A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:please some one give me some advice. I am very recently married - we have known eachother for years and our sexual dinamics are definately different - i have always enjoyed sex but although I love my husband in other ways I wouldnt say we have thebest sex - in life i have learnt you cannot have everything so Itry to make the best of it as far as the sex. problem is he's now a 39 year old guy with a VERY low labido - he someone that won't take pressure and doesnt perform under pressure - I am feeling constantly frustrated with him and it is purely to do with the fact he has no drive - he's a very intelligent guy and works very very hard making him very successful in what he does but how the hell do Igo about getting a sexual relationship with him?? Isit too late now ?? I also want to start trying for a baby but how am i meant to do this when the times wer have it are so few and far between. Im getting so depressed about it and when I talk to him he just says 'i understand' . . .. im going out of my mind with worry. Please someone give me some contructive advice and nothing insuinuating we should break up!! I love him.
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female
reader, AngelaSK  +, writes (28 April 2008):
It has been over a year since you posted this problem. Have things gotten any better? I find myself in the same situation. Low libido husband, biological clock running out of time (age 40), so we go to IVF. He even has trouble masturbating in a cup for our procedure, but at least it increases the chances of having a baby.I tell myself not to worry about his problem, because my mother always told me that if I have a baby, the baby will probably be so consuming that his lack of sexual desire will be way low on the list of daily concerns.Let me know if you found a different way to deal with this.Angela
A
female
reader, AngelaSK +, writes (28 April 2008):
It has been over a year since you posted this problem. Have things gotten any better? I find myself in the same situation. Low libido husband, biological clock running out of time (age 40), so we go to IVF. He even has trouble masturbating in a cup for our procedure, but at least it increases the chances of having a baby.I tell myself not to worry about his problem, because my mother always told me that if I have a baby, the baby will probably be so consuming that his lack of sexual desire will be way low on the list of daily concerns.Let me know if you found a different way to deal with this.Angela
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2007): My wife has a low labido. She is fine with sex once a month.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2007): I am reading these for exactly the same reason!!!
I`ve been married for 2 years and sex is once or twice a MONTH. He was never that interested and I`m his only relationship! (we`ve been together 7 yrs) Foreplay is fine and he`s straight!! but sex isn`t on his wanna do list. I would be happy everyday so we realyy aren`t matched well!
More frustrating when his body is willing but not his mind! I`m 35 and want a child very much. He said he wanted kids too and that`s why we married! As I`d had problems previously he even got tested to prove he was fertile. He`s supportive, loving, kind and quiet. But by not having sex on a more regular basis HOW on earth can I get pregnant. I`m beginning to suspect that he just wanted to marry - and wasn`t that bothered about kids but due to my age waiting isn@t really aan option
We`ve discussed it but he just reverts back to the old style after a day or two.
Am I just being a dunce!! i can`t see how to force this!
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A
female
reader, JulietteElise +, writes (27 January 2007):
 Has he always had a very low sex drive, or is this something a bit more recent? There can be mannnny reasons for a man to not want to have sex, and it is true that some men are born with a very low, allmost non-existant sex drive. I do belive there are pills and other such things that can make a man feel more sexual (some herbal, some hormonal), but it is best to have him go to a dr. for this, as well as to make sure this is no other medical condiction that might be causeing the problem. However, this can be a very embaresing thing for a man. Also, which was the reason for one of my b/fs lack of sexuality, is that he is a pre-mature ejaculater and thus wanted to avoid disapointing the other by avoideing sex. There are many ways premature ejaculation can be overcome, from an eraction ring to condoms, to lubes and condoms that desensitive, to learning to control certian muscles that will make him more aware when he is close so he can stop untill he is ready again. This also will take patience and kindness, for it is anouther very touchy subject. Extending forplay, or him pleasing just you are a few other ways of makeing pre-mature ejeculation more tolertable. The reason i asked if his sex drive is something "newish" is because he may just be at that time in his life when it is hard for him to... well... stay/be hard. Luckily, there is also medication that can help with this, but once again, a visit to a dr. should be done. A reason that may seem silly but could be very true, which you yourself stated about him, is that he can't "perform under pressure," and by now anytime you mention sex or sexuality he is probably feeling stressed, pressured, nervous, or even perhaps unloved. He may be very shy and feel guilty for not haveing better sex skills so feels useless, or maybe you have told him you want more out of sex often enough that it has hurt his pride and he decided to give up trying. Yet anouther factor relating to his inability to handle stress is that he may just be worn out, perhaps even depressed, from working so hard at work. These, of course, are all just theories for only you and him together can really know what the cause is, and together, if you both are willing, work on things. If he had a normal sexual drive earlyer in your relationship, perhaps its a simple as "spiceing" things up now, lingerie, romantic evenings, whatever would be new, or whatever you know turns him on the most. Just remember.... though you have full right to be frustrated with him and complaine and maybe even beg and cry or yell... none of these things will make him want to be sexual, and could even make him want to retreat more. It is painfull.... as a very sexual person who was with someone who also had almost no sex drive.... it makes one feel as if they are unloved, and unwanted. try cuddleing (even if it feels childish, it is very healing), and if you both can try makeing out without doing anything more (so some thrill is back in the relationship, but no stress towards ahveing to have sex), and masterbateing with or without his help. I hope very much you both could talk calmly and openly about this all and really get down to what is causeing his low drive, and what can be done about it. (if he naturaly has a very low drive... well... it should be up to him weither he wants to take meds to make his higher... otherwise he'll feel resentment for being forced, or like hes not good enough). Ask him what his bigest fantasys are, and try them. Sex is about him too. However, seeing a marriage counslur, sex counslor, or even just a theripist on your own can help a lot.
as for wanting a child, there are other ways of getting pregnant then haveing sex, such as invetro, and there is always adoption. I am not at all saying you should live a sexless life, for i don't think this is fair... but if you knew he was like this to begin with, it is unfair of you to think he would change. Either way, this issue needs to be adressed before any thoughts of haveing children. Alos... if he refuses to be sexual, to try to make himself more sexual, or even comprimise to help your sexuality, you really need to ask yourself, is this someone you want to be with the rest of your life while raising children as well?
best wishes, i know this is painfull and i hope very much it will all be resolved happily.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (26 January 2007):
 This is very difficult sweetie. I understand that people have differing levels of libido. How does he respond when you make the first move, will he follow thru or does he turn over completely uninterested?
I would suggest in this case psycho-sexual counselling. It is constructive and in the main, helps people to address their concerns and deal with them in such a way that it puts minimal [pressure on the relationship. You can ask your Gp for a referral or phone relate and they can give you a tlephone number for your area. (google them)
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (25 January 2007):
 Did you talk about the kids issue before you got married? If so do you have any indication he wants kids too? Maybe he's gone off sex because he doesn't want them but feels pressured by you to have them? Or maybe he simply has a lower sex drive. In this case it's all about compromise. He should have sex sometimes when he doesn't feel it and you should do without sometimes when you do feel like it. A little communication could probably help you out a lot.
CD
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