A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HelloI'm 30, male, divorced and I have a dilemma. I want to have a girlfriend, and I would like the relationship to be sexual. The problem is that I also don't want to upset any girl if I like her enough to be interested in her.I have no attractive qualities, and I know from experience that telling someone I'm attracted to them causes a great deal of distress to the girl. I do struggle with being so unattractive, because I've always tried to be a decent person and it's hard to hear that there's nothing about me that has any value. Worse is the look of horror and disgust on her face - it's not just that I'm not attractive, I'm actually wholly unattractive. I'm not basing this on one experience, but on many experiences. I'm short, fat, ugly, have no money. I've never been to jail and don't take drugs, don't get into fights and don't get drunk every weekend. My ex was very angry at me because she assumed I was going to get a well-paid job, but I never managed to, and it was a big part of why she basically started having affairs. There's nothing good about me, I can understand why hearing me telling someone I'm attracted to them or would like to go for coffee with them would be upsetting. It still hurts me though. I'm not annoyed at the girls, I'm annoyed at me for being so hideous.The problem is that I have the same desires for relationships and sex as other guys. These drive me to do things like tell the girl I'd like to go for coffee with her. Part of my 'self-identity' is being someone who doesn't cause pain and distress to others, but another part is that I'm someone who is attracted to women. These parts are mutually exclusive, and I can't be true to the latter without violating the former, and if I'm true to the former then that means denying the existence of the latter. I know from when I was in therapy for depression (more reasons I'm so awful - not only did I become depressed, but I chose to go the therapy) that denying who I am can only lead to further problems.My question then, is: how can I resolve this? Is it possible to learn to not be attracted to anyone? Even if there's someone I like and don't say anything to her, I find it difficult to deal with my attraction. I feel sad knowing that I will never be with her, and if I were to try I would hurt her. I don't want to be okay with making women suffer, so it's obviously the attraction that needs to go. What about things like chemical castration, could that work and would a doctor do it?Of course, the 'perfect' answer would be for me to become attractive, but that is not possible. Even if I lost the weight, I'm still ugly and short. Having no money means I'm 'boring' because I can't do lots of exciting, expensive hobbies, and can't buy expensive gifts and holidays. I can't get a well-paid job because I'm boring and different (never been to jail, don't watch football, don't even eat meat). So even if I were to win the lottery and have extensive cosmetic surgery, I'd still be the same awful person underneath!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTooSensitive, that article was pretty interesting! I'm going to reread it, it makes a lot of sense. I do wonder why people go on dates with people they are unattracted to, but I get caught up with distressing thoughts. Mainly, that if people will date people that they are not interested in, or actually want to not see, then what does that say about me? If they give someone unattractive a chance, how unattractive I must be to not only not be given that same chance, but to provoke such outrage by asking.
When people tell me that I'm no good or terrible, I forget that what they mean is that *they think* I'm no good, or that I'm terrible. I let others define who I am - I value being good and I get distressed because people tell me that I'm the opposite of that. They state their opinion as fact, and I accept it as such. It's always been that way - my parents would tell me how awful I was, my wife would tell me how bad and terrible I was for not being perfect (I believed in communication, but my wife was of the opinion that communication was a sign of failure and that 'if I loved her I wouldn't need to ask'.)
But anyway, things are looking up for me and I'm concentrating on the positive. Reading everyone's advice gave me a confidence boost, and I seized on that to contact a temp agency I used to work for (I worked in my current city, but they are based many miles away near London) and they said they were looking for people to do the same work I used to do for them, but down where they are based. I don't think I could have accepted without the confidence boost either, or the advice. Things like saying 'join a group' - rather than just say 'there aren't any here' and give up, I can look at it and say 'but there might be groups near where the job offer is'. I've nothing left in my current city but memories... so why stay? I've handed in my notice on my flat, so no going back now!
Thanks again to everyone. Having been so blinkered, I was going nowhere, but just being able to talk about these things and read your responses has been very cathartic. And getting a job just by having a bit of confidence to call my old employer is just WOW. I thought of it ages ago but just felt there was no point, that they wouldn't want me! I'm going to print out these responses and pin them to my wall :)
A
female
reader, Too Sensitive  +, writes (23 January 2009):
P.S. - Thanks, Griffo, much appreciated! Very well said yourself!
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A
female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (23 January 2009):
Reading your latest response made me so happy for you - it made my day already in fact! You sound so much better already. I am sure having gotten a job has lifted much pressure off your shoulders. And moving to a bigger city, where some of your friends live, is very exciting and something to which you can look forward. Wonderful news all the way around! I am so glad that you updated us all, for we have been worried about you (I just know I also speak for the others here who obviously cared enough to reply to you).
The timing of some things is absolutely amazing. When I logged onto the computer just now, lo and behold, this article was on one of the home pages. Here is the link so you can read it, as it applies to your dating dilemma:
http://advice.eharmony.com/article/why-do-you-keep-attracting-the-wrong-people.html?cid=23600&aid=700
I hope the link works. Though it's entitled "Why Do You Keep Attracting the Wrong People", the advice is equally applicable to "Why Are You Attracted to the Wrong People", I would say! Anyway, I immediately thought of you when I saw it, and just had to link it here for you.
Good luck to you. I just know you'll do fine. Know that we are all rooting for you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who responded. It genuinely has given me a big esteem boost, and made me think about a few things - how things came to be how they are and how I can change my circumstances.
@TooSensitive:
I thought long and hard about the type of woman I go for, and they are conservatively dressed, 'sweet' girls. I think that's also partly why I find it so hard when they react so badly - I'm thinking they are 'nice' and the way they respond is anything but. It's not like on American TV where a nice girl rejects a guy by saying she appreciates the compliment but isn't interested. So my expectations have definitely been way off. Most of the girls I've been attracted to have been friends of friends, and all my friends left my city many months ago. Certainly I feel I'm dwelling on things because I've no-one to interact with. And going up to someone in a park or or on the street or in a shop is a big no-no here! Even *I* know it's totally unacceptable ;)
I know going back to therapy would be a big help to me, but I chose to go privately and haven't been able to afford it for a long a time (and the NHS waiting lists are 18-24 months long). But I've decided to move to a much larger city, where there may be self-help groups and interest groups. At the very least, the place I'm moving to isn't too far from a couple of friends of mine, so there will be someone to talk to at least. Also, there won't be the constant reminders - no more walking past places with negative associations. I've managed to find a job too, which is why I've decided to move to where I'm going. It's just driving a car, so no social interaction and no career, but having an income will be a major relief.
I try to walk as much as I can, but there's nothing to occupy my mind which means it turns to negative thoughts. But again, with a change in circumstance, there will be more for me to think about positively and less negative stuff to happen. Another change I'm going to make is to throw out the 30" waist trousers I've not been able to wear since putting on weight, I've realised seeing them in my closet makes me more conscious of being a 34" waist, and dropping two sizes feels like an impossible task. So I'm going to concentrate on getting to 32" for now. I put on a lot of weight because of the antidepressants I was on. About 4 weeks ago my doctor changed my prescription and assured me the weight would start to come off but it would take a while.
So, thanks again to everyone who replied. I feel much more positive reading your responses. I feel I see a much wider world-view of my problem now, and I genuinely feel less alone in the world :)
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A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (22 January 2009):
 Too Sensitive, I agree all the way, that was very well said! ;)
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A
female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (22 January 2009):
Well we all care about you and think you are worthwhile - just look at all the responses you've gotten already - you are on the "most discussed" list here!
As an attractive woman, I can tell you that at this stage of my life (latter 40's, but I'm told I look 10 years younger), I am turned off by a man who has too much money. I am mistrusting of him initially, and think he has ulterior motives and unscrupulous values. I assume that if he has all this money, he believes himself to be powerful and able to get whatever he wants, and that is a turn-off for me. I associate lots of money with arrogance, but less money with being down-to-earth. If he wants to take me away or buy me gifts to flatter me with all his money, then I am thinking he must have character flaws that he is trying to hide with all that money. The money defines who he is, instead of his heart and his character.
And once a man lies to me, that's it, he's more than likely lost my trust forever.
I think you are attracted to, you are picking, the wrong women for you. You are attracted to what sound like golddiggers, women who do want the money. Oh yes, there are lots of them out there, but they are not right for you. So, it will take more time for you to find the right woman for you. But she's out there.
First, you need to work on yourself. Get yourself to a place where you are happy with yourself again. Forget about trying to find a woman for the moment. That can be a goal, but that should be a goal for the future, after you get yourself straightened out. Yes, as others have said, if we don't love ourselves, how can we expect anyone else to love us?
It is impressive that you have a Master's Degree. That is an accomplishment to be proud of, in and of itself. Focus on the fact that you have one, not to flaunt to the world, but to feel good about yourself. Don't focus on the fact that you don't have employment where you can use it. Just focus on feeling good that you have it. It shows that you are fairly intelligent. Feel good about that too.
Keep up the therapy. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It shows that you want to improve yourself. So many people should be in therapy and aren't! If you have stopped, see if you can get back into it. Join a support group for those afflicted with depression, if there is one in your area. If not, think about starting one! Here in the States, we have lots of them, and they are typically held in the back room of a church. Depression is not always about a chemical imbalance. Life's troubles can be triggers for depression too. Anyway, a support group can be a great outlet for sharing our thoughts and feelings with others who are going through similar things as us. It is a safe environment. And it is a great way to make new friends. Though your goal in attending should not be to meet a potential mate, it is possible that that could happen. In my support group, there is at least one couple who came together b/c of meeting in the group (though the group discourages this).
Walking is free, and it is also freeing. When weather permits, give it a try. Before you know it, you will start shedding pounds. Start out at a slow pace that you are comfortable with. Week by week, gradually increase your pace and the distance. The sights and fresh air and activity will help clear your head and get you out of the house. And you might make a new friend along the way doing this too.
I think going back to school is a wonderful thing that you are planning to do. You may make new friends in class too. Just through casual day-to-day interaction.
In the meantime, maybe you could try some volunteer work. I am a huge advocate of that one. It keeps you busy and occupied, and it is a great way to give back. And to meet new people!
Focus on making yourself a better person, as best as you can be, on the inside, and the rest will come naturally and fall into place.
You have great morals and ethics and great character. Let that make you feel good about yourself. To me, honesty is at the top of my list, as a woman. I value that above all else in a relationship. I know there are many other women who feel as I do, all across the globe. Golddiggers will tolerate lying, b/c their priority is getting to the money. I will not tolerate lying, and I don't care about the money.
Try to forget about what your wife put you through - which was dispicable, by the way. Try to forget about the rejections you've gotten from women up to this point. Focus on yourself, and when the right woman comes along, she will recognize your great inner qualities and value them. However, it will probably take getting to know her over time in a non-threatening environment first, such as a group or organization you're involved with, or class, or at the park as you pass by each other during walks.
When you are in a place where you feel better about yourself, try "thinking outside the box". If you are always attracted to a woman who looks a certain way or acts a certain way, try taking a look at someone who looks or acts otherwise. I.e., if you are always attracted to blondes, try brunettes or redheads. If you prefer shorter women, try someone who is taller than you. Feel good about who you are, and it won't matter if she is taller than you - that will not negatively affect your masculinity. If you always gravitate toward the outgoing bubbly personality, try someone who is on the shy side. Maybe you prefer a woman who dresses provocatively. Try someone who does not. Just as you want someone to like you for who you are on the inside, women want a man to like us for who we are on the inside too, and not just b/c we are a pretty face. And if we are not a pretty face, well, all the more reason! See where I'm going with this? Up to this point, you have been attracted to women who are not right for you. They do not respond to you. Where are you meeting these women? Just passing on the street? In a bar? If they are pretty much complete strangers to begin with, then no, you probably won't get anywhere. You will need to be in a social setting where you have common ground (such as the same group of friends, church, volunteer work, and have a chance to talk and get to know each other first, very casually, without any pressure). B/c you don't have the looks or the money to offer, you will have to work harder than the other guys before being able to break the ice. But, it will be worth it. And in my opinion, you have so much more to offer than looks or money. You have yourself and everything good you stand for. Don't forget that, and value that above all else. As I said, the right woman will see this over time, and seek you out. But you have to first get yourself to that place where you believe you do have special things to offer a woman, and a place where you do believe in yourself, no matter what anyone else thinks or does or says.
Keep your convictions about yourself, such as not doing drugs, not lying, not doing anything to land you in jail. Feel good about those things. The women who seek out the bad boys do so possibly b/c they are conditioned to be in abusive and negative relationships, and probably have little or no self-esteem. If they are attracted to bad boys and not you, so be it. Let 'em have the bad boys.
What you need is a woman who values the things you do and thinks the way you do and is the way you are. Someone who has alot to offer from the inside. When you find each other, it won't matter what either of you looks like on the outside.
Pursue free or inexpensive hobbies. The more you do, the more interesting you will become. Don't worry about whether your hobby is exciting or trendy to the rest of the world. Do what you like to do, whether it be crossword puzzles, jigsaw puzzles, model trains, playing cards, photography, listening to music, growing houseplants, whatever. Seek out a club which caters to that hobby. There are plenty out there (here in the States, anyway). There's a hobby club for virtually everything you can possibly think of. Again, a great way to meet people, make new friends, though the goal should not be to find a potential mate, but rather, to fill your time and pursue the things that make you happy. The rest will probably fall into place. As you feel better, you will get to know the others in the group, and it should not matter whether they are male or female. Over time, you may find they will try to matchmake on your behalf! The more people you know and form acquaintances with or friendships with, the better your chances of meeting a potential mate (who may or may not be right for you!).
Just keep yourself busy and as socially active as possible. Attend free concerts, festivals, etc. Go to the library and take out books to read, especially self-help books. This can serve not only to distract you from your own self-defeating thoughts, but give you the opportunity to meet new people, make new friends, and if nothing else, give you material for conversation with others when the opportunity does arise.
When we are feeling bad about ourselves, we tend to focus on all the negative experiences we've had, the way those experiences have made us feel inside, the hurtful things others have said and done to us, until it all snowballs inside our head, and an avalanche of negativity occurs. The voice inside our head repeats these negative experiences over and over, keeps bringing them to the surface and regurgitating them, until we believe it to be true. Prove them wrong. Fight harder than you ever have to overcome this.
Don't worry about meeting a woman just now - work on feeling good about yourself first - and try to have fun in the process. And when you do feel better, try not to rush anything with the opposite sex. Take your time, and let her take her time. Good luck, and let us know how you're doing.
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (22 January 2009):
If you get a chance there is a doco called "What the Bleep Do We Know" I reccomend seeing that film. And you being an intelligent person who has knowledge of biomedical physics and other scientific theroes will understand this new practically and tested concept:
During the film they mention some Japanese scientists that tested the effects of human emotionaal responses to water, yes you herd WATER! basically they had two glases of water, separated them into different rooms and had a group of 5 scientists in each room with each glass of water. This is where it gets interesting... In one room the scientists said positive things to the water that was nice, they mentioned how beautiful, how much they loved it and many other things... In the other room the scientists abused the water, sweared at it, cussed it and threatened it. They ran this test for one month contunously. At the end of the month they froze the water, and began looking at it mocroscopically and you know what they found? The water that was abused and treated badly, looked very awkward. It had badly shaped crystalization, awful color etc. The one that was treated nicely was also looked at. And to their surprise the crystalisation produced perfect symetrical shapes and patterns. Their point was that, if our bodyes are made up of around 80 percent water, and if that can happen to a glass of water in a room with a bunch of scientists, imagine what we are doing to ourselves.
This is now being heavily used in marketing: Coca Cola now uses the "think positive drink positive" campaign in their marketing due to this same theory and its results. So there is practical evidence that it works.
So my point is you must try and never give up!
Now these other guys have built up an image of themselves that include the elements I mentioned earlier. They might not make it obvious to you, but women certianly see it in their confidence. You seriously need to snap out of it, Ive seen many guys that are extreamly unattractive get amaizing women, not because they have something material at all they have nothing probably less than you, but because they try with all their might and heart to "improve themselves" they get results. This is where it all starts and radiates from. Its more than just looks that a woman read. Its also the body language and confidence in your voice and many more invisable aspects which will improve with the steps I mentioned earlier.
Also don't forget at this time in the world its a difficult time to find new employment, their are many companies about to offload thousands of people not just here in Australia but in all countries. This is a very difficult time for the entire world and its being predicted thats its going to get alot worse soon. Your in a position where at least your ready to make a move for new employment when the right time comes, plus a top lady does not care about money! She wants somone she can talk to and listen to her thats all she needs in the beginning.
About the fitness, buy a book called: "Body For life" their are two books one is a motivational book another is the the body for life record keeping book. while its harder to do this by yourself its a start and you can do it!
You need to put your mind into this building process so you eventually becomne better and better with each passing day, and you must never ever give up ever!
Let me know how you go.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (22 January 2009):
 Someone loved you enough to marry you - at least for a while - that's something.
The fact that she assumed that you were going to get a well paid job must mean that you have a decent education which means that you have options.
It sounds to me as if you need a complete change of environment. You need to reinvent yourself in your own mind and in the minds of people that know you. The best way to do that is to go away for a year, two years maybe for ever and do something completely different. The equivalent of joining the French Foreign Legion ...
The UK is going down the drain now anyway. It is a good time to get out. Pick a developing country that appeals to you - maybe China, somewhere else in Asia.
Even if you don't think that you do you must have some skills that can used particularly if you are not looking to earn a big income. If nothing else you can teach English. All kids in China want to learn English but only a few get to learn from a native English speaker. We can find a small town / small city in western China where you can volunteer as an English teacher. You won't earn much but you'll have food and lodging, you will be making a real difference in the lives of children, you'll be treated as someone important in that town as one of the only foreigners there, you will have respect, you will likely lose weight, you will have so many changes in your life and so many new things to deal with that you will have no time for feeling sorry for yourself. In that environment you will be seen as exotic and different and exciting and you will have girls the like of whom you wouldn't even dream of approaching in the UK and they will feel lucky to be with you. Oh and people out in the west of China tend to be really short so you will even get taller (at least relatively :-) ).
If and when you choose to go back to the UK you'll have a new view of yourself and you'll have done something and have some stories.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGriffo,
Thanks for the reply. I used to think friendship with women was important and went for that, but then I saw that girls - including those I was interested in - would go out with guys they just met. Dating, relationships, sex, whatever level - but they don't wait around for friendships to develop over time. As for being too quick to ask someone out... how can I get to know them if I can't talk to them? I see guys asking girls out for coffee and the girl usually says yes, even if they just met.
I used to go to the gym, but I had to give it up when I lost my job. I considered a trainer, but again, money is a big problem (state benefit is £240 a month and my rent etc is over £700 - on the plus side, I can't afford food so at least I'll lose some weight :D )
Your positive visualization exercises are the sort of thing I struggle with. I was brought up never to lie, and I know that when I say them, it isn't true. Do you know how I can overcome this? I've tried hypnosis CDs, but judging by my posts here I don't think they've worked...
I have a master's degree in biomedical physics and I'm planning on going back to uni to retrain as an osteopath in September. My current field is highly specialised and I've tried and tried but can't get employment in the field. I also can't get work in a supermarket because I'm over-qualified, I can't get a job in physics because I don't have the required experience... it's a rock and a hard place.
I'm sorry to sound negative again, but please let me know if you have any further ideas. I do want to change, I just don't know how. I see so many obstacles, I've tried so many things to change different aspects of my life, and I've still ended up at rock bottom.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses. :)
@anonymous:
I couldn't be with a woman for kids, I'd want to be with her.
@Annie_g, MissDesire
I know what you mean about the confidence thing, but the truth is I did used to be confident, and I even thought I was ok looking at one point :) That's how I found out woman react so badly when I express interest in them.
The truth is that there's always a taller, thinner, richer, better-looking guy interested in the girl. No girl will settle for someone short, ugly, fat and broke when there is someone better interested in them, they always go for the best option available. As for dinner and discussion... I'd love to do that. But no girl wants to do that with me. In fact, the first girl who I asked out (she didn't take it well - the words 'worst thing ever' and 'never, ever would go out with you' were used amongst others) was also asked out by a tall, thin, attractive rich guy. To a cruise across the world. No surprise that she accepted his offer and was offended by mine.
Annie_g mentions focussing on my positive qualities... I don't have any. I used to think I did, but years of being told how unattractive I am (and being rejected for jobs) have worn me down. I have been told explicitly that there is nothing worth while about me. I used to think the little things were important, that as long as I showed love and kindness, that was all that mattered. My wife, after her affairs, said to me that she wanted me to kill myself. I gave her everything I could, I thought love etc meant something. But it was never enough! The first girl I asked out after splitting from my wife, I thought she might at least take my attraction as a compliment. It wasn't a compliment, it was a 'total nightmare'.
And I don't know how to better myself. I learned to accept that who I am is not who I wanted to be. How can I love myself when there's nothing to love? I don't fit in, I'm not the same as everyone else. I've tried watching football, I've tried listening to the same music as everyone else. I've considered eating meat, but even the smell makes me vomit. I've never been to jail, and I used to think that was good, that it showed I was a good person. But girls like 'bad boys', they like the drug-dealers and violent thugs. It's exciting, it shows how manly and brave their boyfriends are. I refuse to take illegal drugs, so people don't want to know me because I'm 'boring' and 'square'.
I'm so tired of being me. I don't know how not to be me though. I want to have good qualities, I truely do. I want to be confident, but to be confident I need people to respond to me in a positive way, and I don't know how to be someone they can respond positively to.
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A
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reader, Griffo +, writes (22 January 2009):
Hi,
Id like to let you know that I can see the problem blazing like the sun. You see the problem is that you believe all these things that you are, are in fact true. Well they are not! Even if those women you ask out are shocked its because maybe you havent established the friendship enough with them - with women it takes time and alot of patience especially the good ones.
Firstly you need to develop better confidence in yourself image. Who you are and the way you look is you and you can't change that, even if you took cosmetic surgery it's highly likley you still would not be happy.
I can give you some suggestions that will if your determined enough give you the confidence and energy you need to attract women, and these common laws of attraction will considerably help and improve your chances.
1) If you are overweight, go to the gym. I reccomend hiring a personal trainer once per week and go at least three to four times each week, following his/her (the trainers instruction). Ensure you find a personal trainer with the body you want, don't hire a girl trainer if you think she's hot.
2) Drink two litres of fresh water each day promise yourself you will do this! At the same time I want you to tell yourself how good looking you are how much of a great guy you are and everytime a woman walks past or goes near you imagine her saying how sweet and nice and attractive you are remind yourself of what women will like about you and the qualities you have in physical attractiveness - while some women like abs and muscles others love cute things like your eyes, your lips, your arms and your neck. the reason I ask you to do this is so you learn to understand your attractive qualities - this technique also builds your confidence and inner strengths.
3) Ask the personal trainer to advise you an a diet. And stick to the diet! Do not eat crap foods! Have one day each week where you eat anything you want but be moderate in the food - Don't go out and eat bacon and eggs for breakfast and eat two whole pizzas for lunch, have mcdonalds for dinner.
4)Ask your self do you have any qualifications, at least a diploma? if not considder finding somthing you like to do and study that subject. What do you like that could be profitable or in demand? If you already have qualifications look in the yellow pages and find an agent that specialises in your skill and ask them to help find you work (you need to be persistent with your agent). if you are not working find a job as soon as possible so you can have more income to do these things. If you do have a job and you find your money drying up at the and of each cycle, download (Microsoft Money - FREE) and learn about and take the time to manage your money and expences. It will take a month or so for your budget and expences to work with your new cashflow plan.
If you follow these above steps you will eventually be so busy in doing them that you will find women will see that you are: Determined, Confident, Passonate, Financially stable or heading that way, Healthy or at least trying to be, Commited, plus many more qualities - This creates the image that you are a great guy to be around and this is very attractive to women, and the more you do it the more women will come into your life.
It can take two years or longer but it is your test so dont give up! because you will be aiming for these goals: health, education, career
Secondly, If you want to be with a woman you will need to befriend them first. Making friends with them will allow you to learn about the things women really like, you can laugh with them and have a generally good time but never EVER ask these ones out to be with you, just be their friends. Do not complain that you are single to them they will feel intimidated and possibly think you mean something by it and may want to be with them - this is a big turn off for women. Wit for them to come to you and ask you then you can tell them but dont go splurging out your sadness and heart just be carfull and private about it. If you meake these friends they will also tell their friends about this great guy they are friends with and more will want to meet you and befriend you too - eventually there is bound to be one that will have a friend that likes you and they will all do it for you. No need to worry. on top of this if you are doing the things in the steps i mentioned above this will add enormously to the attraction.
Mate, i wish you the best but all i can do is give you the road to follow. it's now upto you. it will be tough there will be times you want to let go, but you need to be determined and not let yourself go!
Cheers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): I can tell you that my ex-husband was basically you and I am or was average to above average good looking and I got with him because he showed me what real love was by loving my children that were from my first marriage.
I can honestly say I married him because he was good to my kids, he basically was a stay at home dad and we had a reverse marriage.
Why don't you try doing just that, find a woman with kids and offer her things that really count, Like my ex told me...Say you know your not the most attractive guy in the world, and not wealthy, but you offer her true love and can be the best dad in the world to your kids and she can bring home the bacon.
I have to say that my Ex was the best dad my kids could have ever had and we stayed married for 16 years because I knew he truly loved me enough to love my kids and that is real love. I truly loved him for loving my kids.
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female
reader, Annie_g  +, writes (22 January 2009):
First of all.. I think your problem is that you don't have a positive attitude, you put yourself down way too much.
and by putting yoursself down it makes you unattractive.
no woman wants to be with a man who constantly puts himself down.. you need to focus on your positive qualities and stop focusing on the bad..
im 19 years old and im telling you this because im very much the same as you.
im constantly putting myself down and thats the problem
you need to start foccussing on you, your personality, bettering yourself as a person and loving yourself, because how is any woman going to love you if you dont even love yourself?
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female
reader, MissDesire +, writes (22 January 2009):
 Hello there,First off you may not be the most attractive person in the room, but alot is based on perception and how you hold yourself. If you tell yourself everyday that you're ugly and not worth anything, and can't possibly be attractive to woman, then guess what, you probably won't be. I've seen some not so handsome guys able to charm girls simply with a bit of confidence and a good sense of humor.As far as not having money to do expensive exciting things, what happened to the good ol' first date, dinner and discussion? Alot of women, you'd be surprised, are not interested in big, expensive dates and lavish accommendations.I don't think chemical castration would be a good approached to getting rid of your attraction to the opposite sex, it would also mess up the hormonal balance in your body. This world has a impossible standard for how people should look, but perhaps you should let your personality show through as well. Confidence, hun!Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to, or want to discuss this further, hun.~Des
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