A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Am I being irrational? I love my boyfriend but honestly, it’s our son that’s keeping us together because I am not happy in our relationship. The reasons why I am not happy may seem to be selfish so that’s why I want to get some advice from you guys, so I can get your opinion, if I should change or if I should try to work things out even though I’ve tried for years and it’s not working. We’ve been together for about four years now and at first we were in love, but then we started to fight a lot. He’s disappointed that I “can’t cook” (even though I absolutely can cook and bake), but he’s never satisfied, and he doesn’t like a lot of things: anything with eggs, hates vegetables, or anything that is not chicken breast or fine meat are some examples, so it’s hard for me. So he likes to decide what to eat and normally it’s food that ir not healthy at all and he’s getting bigger and lazy. He randomly ever helps around the house because he’s the one that decides the meals. I’ve been studying feminism at college, which has made me change my perspective on a lot of things. My boyfriend laughs at me every time I talk about feminist concepts, he thinks it’s a joke and somewhat I can perceive that he thinks women are inferior in some kind of way, even though he’s said the complete opposite on occasions. Sometimes, I see homophobic values in him, specially against lesbians and I can't stand it. He is just unapologetically sexist at times and says stuff that are concerning on how he views women and his mother especially since she is a stay at home mom with no income and he doesn’t see being a mom as labor, he sees her as a failure because she doesn’t have money that is hers. I mean, she has it all but she has to ask for everything and his dad decides. She has a maid and even though he has a good job, my boyfriend thinks she’s not entitled to any of his money which to me isn’t fair. I think about me and I want to be there for my kids. I’m still at college and I can’t do office jobs. I only work in personal projects and jobs that require less hours for a higher pay. I worked as an as an actress for commercials and a model for ad or events. That’s what has been my source of income because I haven’t graduated. But since I’m with him he started being angry or jealous of the males that are involved in the work so I had to put down a lot of offers. Now that we need the money, he’s "not against me working" but I just don’t get any work anymore. As a mom I am exhausted and I can’t even keep up with a healthy life and or routine so I have been looking hideous and it’s taken a toll on my job. There is a lot of competition with models that look amazing, and of course, I don’t get jobs in like, months. I know it’s so shallow and maybe even sound conceited, that it is hard to write but I feel sad and I have to get advice. Please be kind, don't make me feel worse than I already feel.I really liked being in charge of what I want and my needs, so I am suffering because he has power over me and he hates me being me. At first I was the one buying him random fashionable stuff that he liked and wanted and never wore (when I was a mom for my daughter only and I had money) but now, suddenly he’s not interested in even looking at stores or ignores me when I ask for stuff. It kills me. Since we’ve been together, I got pregnant couldn’t work until I was back in shape, then I got into college. I can work less and have a ton of bills, since I have a daughter too which is from a past relationship and her dad just never pays child support. I’ve had to stop shopping at all (for me and my daughter) which makes me feel bad. I don't even get groceries so I get what his mom thinks, which is ridiculous. Only our son gets all that he wants. Now for quarantine I had zero money so imagine how I feel asking him to pay for the doctor or basic stuff. Am I being shallow? He gets his stuff like, electronics, etc. Because it’s his money but I feel like I don't even exist. We don't get presents for each other on holidays anymore, because I used to put so much effort and he just never did so we kind of stopped. I really feel bad to see us becoming like this and I don't get turned on by him anymore, it feels gross and wrong so I stopped being intimate. Also, I feel bad for my daughter because seeing her asking for things and only her brother getting toys every single day, while she's wearing the same clothes for years, it's sad. Her dad doesn't care, he's gone with his with a new family, and I can't provide everything to her right now. I am not perfect and maybe I have somehow deserved this in some kind of way?. I mean, he has good things too, but I am focusing on what's wrong. We have different interests and he ignores that those are real needs for us. I mean, I feel that we need things just like he needs a new tv. Our clothes are fine but I want to feel cared for and not ignored and I want the same for my daughter. Is that stupid? Please don’t attack me, the world is really suffering right now and maybe, this is not the right time for this question, but it’s been going on like this for a long time and I want to speak about it because it hurts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2020): Dear WiseOwlE, thank you a lot for your response. Also thanks to the other person who repplied, you both helped me so much. Thank you! I don't have support, I mean, in theory I do. But I really don't. I can't talk to my mom or dad about this because I have already done a million times, I've tried becoming closer to them but it's just not happening, and they just ignore me. Specially my mom, she just acts uncomfortable when I try discussing anything personal with her, she's like: talk to your therapist, call her, right now! bye. My dad sometimes reaches out to me and I love him (and her) very much but he is too negative and also likes gossip so whatever I tell him, so I know for sure he'll tell my sister who is basically happy to hear that I'm going thru something. He only rants about how I am weak minded whenever I want to reach out for advice, so that's why. Yes, you could say I am the bad guy but trust me I have done nothing to deserve that, It's just toxicity inside my family because everyone in my family has had tons of problems and it's like they think oh! so she wants a perfect life, guess what nothing is perfect and we are here to suffer, you have to go through stuff just like we did and find things out just like we did and we can't help because nobody helped us. I don't want to sound mean but this will sound mean. They wish they had my problems because theirs are "worst" so of course they can't be there for me, since they indeed are suffering. That's why I came to this site, I've read the help that you give to people and the aunts seem so strong and conscious it's just something amazing and I wanted to find an answer, and I got the answer I was looking for. I am kind of sad that the other person deleted his or her response because of my fault, I guess since I didn't answer right away, I didn't mean to be rude. I want to say your advice was really helpful and made me cry. Your kindness got to my heart and it warmed it up. I will definitely be working things out for my family and putting a strategy ahead to save my kids. My therapist doesn't think I should leave and that's why I have found this so necessary to consider other perspectives.I I just want to do this safely and have a plan. I am looking to find the father of my daughter, but he has run away leaving me with years of his debt in child support. I am searching for a job and doing all the small steps to become independent. I can't think of anyone that could be a helping hand right now, so I have to do it for myself. I can't thank you enough.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2020): Everybody wants and needs love. That is not being stupid or irrational, it is being human.
I note that there is no mention of your own parents or family. That concerns me. It's usually an indication that you don't get along; or there is dysfunction and estrangement. You apparently don't have their support; perhaps because you have been somewhat rebellious, or have used relationships as your means of escape from family-dysfunction. Set the record straight. Fill-in the details. Why haven't your parents been a part of your support-system? They see you struggling with their grandchild. They should be where you'd turn before coming here.
The kind of problems you are facing arises when the wrong person is chosen and expected to provide for those needs you articulately described. You've made a good case for leaving your boyfriend. The question is...why haven't you?
Many women come to DC in your situation. They are hoping to receive a magical-cure for a relationship that is incompatible, there is no love reciprocated; and they want an answer, as to how to change someone that it is clearly obvious that they will never change. There is either an emotional/financial-dependency holding them captive; or they are in the grip of financial-hardship, that forces these women to remain stationary. Those like yourself, with children, fear struggling alone without any help. From what you've explained, you're already there.
It seems in any case, they are doing badly by staying. Could they do any worse alone? Then there is the situation of not pursuing their delinquent child-support through child-support authorities. It's for the child. You have an obligation to do everything within your power to see that her father pays his child-support; and makes-up for any back-support. Yes, it is difficult and uncomfortable, but necessary. You are hurting without it. Your child deserves it! You deserve the help! It is his moral and financial-responsibility, not an option.
Women in your situation just want their male-partners to change and do what is right. There is this thing called free-will. People change if and when they want to. Only, he isn't the one you need to change. You will search to the ends of the earth, and will find there is but one remedy when you have chosen the wrong person as a mate. You get your ducks in a row. You make an exit-plan, seek temporary shelter, do your research to find resources and assistance; until you can get financially on your feet...BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO LEAVE HIM!!!
Preaching to him about women's rights as he laughs in your face should speak volumes about whom you're dealing with, sweetheart. He doesn't even respect his own mother!!! Lithuania is relatively progressive; but I'm sure there are still some remnants of old-world chauvinism and patriarchal ideology. It has yet to be truly conquered in most of the world; but women are making huge strides everywhere. Where there is a will, there is a way!
You have given-in totally to your emotions. You have a child to protect and support; so your strength and use of logic is vital. You have to see past your pain; and do what is best for you and your daughter. Set the example for her, that when she has chosen the wrong-man; life isn't over, unless you just give-up. You have a powerful decision to make. You are young; so you have limited experience to lean upon, but you do have commonsense. Trying to think of ways to make him love you and do right are obviously proving futile. Now what?
You need to find a job for the sake of earning a reliable flow of income. Adjust your class-schedule to accommodate for part-time work. Modeling requires staying in-shape, regulated-diet, and constant/obsessive skin and hair-care. The culture and competition in that field is cutthroat; and it is only adding to your stress and despair. You may have to seek work in another area; until you get your life in order. The wear and tear will show on your face. Your spirit-light is dimming from within, due to your life-dramas. A good photographer picks-up every flaw; and photo-shopping out your hollowed-appearance and rough-edges would be less necessary with a better model. You need to take care of yourself. You need to look like the best pictures in your port folio!
Your boyfriend has to go! If you are on less than good-terms with your family; you need to seek compromise, and bury the hatchet. You don't have to go-it alone. You turn to your blood and kinship when the world turns on you.
There is always a kindly aunt or uncle, cousin, or family-friend willing to give support and a helping-hand. If you've burned all your bridges to be with a man nobody ever liked; maybe everyone will have a change of heart once they know he is no longer in the picture. My commentary here is purely speculative; you don't mention your family, but there is always a reason or reasons.
Much weight will be off your shoulders when you give your useless boyfriend the boot, and you go to child-support enforcement and make your baby's daddy pay-up his back child-support. It's time to grow-up.
The most effective changes we make in this world start with those we make for and about ourselves.
You have your youth to your advantage. Take advantage of it!
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