A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I've gotten myself into probably common predicament and so far I haven't been doing well to get out of it. I'm twenty-six now, finished school last year, have a job but trying to break into a career and eventually be moved out of my parents house by the end of the year. In all that time though I didn't really do a whole lot to help myself out in the dating pool. The last relationship I had I was nineteen and it wasn't really that serious (long distance college stuff). I've tried online dating but I can't get into it. I don't know if I don't make conversation well or anything but I don't feel any kind of connection for any of them at all. And being that I've been trying so hard with school and career building and such I haven't gone out a whole lot to meet anyone irlIf anyone has any advice I would love to hear it. I've gotten way too romantic for my own good at this point, but I really do want to get in a relationship. And I know it's a little weird for people in my age group but I wouldn't mind if it's actually serious and going somewhere this time. But at this point I don't know how to get to that stage, or how to even get anyone interested for that reason. I don't know how to feel any connection with anyone while talking to them online, and I'm not even remotely sure how to go about being noticed or meeting anyone outside. I think I just need all the help I can get
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 May 2019):
 OP, you don't "MAKE" people interested in you. You look for common ground.
It can be hobbies, interests, work, religion, lifestyle etc. that you share in common.
And you find a way to get to know the other person as THEY get to know you. You DO that by interacting, TALKING (preferably in person), going on dates, doing things together (like watching a movie, going to the museum etc.)
I like Brown Wolf's suggestion of just starting to get USED to talking to people.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2019): First, stop telling yourself you're not interesting. Conversation and getting to know people is spontaneous. If you hit it off, you take it from there. You have to be visible and receptive to people. You also have to be around people.
You've cut yourself off from being sociable and friendly. You have such a low opinion of yourself; you don't even give yourself a chance. Let alone anyone else giving you one.
It's not hard. It's trial and error, it takes practice at just being open and approachable. Don't run from a challenge or choke on your words; if someone happens to speak to you. Shying away from people with fear you're uninteresting is isolating you from everybody...not just dating! You need to learn how to make friends, then get used to interacting in a social-setting. Using your natural-charm, your wit, and developing poise.
Accept family-invitations to gatherings to get used to connecting with people. People much like you don't regularly associate with people outside their parents or siblings. You wasted your college years hiding and flying below the radar. Now you're not even practiced at something a teenager can do.
Don't give-up on dating sites. You don't have the confidence to initiate conversation. So you have to find and meet people with any help you can get.
You can go to a salon and get your hair done. Learn how do do your own make-up with skill. Talk to salespeople when you shop for clothes; or ask any lady your age shopping for suggestions on fashion. It's practice at interacting and socializing all at the same time. Chat starts from nothing, you don't have to be a talk-show host!
You have been burying yourself in school and work to avoid interaction or socializing with people. You want to jump into dating, when you've first got to cover the basics. Get used to chatting with a nice guy waiting at the check-out counter. Say good morning or make small-talk with a good-looking single-male neighbor. You don't have to flirt, just break the ice. Smile and make eye-contact when a gentleman opens a door for you!
Don't practice any of this on male co-workers, stay professional at work. That's the first place women look for dating-prospects when they have limited social-skills, or lack self-confidence. They get involved with co-workers. Worst idea ever!
I call that "fishing in a barrel." You're hemmed-up with people 35-40 hours per week; so it's convenient-shopping. Some player on your job picks-up on the fact you're lonely and fair-game. He'll play and prey on your vulnerabilities. Things go wrong, and then you want to find a new job!
Challenge yourself, with regular-people, in ordinary circumstances. It's not rocket science, nor is there some kind of fixed set of rules. Put your personality to work.
If you can find a job, you can surely get a date. You had to get the interviewer's attention, sell your qualifications, and use your charm to win the interviewer over. Just do the same thing when interacting with guys; but add more charm, and back it up with confidence.
Confidence is self-manufactured and self-maintained. It's not learned, although you can take suggestions on how to build it. It comes from practice, and pushing yourself to do things you're uncomfortable doing. Forgiving your mistakes, and just continuing to try until it comes natural.
Never ever put yourself down. You'll believe and become the bad things you say about yourself. You'll stunt your growth and never try anything new. You might be socially-awkward, or out of practice; but that isn't a bad thing. It just takes more practice at talking to people, relaxing in social situations, and being friendly.
Just remember this. Freezing-up around people; and being overly-cautious from whatever bad-thing one guy did to you, will turn you into a very lonely and desperate person.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2019): Is there at all some kind of pressure on you, that feels like you're running out of time?
That's one factor that might impede your continued well-being on the 'dating' scene.
Everything that has a beginning has an end. So, for the beginning, middle, and end of a relationship to qualify as, if not a success, at least, an achievement, I think that the most important thing is to always be aware that
" It is not all about *me* "
As such, maybe you could consider, if you were to go on a date, what is it about your date that you would want to be interested in? What is it about that person that would make him/her(?) interesting?
That ought to make your task at what to look out for, or what to get into, easier.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (24 May 2019):
 Meeting people is a lot easier than people say it is.
You meet people every day. Buying a coffee, or lunch, shopping and so on. Make eye contact as much as possible, smile, and say hello. It is that simple. Treat everyone in the same way you would want them to treat you...and in most cases they will.
The people in McDonald's know me by my first name. Not because I go there a lot, but because they remember that customer who came in, smile at them, look them in the eye, ask how things are going, and wait to hear there response before ordering. Some of the ladies have said the wish they were single so they could ask me out. And all I did was, treat them with kindest, and in the way I would want to be treated.
Of course...you will alway meet some jack wagon no matter how kind and sweet you are. Soon enough some guy will see your lovely personality, and stick around long enough to marry said personality.
Don't be discouraged by losers. They are like your favourite chocolate. You have to get pass the wrapper you don't want, to get to the good stuff you do want.
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