A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a massive character flaw. I am drawn to the masculine, testosterone, popular men. I don't need to explain why this is a problem.Although my looks lure them in, I end up getting hurt by them or passed over for a girl who is borderline psychotic or a huge snob.I'm not crazy and i'm not a snob. There are genuinely decent guys that like me and I try soooo hard to like them back but I don't. I know i'm such a fool and such an idiot and people don't sympathize with a girl who dates the guy every girl wants. Heck, I don't even sympathize with me lol I want so badly to change and to not be attracted to the navy seal, martial arts, rock band guys. I friggin hate myself for it. Recently I even repelled the advances of a former "tough guy" only to be duped by his genuinely interested behavior towards me (hours on the phone, saying he missed me,saying we had an intense chemistry, holding my hand) and guess what happened after i fell for it and it went to the bedroom. I'll tell you! amazing sex followed by a classic fade out with some bull crap about getting sick when we didn't even have plans so that I guess when my off days did arrive he wouldn't have to contact me for more dates. I did not chase as i may have in my former "naive" years but I was floored that I let myself fall for it AGAIN!! How can I change my stupid pattern if I can't change who I'm attracted to. Even after 2 days of not hearing from Mr. Recent, I am still hoping he calls. HOW LAME IS THAT!?!?!? Help me help myself. I am not asking for pity, just a way to like the guys who deserve a good girlfriend. I want to like them!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSerpico,
It's so true and it's so primal. And these guys always end up with arrogant stupid women who they even eventually tire of when that girl is under their thumb, it just takes longer with crazy unpredictable girls I guess. I know that they make terrible husbands. My job is in an alpha male dominated line of work (I don't date them though. I'm not dumb enough to piss where I sleep) but I do see them with girlfriends who they talk a out like garbage and try cheat on them or dump them and move on the next day. They make me sick so why do I wanna be an alpha's girl friend. I'm not talking about a masculin male, I'm talking a out the guy that can kick everyone's ass if he wanted or is super popular due to his work or heroic or something. Every girl wants them and unfortunately sometimes they sink their vampire teeth in me. I know it is my fault. And I try to be smarter but they chase so long and so good that eventually my guard drops and I think "maybe he really cares about me like he says and this can work" NO!!!! I need an assistant standing next to me to tell me not to even talk to these guys. I want to change and talk to the cute guy who works on cars or something and who will be sincere and not the guy racing the cars and getting trophies and publicity. Ugh....I really wanna punch myself in the face
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberus
U seem intelligent but ur not hearing me. If he had said and acted like a guy just wanting a hookup or a FWB like u did then I would not be posting this. I was told many things "u seem so centered and I have an intense connection with u" " I can change my work schedule to date u" I wanna take u to blah blah place and blah blah place" hold my hand and spend a genuine amount of time getting to k ow me and then bam! Gone. I know I'm a fool and I want to stop letting my guard down with these dogs. They don't come at me like a casual thing, they come at me like a guy who wants a relationship. This is why I don't want to like them. That way the song and dance never begins. If a hit guy said "hey I want to hook up and then bail" then it would be on me if I got my feelings hurt. I don't want to be pinholed in a non-challenging "she gave it up after my chasing so she must be a loser" crap category and the only jack asses that do that are the ones I don't wanna like. I have waited from a couple weeks to a couple months to more to cave into their crap and let my guard down and it ends the same. In actuality I'm only referring to three guys. I have only dated three alpha guys( live with on for a year) and it just makes no difference. I attract charming sexy monsters. I'm sick of it just like any other girl would be. I try so hard to not even look at them and try to find the attractive qualities in the nicer guy but I can't. I rarely can get past a third date with nice guys. I hate and I know it is my fault. I want to change but I don't know how
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberusU seem intelligent but ur not hearing me. If he had said and acted like a guy just wanting a hookup or a FWB like u did then I would not be posting this. I was told many things "u seem so centered and I have an intense connection with u" " I can change my work schedule to date u" I wanna take u to blah blah place and blah blah place" hold my hand and spend a genuine amount of time getting to k ow me and then bam! Gone. I know I'm a fool and I want to stop letting my guard down with these dogs. They don't come at me like a casual thing, they come at me like a guy who wants a relationship. This is why I don't want to like them. That way the song and dance never begins. If a hit guy said "hey I want to hook up and then bail" then it would be on me if I got my feelings hurt. I don't want to be pinholed in a non-challenging "she gave it up after my chasing so she must be a loser" crap category and the only jack asses that do that are the ones I don't wanna like. I have waited from a couple weeks to a couple months to more to cave into their crap and let my guard down and it ends the same. In actuality I'm only referring to three guys. I have only dated three alpha guys( live with on for a year) and it just makes no difference. I attract charming sexy monsters. I'm sick of it just like any other girl would be. I try so hard to not even look at them and try to find the attractive qualities in the nicer guy but I can't. I rarely can get past a third date with nice guys. I hate and I know it is my fault. I want to change but I don't know how
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (18 December 2012):
At least there is one more woman here that admits she is attracted to arrogance. One of the great pity's of our society is that the female attraction mechanism is outdated. What served women 5000 years ago (finding a strong male who could take charge, dominate, provide, is physically aggressive, etc) doesn't really hold as much in today's world, yet as I have stated a million times before, our society develops a lot faster than our evolution does. So, today we have tons of nice girls going after just the types of guys who are least deserving of them and most likely to treat them poorly. This type of behavior only reinforces men to do it more, since it seems to be working. I see this most among younger woman (18-25) before they become wise enough to think their way out of it, but you do see it following some gluttons for punishment their whole lives.
So, the short answer is, you will likely never be initially attracted to "nice guys," as few women are. That said, you need to think about what your really want for your life long term, and choose your partners accordingly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2012): Haha female anon you seem to be obsessed about the idea of being "lured to bed". You make it sound so sinister yet there is no luring going on, women willingly get into bed with these guys. It's very easy not to shag someone you know, it's not like they lose control, it's a choice they make. If it's not one they want to make then they shouldn't shag that guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2012): "judged the women as cheap and stupid"
Definitely not OP, I too would be cheap and stupid in those circumstances if that were the case. As I said it was a matter of protection nothing else, I wanted casual sex most of them did too and that was it. If the next morning they felt they regretted it or thought it was going to be something more it wasn't going to be.
Just not my type of woman for a relationship a matter of preference. Nothing judgemental about it I just like stronger women who know how to protect their feelings and can say "no" to guys if their head tells them it's not a good idea.
"Why is all the blame placed on me in this situation?"
It's not about blame OP. it's about who's getting hurt by it, which is you.
it doesn't matter if other women would have fallen for it too, you're the one here who wants help breaking a pattern, I can only tell you the best way I know how.
"you were really into someone who said all the things that show genuine interest and then she vanished and then someone said you should have played hard to get more, it would really be a punch in the gut."
I've had that happen trust me, it hurts. I've been with rebound girls who I thought cared but were only looking for comfort, I've been "used" by other women for other things too, I've been through it all except having to deal with being cheated on which to my knowledge has never happened to me and I put used that way because I was never truly used, just didn't have enough experience or knowledge to understand how to get what I want, I don't consider used to be a thing, It's always a choice to give that person what they want it's up to me I ensure I get what I want too.
"How sorry i feel for them.
How dare they believe your words right?"
No, that's not my attitude at all. I don't have any spite for women, I didn't hook up with them to get one over on them or use them, I just wanted sex and I assumed that's all they wanted by default unless they told me otherwise, why sleep with me if you're going to regret it? I wouldn't, I can only judge people based on how I act. I never told a woman I loved her, or I can see us being together, or I miss her, or act like boyfriend or anything like that. I never lied to them to get them into bed. Literally just met in a club, bar, on the street, anywhere some nice conversation, flirting and brought them home that night for a shag. You really don't have to be a lying asshole to bed women OP. You really only have to be nice, confident and make your move. Only amateurs lie and only fools believe them.
I'm mid 30's now OP I can spot a lie a mile away, I know the difference between something said for a purpose from a person with an agenda, what I want hear; and something said that is true and because the person genuinely means it. I only can tell that because I've been caught out before and each time I have, I have been able to examine it and recognize patterns and figure out ways not to be caught out again.
I was caught out by rebound twice before I learned that lesson, I was only caught out once by a woman who dated me to make a friend of mine jealous see what he was missing before I learned that lesson.
All I'm trying to make you see is if you look closely enough there are always signs and patterns. It's not about blame, it's not about if everyone else would have fallen for it too, it's about you wanting to change that and that's what worked for me, that's all.
No moral judgements, no spite, nor indignation just a cold, hard logical approach that really does work for me.
I mean with rebound women the signs are easy once you examine them. The most obvious is how long the relationship was and how long they're out of it. Another is how often they talk about their ex, but the best sign is always how they talk about their ex. Rebound women always speak about their ex with a tinge of passion that women who are over their ex simply don't. There is always a love/hate thing in the way they speak about their ex, he's to blame, the woman feels stupid yet she will still highlight the things she misses and were great about him. The woman's facial expression and body language when she talks about him, are they still in contact? You know what I mean?
Human's are very predictable creatures, we all have standard sets of behaviour. A guy who comes on thick and strong really soon in his words and actions, from the moment they first become romantic is a guy with no patience who has a goal and generally that goal is sex.
OP all I can do is to tell you what works for me and how it works, if you can do the same then why not?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberusI think it is you who have misjudged me. I am aware that I am attracted to the wrong type but I am no idiot. I do not just go to bed with people at the drop of a hat. I have my guard way up. You say that you judged the women as cheap and stupid if they fell for your words only.How sorry i feel for them. How dare they believe your words right? I have certainly learned some things as I have grown and i don't fall so easily. The Last guy that inspired me to come on this site I have known for years, i knew him months before i ever slept with him. He seemed immature then and seemed to date wackos so i never gave him much thought. He would come into my life occasionally again seeming to have changed but didn't. This time i had my guard way up. I had a boyfriend and he tried to come back to me again after boring of one of his drama idiot girlfriends. I kept him at distance and obviously would never cheat on anyone and certainly not with him. I am recently single and so he started calling in a friendly manner. He never lied to me so i let him be my friend again. We talked for many nights and hung out a bit and he said and did things he never did before. He said he was tired of the same crap in his life and said he felt we had an intense connection and varioius other things. I went to visit him recently and he treated me like a queen. Even after getting physical, he held me and took me out to dinner and held my hand on the car ride home. He did everything to suggest genuine interest but of course here i am on this site because he hasn't contacted me in 3 days where as before he was calling non-stop. Why is all the blame placed on me in this situation? There are few women that would not have felt he was sincere. I certainly know now that I will never let him close again but the truth is, I wish I wasn't even attracted to him. This is my flaw.I want to be attracted to the decent guy. Not the alpha rock star. I am not trying to dog you but if you were really into someone who said all the things that show genuine interest and then she vanished and then someone said you should have played hard to get more, it would really be a punch in the gut. I don't want to learn how to play more games, I just want to be attracted to a better person. I hope you understand what I am saying. I don't "think with my pussy" either lol
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2012): I don't agree with a claim that there is no "wrong type of guys", because there are.There are guys out there who don't base their opinion only about a woman only on how much she challenges them. There are guys and plenty who are happy to have a nice woman and actually don't want any challenges. They just want to have a nice home and a good wife, who is a good mother to his children and companion.There are guys out there who never used woman just for sex, and never ever lured any woman into bed by sweet talk. There are guys out there who respect a woman enough and themselves not to lie to have sex and decent enough not to lure anyone in bed.these guys exist, you just need to distinguish them from a crowd. There are guys out here who will never think that because you slept with him after he lured you into bed,you ll be a terrible partner as you will allow yourself to be lured into bed by anyone who crosses your path.There are guys out there with open minds and hearts, that are capable to love without a challenge that woman gives them, without thinking about her past, guys that are happy, live in a moment. I'm married to one of these guys, there is hope for you :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2012): I think you got what I meant wrong when I said challenge, I mean challenge in the way of always having to maintain our relationship and not just be given everything without having to give back, not being allowed to take her for granted.
Oh and luring to bed? It's always their choice, I use no coercion whatsoever a smart woman will judge me on what I do not what I say, I don't judge them, I just don't want a woman who can be wooed with some choice words for anything other than sex. I don't see a woman who can easily fall for a guys charms against her better judgement as one I want to be with other than sex. It's not a moral judgement, it's just a matter of self-protection. I don't date women who consistently make bad choices or choices they regret. It means they can't control their urges and I can't trust them because of that. Who's to say a guy with more charm than me, bigger muscles or more handsome won't come along and say and act more charming than me? I just wouldn't take the risk that she can control herself in those situations, so I only get romantically involved with strong willed women who know how to get what they want.
Believe or not I'm fairly decent, you're the one here saying you have a massive character flaw when you don't. You're just blaming the type of guy you like for why it's not working for you. I learned to embrace the type of man I am and the type of woman I like and how to make that work, I learned to hone how I date to get what I want in life. All I'm trying to tell you is do the same. but you hear what I'm like, you relate that to all the other guys you've had experience with and condemn me as the problem. Maybe I didn't express myself well in my post, but the idea is the same.
You may like a certain type of guy but you seem to be conflicted about that. The way you talk you really don't want to like that type, but I'm telling you it can work. you're in your 30's OP and you're not a fool, you're fighting against yourself here.
It just sounds to me like you're looking for a way to find "safe" guys attractive. I don't think you will, I just think you need to judge actions better and be less susceptible to words, that was the whole point of what I said about being a challenge. It sounds like you need to learn how to get what you want from guys.
Token romantic words and interest, saying he feels chemistry, holding hands etc. that's all too easy. I had a friend a few years back take back a guy who cheated on her three times because he sent her a letter in the post. That's it, a letter and she felt he really loved her because of that. Makes no sense to me.
You asked how you can change the pattern. First examine what it is that attracts you to these guys, especially the negative qualities, we all have a few of those that we're attracted to, things you think in your head you're not attracted to but actually are if you know what I mean. Does a guy with quick temper appeal to you, does arrogance appeal to you etc. look at all your ex's and see what negative traits they all shared (being strong, tough and dominant aren't bad traits, arrogance, condescension etc. are) the point is if you want to change a pattern you have to look at the details of that pattern and identify the things causing the problem and fix them. if you like arrogance in guy, a guy who is cocksure, then look for a guy who is confident yet humble at the same time, as well you know there's a difference. that's only an example, you're the one who has to examine your own likes.
"I want to like a decent guy who says what he means and not lines to get me to bed."
Then learn to judge a guy by his actions.
Or is this simply a case of you really not wanting to like the tough guy anymore?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was keeping my distance from the last one which is why he chased so hard. I have known him a long time and didn't sleep with after just meeting him and btw, u lure a girl to bed and then judge her as not a challenge? That is pretty sh!tty on ur part. This last guy still contacts me but I have resolved to make him work much harder next time if there is a next time. He claims we have the same sense of humor and that I am different but it could be lines. My prob is I don't want to like guys like u who require constant challenge. It is obnoxious that u have to feel like the girl is always ready to go at any second. I want to like a decent guy who says what he means and not lines to get me to bed. I don't want to be with someone for a long time and then get happy and comfortable just to find out I'm not a challenge any more. I want to like someone who is basically nothing like you but I keep getting suckered by the bull crap dished out to me. I don't have sex right away either. If j hadn't known this recent guy so long, j would not have gotten physical after 3 weeks
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): Thing is OP you can't help who you're attracted to but you can learn to exercise better judgement and self control.
It's not a matter of not being able to find a guy who's nice, it's a matter of not being able to say "no" to guys who come thick and heavy, how are you supposed to find mr nice when you waste all your time giving yourself to guys who you know are just in it bone you and throw you away?
It's not a matter of getting to know people before you date them OP, you can know a guy years but still fuck things up by not dating properly. You're a sucker for charm OP, you get carried away too easily by it and let your pussy do your thinking. You're basically not a challenge at all, we don't have to do much work with you or earn you. We have to prove nothing to you because you lose yourself.
It's simple, you just need to date better. I'm masculine, ripped, a bit of a brawler, alpha and get quite a bit of attention. But I'm also a nice guy. But you'll never meet me or anyone like me because you're too busy getting sucked in by the charm of some other dude. Just because a guy has those traits doesn't mean he's going to bone you and walk but you have to date us right. As soon as you meet a guy like me your knees go weak and you start thinking with your clit in the heat of the moment. It sounds a bit like you fall too deeply, too quickly after just having sex with a guy.
Need to make us work harder for that OP, need to display what else about you is awesome and you really need to tell the difference between a guy who is coming on too strong too quickly and one who is patiently wanting to get to know you.
Seriously mr tough missed you? You hadn't done anything, hours on phone so soon, holding your hand and being intense so soon. Those are all the hallmarks of charmer who wants sex.
Don't worry if the guy is your type OP, alpha guys can be great boyfriends, deserving of your love it's just your lack of self control that shoots you in the foot, you're simply not enough of a challenge for an alpha, you relegate yourself to the level of ego boost because you're too easily wooed. Alphas need to fight, need to prove themselves they need a strong willed woman who knows how to get what she wants. It's the ones we can't have easily that we want the most.
FYI: I'm not calling you "easy" I'm just saying we need a woman who as tough mentally, as disciplined as we are physically. Otherwise there's just an imbalance. You know the best part of being with my girlfriend for me is that even after 7 years of being together I still have to work to maintain our relationship. Not that she's in any way demanding, and she gives back everything she gets, it's just she's strong willed, independent and doesn't fall for charm. I can't just be sweet to her with no substance, she'd never fall for it. I have to back it all up with behaviour and action. I had to show her real, practical proof I deserved her, not just some sweet words, telling her what she wanted to hear and intense hand holding. I had to show her over time who I could be to her and I relished that challenge.
The girls like you I was done with after the sex, I didn't have to do anything but be a bit charming and intense and I got them. Sorry but that's just boring. I like women who are strong and smart and see through bullshit and don't fall for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate it. I certainly do recognize my problem and I know I need to do exactly what you are saying. I want to. I am trying to meet people in activity groups like hiking and rock climbing so I can get to know people before dating them. Maybe that will help. I'm glad you were able to beat it Anonymous :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): Well, may be you just need even more years to live to realize that you have to stop hurting yourself:)
I was like you when I was very young: pretty girl that attracted attention often by how you describe testosterone charged guys handsome, charming, and very muscular. I got tired of it faster though than you are. By 27 I was already married to who I think is a very handsome but quiet man who gave me a wonderful life and beatifull kids.
I was like getting hurt every time I made a "mistake", believing all the words I heard and wanting to believe that I was somehow special to them.
I don't know what to advice to you because you already know your problem. May be trying to nock of f one notch from how a guy looks, and see if you might fall in love with someone like that?
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