love him more, but find it difficult. I try to be emotional, but he won't respond. And in short I am giving up. I live here, i do the things I do. I care for him, do things for him but my heart does not seem to be there. And I am sure it's because there is no comeback. No response that I would like. Have i talked to him? of course, and the outcome? does things differently for a few days then goes back to normal.Recently my neighbor has asked for a divorce from her husband and started looking on line for life partners. And why, because she accepts she can't have me. because she knows I am committed (if that word could be used here) to my relationship that seems to be dying week after week and won't leave. But she and I are still good friends but because she loves me making love to her and I do too, we do that. I don't want to, but as I'm not getting any from my partner, I am hungry for it. But now she has met this guy she is really keen on, had sex with him within a few days of meeting up and now he seems to have moved in, well always around at her place. She still insists to come to see me and we always end up in bed. She said a few weeks ago that I had made my choice (by not picking her) but still sees me, still says she loves me and if I left she would follow me. I can't have sex with my partner, I have lost that connection. Every time I think I should I get this stupid "but he hasn't approached me" in my head. I want to leave, but can't bring myself to face that to cause pain. nor can I afford to go out on my own now because we combine everything. Our home is us. I am really really confused, angry, hurt and without any reason just cry, the tears come easily. My "friend" rings me up and tells me what "they" are doing, but talking to me seems strained or getting that way. I sense she is not as free with conversation because the new man is there, listening. I love her, I miss her, but I love him too and would miss him dearly. But when she comes around, she sits close and touches me softly, things I like, talks to me, strokes my ego with words that mean something, she asks my opinion on what to do with these men she meets, how to react or what to say to them, but we always end up kissing passionately and having sex.I am drawn to her because we click, I am drawn to him because we have been together so long and have done so much, but the connection is fading. She has now started looking and found some one else and I beat myself up and have absolutely no idea on what to do. Sometimes I think I'll just leave and not tell either of them where I'm going, because you know, living on my own just might be simpler.Does anyone have any advice about this. Or at the very least a starting point for me. I am driving myself to depression and that can go very deep. Am I living a lie with my gay partner (as she puts it) because I love sex with women? do I leave him for her? or stay with him and close it with her? If I stay with him I know it's not going to improve sexually, I have tried so many years to talk it over. I don't want to hurt either of them. I feel so confused about myself let alone the relationships.....
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2010): Thanks every one for your replies. So much common sense there that one fails to see when they are in it themselves. Some of you are right, that I am perhaps being selfish. As to feeling sorry for myself, well perhaps you are also right there too. I usually am not this type of person, selfish or self pitying but as I get older I seem to be (as one person said) awakening to the me inside. It was just a "let's have some fun" and we all know where that can lead to and has. She fell in love with me because I gave her hope and made her realize she is better than she thought she was and over time I fell in love with her because she made me feel just as good, something my partner never made me feel. But before I get slammed for that too, I realize that after reading your replies that perhaps it is me blocking it out, not seeing the love because I have whatever happening in my head. I read your replies less than an hour ago and you all have put some wonderful clear thoughts into my head. Yeah, some were cruel but to the point replies, and sometimes that is needed, but not here and now. I really don't need to be berated, I know what is happening is wrong, but when caught in the emotions of life, it is hard to just turn it off. From all your words there is a common theme an so I shall heed to this. I'm going to look at my options. I cannot turn back the clock, I can only go forward and hopefully my decisions will be the right one for all involved. Thanks again.
A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (27 September 2010):
 Would you rather stay in an unhappy relationship, effectively cheating on your parnter over and over again with your neighbour? I mean, he would probably be more upset to find out that you were cheating.
If you really love your partner, you should set him free. It's not working out for you, why let him live in a lie? Be honest with him, yes it'll probably hurt him, but in the long run he'll respect you so much more for coming clean.
It must be hard to hear, but your relationship isn't working out.....is it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2010): You need to leave him and let him find someone who actually loves him and wants to be with him...
You think leaving him would hurt him more than screwing around with people behind his back and falling in love with others while he sits at home? Get real. You're just being selfish. You can't have everything, so choose. Just because he's not giving you something you want doesn't mean you have the right to go get it somewhere else. That is not what relationships are about.
And you sound bisexual, not gay. It is okay to be attracted to both genders, and to have preference. The only lie you are living is your devotion to your partner... Because having sexual exploits is not being "devoted".
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A
female
reader, DenimandLace44  +, writes (27 September 2010):
 The third option is to leave for all of the right reasons. You need to leave and figure out what it is you want. I'm not so sure that this woman is in love with you, I really doubt it, but I do think she has awakened in you things that you will never be able to put back into the box. And that being the case, you will not be happy living with your partner any longer. You will resent him more the longer you stay.
Find a cheap option (apartment or small house) and figure out a way you can make it on your own income.
It will be painful, just as any separation is. Someone is always hurt. But it sounds like you two have become more of a habit than a couple.
After you spend some time alone, then you can feel free-er to explore your sexuality and find your way. :)
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 September 2010):
 Am sorry but am hear to be honest with you so thats what i am going to do, you say you dont want to hurt your partner? yet you are cheating on him and decieving him and lying to him this is all wrong, let him go, let him have a chance to meet someone that will respect him and not do this to him, you have to let him go. As for this women, its up to you were you want to go with that, but she also has a partner and sleeping with you so she is just as bad as you, if you honestly think you and her could be happy together then go for it, but if not leave and make a fresh start you need to learn from your mistakes and pick up the pieces of what you have done, if you wanted to experiment with women the right thing to have done hear would have been to break up with your partner, i think you have acted selfishly and it seems you are feeling sorry for yourself when the victim in this is your partner, so just be honest with him, he deserves at least that from you. tell him the truth and tell him what you have done, you have to live with the concequences that you hurt him by cheatin on him.
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