A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. On Thursday I revealed my biggest secret to date- I was sexually abused by my cousin for 4 years. (23 years old now). I never open up about my feelings but I told this friend finally. It was extremely difficult and slightly harder because he is a male. He knows of my culture (from a traditional Muslim family) and understands the implications which, if revealed then I could lose my family. Anyway we had a conversation and he has been supportive as in he's listened and been comforting but has told me in order for me to live my life I have to move on, which I kinda understand. I have told him its harder done than said and in way I have, working in my career but it seems to be affecting my relationship with family. Anyway I've told him the gist of it but I think to fully move on I need to tell him a few details which I've written down in a letter but want him to read it whilst I'm there. But now he hasn't replied to my texts about giving him the letter. I'm scared that I have scared him off but he knows my biggest secret but he is the only one I trust and now I'm not sure what to do. I think giving the letter would help but he is being weird about it. He is in a position of high trust in the council though but despite his position and duties, surely he would make time to see me?I don't know whether to confront him or just leave it where we left it and not speak about it again? This I think, would help me finally, to let go and take that pressure off...Please advise
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): I'm glad you're going to a councilor, if you're friend disapproves of it that is too bad, but you need to go to talk to someone about this. I don't think you can move on without doing that at least. Once you have someone to speak with you can discuss what happened with your friend. Incest/abuse is a very difficult subject for many people, they don't want to hear about it. Especially in very religious cultures where it is often denied. Just remember what happened was not your fault and you are a good person. Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers, very much appreciated.
I got in touch with a counsellor yesterday so waiting to hear back.
I told my friend this last night and he told me to be strong and move on- to put it behind me. I've sort of told him how I feel on my bad days- hopeless, anger etc. and his response was move on, be strong. How I regret saying anything :( I feel upset & let down because I confided in him and he seems to coming out with the same line when I need him and his support, the fact he doesn't want me to see a counsellor, I don't know what he wants but I don't want to let him go because he knows my secret.
He was due to attend an event I have organised and he can't come (work engagements) and I was massively disappointed and now not to be supportive of me seeing a counsellor- I feel like I've lost him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): Since he hasn't been receptive to your letter maybe he isn't the one to share details with. It's good that you were able to confide in him that this happened at least. Maybe you should try another counselor or a support group. I would suggest to tell your family but if they aren't receptive either, the best thing you can do is to find a counselor who specializes in this who can help you. Good luck, hope this helps.
http://www.aftersilence.org/
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (20 February 2012):
 In my experience, ignoring something doesn't make it get any better or go away. This needs confronting if you ever to truly move forward in life...
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI actually met a counsellor before I spoke to my friend. I found things rather awkward with the counsellor hence why I eventually told him. Now I'm starting to regret telling him- he'll listen but he'll say 'move on', which I get but that doesn't make me feel any better, in fact I think I feel resentment, all alone...I'm just trying to lift myself up at the moment, think I need to ignore it and learn not to trust, I'm always let down. I might just look to avoid him for the time-being. We'll see if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (20 February 2012):
I think you need to explain to him that you feel like he's the only one you can trust, but you don't want to put pressure on him.
It's clear you haven't spoken to anyone else, but i think getting some therapy would help you to move on. I hope you don't still see this cousin who abused you...
If he won't listen to you, then ask your doctor about counselling. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, dreamstar72  +, writes (20 February 2012):
First of all I feel sorry for you things like this are bad. Personally I would have told someone in my family about it first. Why should your cousin get away with it? The next time he does it to someone else, there will be, it might be worst and who besides his next victim will suffer? You, because your mind will always say over and over again in your head I should have told. You really should have never told your friend about what happen until you got help from a doctor. Friends are nice, but friends most of the time do not last sorry to say. A Friend most of the time talks to their friend and their friend talks to their friend sooner or latter it is spread all around. What was started does NOT end up the same. I hope it work out for you please seek the help of a doctor. The pain will NOT go away until you do, you might think it will but it will not. Take care and smile.
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