A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I was with this guy for seven years, we have been split up for one year exactly. During that seven years I lost myself completely - he was abusive, controlling, manipulative, obsessive...you get the picture. If I went to the store that normally only takes 25 minutes, and it took me 30 instead there was hell to pay! He always called me a whore and said I was constantly having sex with other guys - when I never once cheated on him, during all that time, in fact I lost my virginity to him so I never slept with anyone else ever! Still haven't. We have kids together so he is still in my life, he still tries to control me, although not near as bad as it was. He has had girlfriends and such since then and every time they break up he calls me and asks if he can "come home." Or if we can "work it out" Although I have gained more self confidence than I had this time last year - it's still not all back. I say "yes" - even though every ounce of my heart, soul, and body, screams NO! I am too afraid to turn him down. Thankfully, he hasn't "come home." I want to move on with my life, but am afraid. I recently started texting a guy - just harmless flirting, but it's still too scary. I delete all my texts I always clear my history on my computer, emails, networking sites, etc.. just because I fear one day he will come banging on my door unexpectedly and want things to be how they used to be. It's not like I can just up and go. I have children which are his, I have a great job that I don't want to leave - but I do not want to live this way! I deserve to know what it's like to feel safe in my own home.
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confidence, flirt, lost my virginity, move on, split up, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): This must be so hard for you and it is such a complicated and delicate subject for anyone looking in to judge, but don't let him back in your house!
I understand how scared you are as I have suffered abuse and it made me scared to come home at night! You have split up which is great but you need to think about yourself. He obviously made your life miserable and still is doing so, so next time he comes crawling back, say no! If he comes round being abusive, phone the police or get someone to come round who you feel safe with.
It is great that you are texting a new man why don't you arrange to go for a drink? Doing so will probably help build up your confidence again and will show your ex that you have moved on!
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (11 January 2010):
 Have you sought help to deal with the abuse? This might be to big an issue to solve yourself.
And there is always the risk that you fall into the same trap again. People who have been in abusive relationships often were in it for a reason. Common cause is a bad childhood in which they were exposed to abusive relationships between their parents and have grown up to see that as the norm.
Seek out help to help you deal with your past and make a brighter future.
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