A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My sister Brooke (not her real name) Skyped me the other day saying she's feeling depressed after her husband told her he was gay and had only married her to get into the U.S. from Australia.But this isn't one of those "He's only just realized he was gay and needs support" -type things, he'd actually fooled her that he was a straight guy (in BOTH senses of the word) and we as a family all thought he was a really good guy.Now he wants to bring his boyfriend John over from Australia via chain migration.Brooke told me that he'd admitted, 8 years after marriage (they met in 2010 when he was a tourist in California, were married by winter 2013, took a lot of work to prove it wasn't a green card marriage) that he was really a gay man who had a boyfriend and hid his camp gay behavior and pretended to be a macho straight guy so he could become American and he apparently kept his Australian citizenship.Brooke has a 4-year-old daughter, Jenny, with this guy.I really thought he was a good guy for her, now feel fooled and Brooke feels betrayed, angry and stressed.My sister told me she wants help from me and my partner, but me and my girlfriend have no idea how to help her and we can't relate (since we ARE a gay couple).Apparently Brooke told me he claimed he'd be persecuted for being gay in his home country and that the city of Adelaide is awful for LGBT people.But this sounds nonsensical doesn't it? I thought Australia was good for LGBT rights.I'm worried for my sister being a single mom, she admitted "I probably can't handle being a single mom, you heard about that new show Maid on Netflix?"She's planning to divorce him, but when the reality hits for him in two ways of child support etc. and him probably banned from getting his boyfriend to move here.It's not like Brooke married her husband KNOWING he was gay for a green card marriage, she really thought she loved him and he'd be the future father of her children (well.. he is now).I'm in Florida, Brooke's in California and COVID's meant we can't see each other as much as we'd like.Now Brooke keeps telling me how foolish she felt and she didn't know until he told her 2 days ago.They're now barely speaking to one another.She keeps wanting help from me, but how can I help her?I want to help her but don't know how to beyond offering cliched words of advice, since I can't relate to this.I really love her, she's like my closest friend, we've always been that close, and I feel sorry for her over this.How would you deal with my situation?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 October 2021):
 Ask her what you CAN do to help.
Platitudes are useless. Nice, but useless.
I can not imagine her pain here, I'm sure you can't either.
What does she want to do? I'd suggest talking to her about making a plan and then following through. #1 would be contacting a lawyer. ASAP.
While I get that she still has feelings for him (or the man she THOUGHT he was) - he isn't who she thought he was. He is THIS guy. A guy who took her for a fool. Even made a baby with her to keep up appearances and visa status. I can't imagine anything that reprehensible. And it has nothing to do with his sexual orientation. It has all to do with his words and actions. Couldn't he JUSt have divorced her and then come out as gay? Bi? Whatever? No, he had to let her know it was all a scam. For total humiliation!
Maybe she needs to look into relocating AFTER the divorce. If she can get full custody. So she can be closer to family.
You need to TALK to her, not just feel sorry or pity. Think first, what CAN I do? Can I offer up my home? Yes/No? Can I fly out and help, perhaps? Yes/ No? Can I just listen to her and let her vent? Yes/No? What would I do if I was in her situation? Help her make a plan? Etc. Etc.
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