A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm not sure where to start but here goes. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now, but twice during these four years that we broke up because he cheated on me and lied to me. The first time was harder because I never saw it coming. We were together for 1 year and he made me think that he was so crazily in love with me (maybe he was, but anyway..) and then when he went back to UK for his studies (final year), after a month in the UK he picked a fight with me and in the end told me he was with someone else. The girl was from here (the same place I am) and he only knew her from the internet, later I found out it was actually one of his chat friends who I thought was harmless but had a suspicion on. Worse thing was, later I also found out that they have never met face-to-face even when he was choosing her over me. I'll spare the details but trust me, I could swear it feels like somebody punched me in the stomach and I didn't know it was coming or why. I'm never clingy, I understood him and I stood by him during his hard times.So then moving on..after about 6 months he came back, begging etc, and..somehow I feel stupid now that I took him back on the condition that I see changes in him. Yeah, for about the next 2 years he did change. By the end of those two years I started to feel trust again, but again - I felt like I was punched again by fate. He was working (still do) a job which requires for him to be four months away on a ship (no girls, just guys), and you could say you can only count on one hand how many times they were allowed to go onshore (in the other country) for a few hours to do a bit of shopping or relaxing.Anyway, so after about 3+ years together, when he finally came home from his last trip (mid-year this year), we were doing great as usual but then we got into a fight which somehow became bigger and suddenly he just blurted out if I wanted a break. Being 'upset' was an understatement, I had a breakdown and I didn't sleep the whole night just crying and he tried to comfort me until God knows how many hours and he fell asleep (so nice of him to be able to sleep despite how exhausting it was), but I couldn't..I was too traumatised by the past, it was like it was happening again. Only this time he assured me it wasn't because of somebody else, he said he feels really unhappy (I asked him the causes - was he unhappy with me? Money? Family? etc - but he said no to all of them), he just said that he needs to find himself. After all that talk about wanting to marry me and everything all those years, at this moment he even said that he wasn't sure if he wanted to marry me. I was sooo..so..heartbroken but all I could manage out was "I understand." He asked to take a break so I gave him what he wanted.So to cut the story short, after a lot of him trying to call me back to his sister's engagement function, which I thought meant he wanted us to get back together but turned out he was still in that want-you-but-still-unsure-about-my-life attitude, and after me breaking down after finding out messages from a girl who apparently, was his girlfriend..who he had been seeing while we were supposed to be on a break where he specifically said we are "single but unavailable"..I had enough.. I had the worst argument ever with anyone I've ever argued with in this whole planet, valuable things broken, and yes - I admit, out of rage for him damaging my laptop, I destroyed his laptop as well. Immediately, he reacted by impulsively pushing me to the bed and punching my back about 3-4 times. It didn't hurt enough to cause any bruises or swellings or any marks even, but I gotta tell you, what hurt 100 times more was how I felt inside. Especially adding to the fact was before the argument, we were trying to try to work things out after he realised how stupid he was after he was given a reality slap by one of his closest friends. He told me that he had left the girl (if I had more space here, I'll hash out more details, but I don't so maybe next post) And what triggered the big argument was that girl actually came to his house to beg to him.I was so angry because he asked didn't answer the door whereas I wanted to civilly talk to the girl but he wouldn't let me come to the door. So that girl finally left and I threw a raging fit that you would never want to see. So yeah. I guess that pretty much shook him to see how a girl like me, always sensitive, understanding and gentle could rage out like that. I guess if you hurt people too many times, they won't stay nice to you forever. I also found out that he also had an account on a live webcam-chat website where it allows users (who have to pay of course) to view webcams of girls live and well..I don't have to explain the rest. You have no idea how mad I was about this..porn, I understand. But this was different - it's real girls, using his money, you could say it was almost like hiring a stripper or prostitute only without the actual touch. He even had the nerve to say that it was just like porn, it's not like the real thing. Let's just cut to the chase and in the end he discontinued his membership.So anyway...after firmly deciding that I want to leave him, he was literally at my feet telling him to give him one last chance to make it up to me..to try to heal me..and do whatever it takes. I say, "How?" and he says he doesn't know but he will, and he will show it to me. I told him we have tried twice, but still you hurt me again..It's better if we just stop and end it.. and he was hugging me and said he still wants to be with me and at that he knows that I'm the one he should and wants to be with, and all those kinds of stuff which I guess you can get the gist of.So now, that all happened back around June-July this year..so it's nearly end of November now and so far, he has been doing great. But, I don't know..every day I wake up, am I doing the right thing for myself? If I am unhappy, then why isn't it so easy to just leave him (I guess because of the time we've been together, what we've gone through, and our families and friends look at us like you know, "that" kind of couple who they just know are probably going to end up marrying each other because we just seem like soulmates). I do love him. But..I can't trust him. I really don't know what to do..I've recently found that he still has access to a live webcam-chat website (don't ask how I know, I have my ways - but it wasn't from him of course), and..I was so upset, that's when I came here to see if I could find someone to help me with this.I'm too embarrassed to ask my family/friends. As I said, they just think we're doing great now. But inside, I don't even know what to do..I WANT to believe that he is really making it up to me (I can see his efforts), but inside, all the past has traumatised me and made me self-defensive..what am I doing? :'(I greatly appreciate your patience in reading this..really do.
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a break, broke up, cheated on me, get back together, money, porn, prostitute, soulmate, stripper, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Strawberry Fields  +, writes (29 November 2010):
Oh I see..thank you for your input. It's really helpful to see others' point of view on my issue as I need an outsider's perspective. I guess you're right, I should step back and think coolly what I want. Next time if we have a disagreement, I'll try to keep your advice in mind - either keep the conversation going until we reach a conclusion or if either or both of us are too upset, we take a break and postpone the conversation til later.So for now, while he's currently away working, I'm going to take this time to think about whether he's worth it or not..because you're right, there was too much drama. I mean we're doing great now, but I'm too scared of the possibility it might happen again.. I really don't know what to decide here. It's like, I love him, and I do want to give this one last try, but on the other hand I've got to consider his past behaviour too. I don't know if I'm happier with or without him. Most times it feels like the former, but at times it feels like the latter. This indecisiveness is driving me crazy.
A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (28 November 2010):
 I meant that he declared he was single and unavailable but in the end behaved as available. One hears this so many times that it's almost funny. A long way that is before saying and actually doing.
The other comment about respect was meant in the following way, that everything you say and do should show you are worthy of respect, don't get caught in his trap and act like he does and "return favours". The minute you are exhibited this poor behaviour, damaging of goods and violence, you point the guy to the door and end the relationship, simply. The crying yourself to sleep, not a an awfully mature thing either. Keep the conversation going until you reach a conclusion and if you're too upset to talk, take a break and postpone the convo until later. There's so much drama here, you probably bring out the worst in yourselves.
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A
female
reader, Strawberry Fields +, writes (28 November 2010):
It was done out of rage, he smashed my laptop first so I only returned the favour. In previous fights I would never have done this but at that moment it was just too much. I see what you mean though. But what do you mean by "He will shut it up and point it out in your face 2 years later because I see he has this tendency. The single and unavailable status but available in the end... almost funny. You probably expected it since he has made a slip before." What tendency? And what do you mean by "but available in the end"?
I'm also unclear with what you mean by "behave in a conflict and so on should forward this message." So on should forward this message? What does that mean? :S Sorry I just want to be clear.
Oh a side note also to all readers, when I said live webcam-chat..I meant those porn live webcam-chat..they're basically like paid to get on webcam and then put on a "show".
p.s. I didn't log in last night..hence the anonymous post
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A
female
reader, bitterblue +, writes (27 November 2010):
Not much to hesitate about, never hold onto a relationship out of pure habit. Attachment and habit can easily blur your judgement when it's time to make a tough call. Neither of you is acting right in this relationship, and the drama must be completely exhausting.
I can't even figure out the source of the conflicts, it's all very bedazzling, can you? I imagine it springs from nothing and suddenly you are pitchforking each other and it's raining nasty remarks about things that maybe happened a billion years ago.
You have here on one hand a lot of uncertainty with this guy and lack of respect on the other. Unfortunately, the latter is so common lately. You continued this pattern by breaking his laptop so that doesn't honour you either. He will shut it up and point it out in your face 2 years later because I see he has this tendency. The single and unavailable status but available in the end... almost funny. You probably expected it since he has made a slip before.
Also, if you wish to be respected, your whole attitude, the way you utter words and treat the other, behave in a conflict and so on should forward this message. After a while it becomes habitual if you try it......For an outsider this is pretty clear but if you need to think about it by all means step out for a while and think cooly about your life and whether you want it tranquil or... in this way. Best of luck.
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