A
male
age
36-40,
*ay3532
writes:this is a question going out to all the ladies out there who are in love with their partner. 1) do you prefer your partner to be more dominating/controlling in the relationshipor2) do you prefer them to be more distant and less controlling, giving you more freedomI ask this because i want to know how to keep a long term relationship. Now your probably thinking what the hell does the above questions have to do with that? Basically i have noticed that by being more dominated and controlling the women will stick by more and feel more loved and controlled as some women like, leading to long term lasting relationship (altho some may say this is not real true love)Now i notice that women who are generally in love with their partner dont mind this, but women who are just started dating with random partner will find this a turn off and in actual fact be pushed away by these thingsguess im just looking for answers genuine answers from women on how to keep lasting relationship, through more dominating controlling or giving more freedom? also by giving more freedom i mean, not always being there for them. I know that someone who is ALWAYS THERE is a bad thing, girls take advantage ofthe good guy etc and in the end the guy who is always there for the girl gets hurt. etc so, hope this makes sense and people understand the perspective im getting at. any input into this would be great Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 June 2012):
 Thanks SVC, I wonder why he never did a followup on the other question? The aunts there took the time to answer his question and he didn't acknowledge it and instead writes another question. Hm. I guess he didn't hear what he wanted to hear?
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 June 2012):
 I thought this sounded all too familiar, nice catch SVC!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 June 2012):
 Jay we talked about this here: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-be-more-hands-on-or-.html
EVERY person is different.
IF you need to be controlling then you need to find a woman that wants to be controlled.
If you try to control a woman who does not wish it, you will be alone or fighting all the time.
It's not a question of what's right for a relationship it's a question of what's right for YOUR relationship.
as for having a partner who is not always there for me when I need/want him, that too would be a deal breaker.
Best advice to you is to stop overthinking this and stop thinking you can MANAGE a relationship like a business deal.
YOU have to learn to be who you are and yourself and find a woman that when being HERSELF FITS your needs and wants.
In my relationship, sometimes he's in charge and sometimes I'm in charge... it ebbs and flows.
BUT we have communication and trust and tolerance....
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 June 2012):
Your point number 2 comes from a standpoint that someone in the relationship bestows freedom and the other one is granted freedom. Is this some sort of notion that the man gets to decide what his partner can or cannot do?
Or when you say freedom, do you mean, ignoring what they do, not joining in things that the other partner likes to do? It's all a bit vague.
Um. Well, where to start, where to start. Um.
Every relationship is a negotiation, a compromise, a mutually agreed upon dynamic. There's a balance that's dictated by expectations, abilities, personalities, maturity level, all sorts of things.
The word "control" is what you need to define. For me, that word gets my hackles up. I control what I do, when I do it and who I do it with. I decide for myself.
Now, my husband of 20 years has input, advice, suggestions, wisdom all of which are gratefully received, maybe not all with joy, but I'm the boss of me. To put it in a playground kind of way. He is not the boss of me, to continue that train of thought.
I went on one date, years ago, where the guy proceeded to tell me all the things I'd done right in the date and what he generally disapproved of in a date/mate. As in, I'd shown up on time, I dressed nicely, I deferred to him as to the choice of the venue. He was a good-looking guy with a good job, a nice car, all the stuff that would seem to indicate he'd be considered a 'catch.' Let me tell you, I ran a mile after I left that date. I never ever went out with him again. Why? Because I could tell he was a control freak, he wanted final say, he'd already determined that he was the judge and arbiter of what was right and the woman in his life would be his puppet to do as he determined. It was appalling. I still get the shivers thinking of him. I wonder if he ever found a victim to marry.
The reason I recognized him as a control freak is that I'd been in a longer term relationship in college with a guy who had those tendencies. It took me a long time, after the relationship was over, to realize he was not good for me. Maybe someone else likes to have a guy get angry with her because one of HIS friends said to her she had a cute ass. I couldn't for the life of me at that time see the irrational thinking that lay behind his anger at me for his friend's behavior. Ridiculous.
I then went the other way and dated a guy who deferred to me in everything. I mean, he was so sweet and nice and polite that I didn't see he was a clinging vine. He could not make a decision without my input and after a while, I feel suffocated and like I had some parasite sucking out all my energy. It wasn't good either, that flip side of the controller.
The point of this post is to point out that there is a balance.
Control is a red flag word to me. You'd have to define it a bit more before I can calm down the goose bumps that flared up when I hear that particular word when it's applied to a relationship.
Dominating isn't a great word either, maybe in bed it can be a fun role play thing but if it means you tell her to wash up, get you a beer and then come to bed, um, YUCK. "Flee," we'd tell a woman who described her guy as being controlling and dominating, "run away."
Maybe you need to spend some time defining these a bit better so we can all talk about the same things?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 June 2012):
 Personally I do not fit in your theory , I would never have and never had a relationship with a man who is overly controlling, because I could not be attracted to him and/ or fall in love in the first place, so I would not accept having a relationship with him, long term or not. IF he had managed to hide from me his controlling vein, and he'd sprung it on me after we got together and after I have fallen in love,... I don't know because it never happened, but I am pretty sure that this surprise would be enough to cool my ardours and make me give him his walking papers.
Yes, there are some women ( generally very young, or inexperienced, or insecure , or, not to put too fine a point to it, simply dumb ) who take jealousy , possessiveness and a domineering attitude as a compliment, they are flattered, they think that if a guy is controlling he must care about them a lot. When, in fact, the domineering guy cares a lot about his ego, his security , his self image, and having things his way ; it's all about him, not about the girl.
As for " giving them freedom " I think you mean " giving them space " and I think ther's not an official codification of how much space you should " give "or deny, I think that every couple finds the level of closeness and intimacy which both are more or less comfortable with, some people is happy meeting up every day, for some others once a week or even less it's enough. One can always compromise and work out something that 's acceptable to both.
Sure, as for me I would not like a guy who is ALWAYS there , and I don't think that one who 's ALWAYS there is necessarily a good guy, but quite probably is clingy and /or has not got much of a life outside the relationship.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 June 2012):
 Jay: Marriages and relationships seem to defy having a "recipe".... I hope you will read up on the way(s) to get along with EVERYBODY, and practice what you learn on the lucky girl who you'd like to have for a wife....
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