A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hiIm going out with this guy who is lovely, very honest and one of the nicest people i have ever met.However i am suffering from depression atm and the seriousness of our relationship is not helping me to overcome my depression.Im quite shy and so is he, so our relationship is quite boring, ie not flirty and fun. We are also both part of a close group of friends who tend to bitch alot and talk about each other behind their backs. The stress of being in a relationship which is public(ie everyone in the group knows what hapening etc) and the seriousness is causing me alot of stress and making my depression worse.What should i do? This guy is lovely but i think i need to be with someone who is more fun and flirty,especially because im suffering from depression. Any ideas on how i could dump him without causing problems within our close group and reducing bitching? thanks for all your help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2007): Hi - I totally relate to how you feel. I too have developed depression because I somehow feel lonely even though I am in a relationship with a nice guy. It scares me to think that I may make a mistake if I walk away as the guy I am with is very loving and I do feel secure with him. I have had exciting relationships in the past but got hurt so I guess I didnt want to make that mistake again. I'm not sure if what you need is the same as me but I feel laughter, stimulation of my mind and intimacy is what is missing for me but in the same breath I have love, loyalty and trust so its a tough one. It is so horrible to feel torn and I too was never this depressed when I didnt feel so trapped and worried. I hope it may help you to see that you are not alone in wanting to get more out of life i.e. some magic and chemistry. Maybe we both need to see that it is the relationship being wrong that is the root of our depressed state? What do you think? I know I have felt more alive than this with other partners but these have been the ones that have hurt the most when they have ended....do we just settle for nice, honest and secure to be safe and never get hurt or take a gamble of finding someone we feel more of a connection with?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni think you may have misunderstood me slightly. I know that relationships are not ways of overcoming depression however this relationship is making me worse. I meant that if i was to be with someone whilst i was suffering from depression, i think it would be better for me to be with someone who was positive and fun loving as this would possibly help me to become better, rather than worse.Noone knows that im suffering from depression and i have no intention of telling anyone as it is private and personal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni think u may have misunderstood me. Noone knows that im suffering from depression and i would rather keep it quiet.I no that relationships are not ways to overcome depression but its jst that this relationship is making me worse than i have been. I meant that if i was to be in a relationship whilst i was suffering from depression, it would need to be with someone who was positive and fun loving, as this would help me possibly to get better and be more positive myself.
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A
female
reader, bemused  +, writes (5 July 2007):
 Hi hun.
I did make a note of your age and if there is ever time to be 'flirty and fun' now is the time. It is to your credit that you see that your boyfriend has the great qualities that he does and it seems to be causing you some guilt about letting him go.If this is what you want to do you will do it but you may come to regret it somewhere down the road. A greater concern here is your depression. I agree wholeheartedly with the other post here that another person cannot turn that around for you. I would suspect that you will get that fun and flirty boyfriend that you want and there will still be an ache in your heart. You mention the peer group you are hanging around with are all depressed as well. Would it be possible for you to look into doing activities that may not necessariy include this group and get you out meeting new people. Ideally you want a fun and flirty boyfriend who also has it together a bit. Good luck. Hope this helpedxx
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (5 July 2007):
 You can't dump anyone who's been nice to you and then hope there won't be problems.
Since you don't want to go out with him anymore, be honest and tell him. Give him a chance to find someone else who will love him. Make it clear to him that you're not dumping him because you fancy someone else. This somewhat makes it less hurtful.
Now, a word of caution. It seems to me that you have a wrong idea of what relationships are. Relationships are not "ways" to overcome depression. You cannot expect people to play a role according to your mood at the time. Relationships should be the meeting of two people who are willing to give and receive. People are not tools.
I don't have a bad opinion about you. I just think you have not had the time to think things through. How would you feel if the guy you are going out with were depressed, and he said he would dump you because you do not entertain him?
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