A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I think I am verbally abusive. I have caused a lot of pain to my wife and a lot of problems in our relationship. I used to blame her for a lot of our problems because she would never follow through with what she said she would do and she would dismiss concerns I would voice to her about what makes me happy or what bothers me. Eventually I became angry and bitter and I'm just like my father. I used to be a happy nice person. Now I think poorly of everyone but a few friends and I have a very negative outlook. She has lost a lot of confidence and I think it's because of the way I talk to her. These days, she often acts like a child and takes no responsibility for herself. She always needs me to do things for her.I am very unhappy and believe that the only way for us to be happy is if we both change. She is unhappy too (even though she says she is happy with me) but I am the main source of her unhappiness, it seems. I know she is depressed, but she won't admit it. She admitted being depressed last year and right now her behavior is exactly as it was then.I have talked to her about this and how we are unable to communicate and solve our problems alone and we need counseling. She once agreed that we both needed counselling and we also needed couples counseling.Her insurance is what will pay for the couple's counselling, but she won't make the appointment. She always has some excuse.Ever since I realized that I am as big a part of the problem as she is, she lets me put all the blame on myself. I have set aside some money and set up an appointment to see someone on my own. I really want to improve myself, but how can I make her realize that it takes two of us? She has no friends and talks to no one. I really want her to see someone who she can let it all out to. I know she has a lot of aggression toward me, but I'm the only one she confides in so she just keeps it all inside.She constantly ignores (or fails) my requests for steps to be taken to improve our life. I try to be patient and cool, but nothing happens. Then when I get angry, I get really really angry. We cry all night and still nothing changes.We married young and never really had to take care of ourselves alone as adults so we rely on each other for things we both should be able to do. Money is extremely tight right now. I could leave, but I will not abandon her to lose our apartment and go live with her Mother. She hates her Mother and that would be hell for her. I would be alone too, which scares me, but sometimes sounds very good.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): Looking at your case I can see that indeed you are being a negative person. Your wife is behaving in this way because she feels as though all efforts to make things with you right have been thrown out of the window or ignored. You must understand that in this type of situation you cannot work together until one of you has set the example. Whatever you do you should not feed the negativity with more negativity. When you are faced with a stressful situation breathe slowly and put yourself into your wife's shoes, just for a split second understand her thoughts and her view on the situation. If you feel yourself getting angry then politely ask to excuse yourself from the situation and think about how you feel in a calm manner, think about why you feel the way you do. Whatever you do do not put the blame on your wife. Accept any blame and later on you will be able to laugh it off if you know it is not true, if it is true you may learn from the situation. In every situation make sure it is not a waste of time and learn something from it. If you can try to explain your feelings to your wife. I know it is easier said than done but talking it over and following my tips may lead to you both realising what needs to happen.
Good Luck
AC x
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