A
male
age
36-40,
*elsh
writes:So I have been close friends with this girl and she knows I am interested in her. I had popped the question a couple of times and she without being direct had dropped hints that she was not ready yet and asked me to wait. Which was fine with me. She has had a bad past, including a failed marriage, a couple of failed relationships (i guess) and has generally been scarred quite a bit. So I felt it to be reasonable to give her time to make her mind. She has also been in the past involved in "friends with benefits" relationships with mostly married men. Which I do not hold against as that was her way of dealing with things in her life. However, she recently got into a long distance fling with a colleague (married again) after a work trip where they met. And this is where I got a bit edgy. I haven't spoken to her about it, I just happened to see a mail at her desk once while we were doing some work together and thats how I know. She knows I know. I have many a times since told her that it is perfectly fine if she doesn't see me as her man but to let me know. However, she always dodges the question but at the same time doesn't directly concede that she doesn't see me as her guy. I tried walking out of this a couple of times but it became a bit messy and i ended up back in status quo. I want to put an end to this or get her to give the two of us a reasonable shot. However, I am not sure how to put it to her. My past attempts at this plus her state of mind and not wanting to get her more upset in life is really making it difficult for me. How do I handle this?
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female
reader, May27 +, writes (12 July 2010):
 I know that you want very badly to be with your close friend. It seems as if you really love her since you are willing to accept difficult situtations in her life.
I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear, but this is the time when that 'ole cliche works: If you love someone let them go. It sounds to me as if she wants to be your friend but doesn't want to hurt you by flat out saying she doesn't want more.
I have done that before. Women often assume that men will pick up on their subtleties and men seem to want a more definite answer.
If she wanted to only be your friend (as it seems to me), would you continue being a friend? Or would you rather cut off most or all contact to avoid the heartache?
I promise you that if she wanted to be with you, she would. She may have been in tough relationships before, but if she is ready to continue putting herself in those situations then she should be ready to be with you (if she wanted).
I think you are a good guy and I think it is definitely in your best interest to accept that she is not going to be with you and work on moving on. If you can still be her friend, then do it. Once you back off a bit she may (or may not) realize that she does want to be with you, but you'll never know either way until you give her space.
Good luck :)
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