A
male
age
41-50,
*ulldog77
writes:Dear cupid, I have a situation that I would like to get some advice on. My wife and I have hit a rough patch in our marriage. We have changed all of our focus to our four children and spend no time to rebuild our marriage. My wife admitted to having an affair with a younger man and realize that she wanted to come back to her husband. But the problem has become since we cannot get any time to talk out our differences she wants to have a trial separation, but I feel that we need to go to counseling. What should I do about this because it will affect my wife, myself, and our four children?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): Wow, it really sounds like your marriage is over....are you really sure you want to go to counseling to try and save it? Is it worth saving? Your wife betrayed your marriage vows. Affairs don't just happen they are symptoms of pre-existing HUGE issues in the marriage. so there's that to begin with. Then the affair itself is a whole other world of hurt from which many never truly recover and the mistrust and hurt linger on and on indefinitely. Furthermore your wife doesn't seem to want the marriage anymore. It takes two people to have a marriage and it sounds like she already wants out, for whatever reasons. You have kids to think about. Personally I would prefer to teach kids that cheating in marriage is unacceptable - you cheat, you're out. Not that you cheat, and spouse begs you to come back to them. Ugh. If you insist on trying to work it out, do you think you'll just be prolonging an unhealthy situation rather than facing the painful truth (that the marriage is already over) and moving on now?Are you sure that the reason you want to try and work it out isn't because of financial or logistical issues like not wanting to have to go through court battles, shuttling kids back and forth between two households, the insecurity of being single, the outrage of having "lost" your wife to another man (which is more a possessiveness thing).... are these healthy reasons to want to hang onto this marriage?ASK her why she wants a trial separation rather than going to counseling? does she think counseling "won't work"? And yet a separation will? It really sounds like she doesn't want to be with you any more, whether or not there's still anyone else in the picture...
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (23 December 2010):
 First of all. Trial separation: DOES NOT EXIST, neither does "lets take a break" Who cam up with solving relationship issues, by looking outside of the relationship to do so? Before she had an affair, which is looking outside of the marriage for fill a void as well. All this supposed trail separation is, is another excuse to looking outside, which cancels out the possibilities of solving what's inside.
When two people get married, they generally agree to "for better or worse", it sure seems those words don't carry much meaning in so many marriages today. Marriage is tough, and there are ups and downs, but the difference between those who work and those who don't is their perception of the hard times. You two are married to each other, which has nothing to do with anything outside of the two of you. Even with your kids, they are yours, you love them unconditionally, but you are not married to them. Marriage is a partnership, not of obligation, but of sharing. It's not what you two get from each other, but what you two bring into it to share. It's once obligation comes into the picture that disappointment happens, then the affair to fill a void that's lacking. You can see how obligation is a root of so many marital issues.
If you try counseling, she must be on board too. It's not going to work if one seeks it, but the other one doesn't intent on rebuilding the marriage. To see what I'm talking about, go after you read this and rent the movie, "Fireproof", if you haven't yet seen it. I back it 100%, and although I'm got divorced before its release, I've watched it numerous times. It shows how little things one by one cause destruction and how little things one by one can repair a marriage.
I also believe in Anthony Robins books where he talks about how people only feel truly loved one way. Either by being getting them a gift, touching a certain way, or by taking someplace to do something. He says to find that key, and keep repeating over and over again. In stating that also, he says that in the beginning we touch on all ways because the relationship is new, but as time goes on and the honeymoon period is over, we tend to show someone love by how we feel it ourselves, which is generally far off from the way our spouse does. Just another something to think about.
I hope this helps. Marriage is a blessing and having children is as well. You two are the lesson that your children learn from on healthy relationships. Take care and I hope everything works out for you two.
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A
male
reader, rivi +, writes (23 December 2010):
What are the practicalities of a trial separation ?
Ie - does she have a job ? Do you have the financial resources to fund two households ?
I would be tempted to say - 'well I don't want a trial separation as it happens, I think we should get counselling to try and work things out. However, if you really think a trial separation is the best idea then fine - you move out to a studio flat and I'll stay here with the kids and you can keep your house keys and visit whenever you wish. "
If she takes up that challenge then fine, live with it and see how it goes.
Ultimate bottom line is that if the marriage is over as far as she is concerned ( for whatever reasons, good bad or indifferent ) then it is over and you have to deal with that sad situation.
But you are not there yet and maybe if she is living on her own / with or without a relationship with a younger dude, she may change her mind and see the value of life with you.
You do have to take it in stages and give it time to see how her desires for change firm up or diminish.
Sometimes 'bad things happen to good people'. This might be one of those times which is unfortunate for you. But if it happens deal with it, and you still have the relationship with the kids to cherish.
And if she does a definitive break well it's not the end of the world : you can date again, and really better to be on your own and know it rather than have the illusion of a sham marriage partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): it sounds like your wife really doesn't want to be married to you anymore. She had an affair and now she wants to separate instead of go to counseling. Trial separations usually are a first step toward divorce. If your spouse does not want to work on your marriage, you can't force them to want it. You can drag her to the counselor's office but she'll likely not cooperate in the process.You could however maybe ask her to go to counseling not for the purpose of saving your marriage (because it looks like she doesn't want to even try) but to decide what the course of action should be for your entire family. Thus, consider it not so much marital counseling but family counseling. In counseling you could explore whether separation is best, or whether she would consider working on the marriage (which is a separate type of counseling).Alternatively you could proceed with the trial separation and maybe that will give her the space she needs to think things through and what she wants to do about the marriage.I know you're angry and hurt and betrayed that she had the affair. Are you sure you want to keep your marriage together? Will you ever be able to trust her again?? If my spouse cheated on me and then wanted to separate I'd be like, fine with me!!!
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