A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im hoping for some advice on wether this is right. I have had a substantial windfall. We have kept it very quiet and only close family know about it, but now that we have bought everything we need house, car ect we want to help our loved ones but there one person i want to help in particular and thats my ex's mother. She is a remarkable woman and was always so good to me. Her sons lived off her good nature while at home even though my ex worked he paied her no rent, ate her out of house and home and she sometimes struggled to pay bills. She has devoted her life to hard work and her family, struggling all the way and is now in her 70's and is still paying her house off so She is still working even though i know she doesnt want to because of arthritis and i want to give her money so that she can retire. My ex and i have had no contact for a long time as there has been no need, we'v both married else where, my husband is encouraging me to do this as he understands that i genuinly care about this woman. I think i should do it anon as im worried that it may make my ex, his wife and therefor his mother feel awquad. I dont know how to go about doing this or if it is the right thing to do when it may cause these feelings. Its not an act of charity just love.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): Thanks for the advice it has helped me decide what to do I think i will go and talk to her so it will allow her to make her own mind up. Im very aware that she may want to share anything that i give her which to be honest i have no problem with because once i hand over a check the money will be hers and i wouldnt know if she had shared it or not. Im pretty sure that she is living a little better since my ex moved out, but i know that she had to remortgage her house when her husband passed away 20 years ago due to financial situations at the time and she is still paying that now, thats why she is still working as a school dinner lady. I doubt my ex helps her at all. Hes not a bad person but could be selfish at times and was uncaring about the fact that his mother paid for everything whilst he was there so i doubt thats changed now he has married and moved away.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2012): Thanks for the advice it has helped me decide what to do I think i will go and talk to her so it will allow her to make her own mind up. Im very aware that she may want to share anything that i give her which to be honest i have no problem with because once i hand over a check the money will be hers and i wouldnt know if she had shared it or not. Im pretty sure that she is living a little better since my ex moved out, but i know that she had to remortgage her house when her husband passed away 20 years ago due to financial situations at the time and she is still paying that now, thats why she is still working as a school dinner lady. I doubt my ex helps her at all. Hes not a bad person but could be selfish at times and was uncaring about the fact that his mother paid for everything whilst he was there so i doubt thats changed now he has married and moved away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2012): I'd go visit her with a check, I had a similar situation but the guy is my closest friend. I just called up to his parents house with a check in a thank you card with a little message. Let them read the message and say nothing, maybe start your message like this "Its not an act of charity just love." I grew up with him as my best friend and basically lived at his house I spent so often there, so gave them a nice little nest egg they used to do up their house.
One thing I will say though OP it sounds to me like it's her nature to give everything to her kids. Just understand and accept that most if not all of it may end up in your ex's hands. In that sense maybe the best idea would be to go to her and have a long talk, then offer to pay off her mortgage directly. Ensure that the money is used for what you would like to do. Then again as a gift if she asks for cash then you can't really refuse or it would defeat the purpose.
The thing is OP, you haven't been in contact with this guy in ages, maybe he and his wife are going through some hard times financially and she'll give them the cash, maybe she may ask you to give it to them instead, maybe give them the house or something.
Regardless, it's a nice thing you're doing, so just call up to her and talk to her. Screw awkwardness, you have no contact with them anyway, no big deal.
Look OP, this idea is in your head now. Do you really think your mind is going to allow you to not even try? I don't think it will, frankly it's probably not an option to just let this go, she's not going to be around forever.
If it's taken the wrong way somehow OP or refused, then who cares? You'll be in this exact same position except the question will be answered and you can leave the offer on the table should they change their mind.
OP it's a good thing you propose, don't doubt that, give it a go and do it in person. That way you give her the choice to refuse.
Something puzzles me though OP, if she has a married son why is she still working at 70 and disabled? Sounds like she may not hate working as much as you think or maybe he's just useless and doesn't help her out.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 November 2012):
 While your idea is nobel, it may cause problems for your ex's mother, if you are able to provide her with enough money to retire on, especially if you haven't had any contact with her for a few years.
Any overtures could be viewed suspiciously, and anonymous donations into her bank or letter box can also be worrying, she could worry whose it was, why it was given to her, was it illegally gained, what if the owner wants it back, all sorts of issues.
If you do want to go ahead with this, don't try and support her for the rest of her life, as I said, this could cause problems with her family, but you could contact her and offer a holiday, or new small car, if you are not in contact make it a once off, make sure she knows there are no strings attached, and that you dont expect anything from her in return.
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