A
female
age
30-35,
*asterloh
writes:I love the man I am with, unfortunately his best friend is an ex of mine, an abusive ex. His argument is that they have been friends longer than I have known him and that everyone makes mistakes. He is a godly man and believes we need to forgive one another. I have forgiven him.. to a extent that I am kind to him when he is around, but in the back of my mind I despise him. The pain he caused me will stay with me forever and I wish with all my heart that my boyfriend would understand where I am coming from, but he can't understand. How could he? I want to get married to this man someday, but to stand at the alter with the man that used to abuse me standing by his side is unthinkable. Which gives me doubts about the whole relationship, but I am not the type of girl who asks a man to choose between his girl and his best friend. What do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2012): This would be a dealbreaker for me! Let me ask you...Did you know they were best friends when you started dating your current boyfriend? And how long since you dated the abuser? Just wanted to know because it makes me question....if your current boyfriend knows all the details about your past relationship with his buddy. And if so, it should not even be a matter of forgiveness, but more so....it still makes me uncomfortable to be around him!
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (25 April 2012):
 Hi
If you marry this man then your Ex will be around your life for good anyway, must be already as he is your boyfriends best friend.
It must be strange for your Ex to see you in love with his best friend too and to have you still around Especially knowing he had abused you
Seems to me that their friendship is strong but you in no way have to be 'nice' to this Ex. He abused you.
Personally I would leave the 2 of them to it and find a man who is nothing to do with either of them. A clean sheet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): Just my opinion but while I think it's "godly" to forgive someone who has wronged you, it's not godly to insist that someone else forgive someone who wronged them! who is he to make the decision for another person of who they need to forgive and when. That's being extremely insensitive and uncaring, how can that be godly?it's also possible to forgive someone but without letting down all boundaries! just because you have forgiven someone doesn't mean you now owe it to them to be hanging out with them and being all cozy with them, or asking them to be your children's godparents, etc!! that said, how about you suggest that there will be no best man or bridesmaid at the wedding, just you and your fiance and families. I dont' really see the point of having a best man anyway.However another way to look at it is, it's not just your own wedding, it's also your fiance's. Therefore he should have as much say in it as you. You have the right to pick who your bridesmaid is, and therefore he should have the right to pick who he wants as his best man. he doesn't get to tell you that you can't have your best friend as your bridesmaid. Therefore you don't get to tell him that he can't have his friend as his best man. You just need to suck it up and accept his choice. When you're married you're going to encounter a lot of situations where you and your spouse will disagree, sometimes strongly. A lot of the time you have to take turns compromising or the marriage won't last. Consider that this is your first exercise in compromising for the sake of the marriage.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (24 April 2012):
 This isn't about forgiveness, he abused you. He doesn't deserve forgiveness or understanding. Your wedding day is about you and your future husband, not about him and his friends. The fact that he's even still friends with someone who abused you is horrifying, let alone asking him to be your best man. If he doesn't understand, you might want to rethink if this is the kind of man who you can spend your life with. One who doesn't understand the gravity of abuse or worse, doesn't care.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 April 2012):
 There's forgiveness and there's being best friends with an abusive man. I'd probably give up the boyfriend, just because the ex would always be in the picture, not just at the wedding.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 April 2012):
 Your future husband was witnessing the abuse that your ex had done to you. Did he? Did he say nothing? It is very ungodly to let that abuse happen to anyone. Are you sure your future husband "forgave" something he didn't feel was wrong? I want to see his reasoning. It's unthinkable to allow an ex to a wedding. Even more so when he used to be abusive. I can understand you can still be nice if he changed his ways and fully repented but it seems like they let this issue slide by and ignored it as if nothing had happened, and I guess this is the issue you have here. If your future husband was clueless about the abuse, it means that they are not really close friends and he can easily uninvite him. A wedding day is your day. A new beginning full of hope and it will be stupid to invite someone who brought you unhappiness. If he is still inviting him it means he refuses to understand and he is not godly as he seems. If you get married to him you will keep on doubting his logic and his ability to protect you.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (24 April 2012):
 you need to let your b/f know what this guy has done to you , and the emotional pain he has caused. you need to set down and explain how you can forgive him, but the memories of pain he has inflected on you.
your b/f should want to protect you at all cost,and put your well being at the front in his life.
he should distance his self from his friend and place you were you feel safe and protected. he needs to distance his self from his friend ,and still be friends . other words not be so close of a friend to him.
you need to tell your b/f how he is effecting you, by being around, and the hurt it is causing you.
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A
female
reader, daniellexxxx +, writes (24 April 2012):
 Hi.. Well how awful to hear what you went through.. My opinion is quick and straight.. This man loves you? He wants to marry you? Protect you? Rite well then he should understand what your ex his best friend put you through how ever bad it was. You partner should understand and stop being friends with someone who abused the women he loves.. Simple. Talk to him again and if he won't make the sacrifice then my opinion is leave him walk away :) good luck
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