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*ulky-N-MO
writes: I've never been in a serious relationship before and I finally found that special guy. We met around Halloween last year and we are very serious. We just got to the point where we exchanged keys to each other's apartments. He has a job with the state government and he will be working out of town Monday through Thursday and he is also taking this class that is really important to his career. I am off on Mondays and Tuesdays and he isn't. This means that we will hardly see each other over the next few months. I think I pushed him too hard this last week to spend the week with him since I had the time off. We had also planned on him spending the weekend at my place and I went all week at his place excited he would be coming up to my place on Friday, but he said he was too far behind in school work and he may not come up. I guess my question is how can I stop being so needy. I dunno if that is the right word. This is my first relationship, period, and I just want to be near him every second of every day. He says there will be changes in the next few months, but he is in no way saying we need to take a break. He said he wasn't looking for a relationship last year when we met because he knew this class would be coming up this year and he would be travelling for work, but I stole his heart when we met and he fell in love with me. Every person in the world is different but I hate the fact that I have these sort of thoughts and feelings. They tear me up and I feel like giving up. Being with him and near him lifts me up and his smile brightens my day. I need advice and help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2006): Quite frankly, dear..So what if you pushed him a bit hard..you love this guy! I just don't think you don't sound 'needy' to me. More like you are experiencing that wonderful feeling of being in love. Just embrace the distinction between want and need. This simply means recognizing the distinction between a desire and a demand. Demanding means not accepting it when things don't turn out as you desire or want. It means boldly and assertively making your desires and wants known, but not thinking that it is the end of the world when you don't get those desires fulfilled. And hun, it appears he's not complaining is he..he wants you to want him. On the other hand, neediness is being demanding, pushy and whiny. It's when you need something so bad, that you go way beyond a clear, mature mindset and you act selfishly to get your way. In other words, if you don't get what you want then it would be awful, the end of the world. I don't see any 'neediness' in your posting. Of course, you want to spend time with him...you have been bitten hard by the lovebug, girl. Don't worry if he needs a bit of space to work, once in awhile. Accept it..so sit back, relax and enjoy the ride, girl. You both sound very, very happy and best of luck to both of you. Take Care.
Hugs, Irish
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reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (14 January 2006):
 If you find the answer to this one let me know!! I know how it can be to be needy in a relationship. First things first, dont beat yourself up over it. I hate that side to me too but it's part of who you are for better or for worse.
My personal take on this is that the key is occupying your mind. The more your mind has to do the less time it has to focus on missing your partner.
I dont really know you so I don't know what to suggest. For me writing often does the trick. I would tend to suggest something that is immersive would be good. Pick a long book you want to read or a computer game you really want to complete. Work on a project or something you want to do.
Try and schedule regular contact not to the point of regimentalising it but to the point where it is something you can look forward too and keeps you going. Allow yourself a text a day if only to say sweet dreams at the rough time you know he will be heading to bed. Even if you dont complete the day together physically than at least you do mentally in a way. Hope that helps.
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