A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have asked for advice on here before, I left a question regarding my mother interfering in my life.Well she didnt like my girlfriend of 2 years because she has 4 children, my mum was so upset when she found out (relationship was secret) that she cried and insisted I ended it, which I did.I do not want people saying I need to grow up and be a man because I am aware that I need to that.the thing is, it has been 5 wks since I split up with my ex and I am finding it really hard. I speak to her daily and I have even spent time with her. I told my mother honestly where I was going which is a huge step for me, as I normally feel I need to lie.suppose what I want is advice on how to deal with my mother, without causing an issue. I truly love my ex and the issue is with how I deal with my mum.I am feeling pretty low, and my ex says that I think too much. I am constantly trying to think of a solution that will make everyone happy. My ex is heartbroken and I hate myself for putting her through this again(same thing happened 1st time mum found out)Im 27 and yes I should be more of a man but I am a calm person and I hate anger. my Ex suggested that we should just get back together and both tell my mum like a united front, what do u think? please help, would like comments from mothers of grown up sons as well as people who have overcome simular situations. As much advice as possible please.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010):
Hey man,your story sounds just like mine. I love my mother to bits but she is so involved in my life that its making me angry. My girlfriend has three children, they are lovely and I am aware of what parenting involves but all mother can see is a women who wants my money, crazy because she earns more than I do
some advice:
1, Be with the women you love, there is no room for your mother in your relationship
2, Stand up for yourself, once you have done it once it will come easy, take it from me
3, If your still living at home then MOVE OUT (my mother told me to end my relationship, I didnt! I got my belongings and moved in with my girlfriend, mum didnt like it but so what!)
4, Change your mother son relationship. My mother and I have a different relationship, we talk like adults, I am no longer her baby and she has begun to respect my privacy. it will happen.
5, Your GF is right you think to much, follow your heart with this one, take a giant step and I bet you will not regret it.
I love my mother dearly, and I have not disrespected her. She may not agree with my choices but it is only her place to accept them. She will only accept my choices if I let her.
Good Luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2010): There are 3 people involved here ... most relationships should have only 2.
First, lets look at your mother. Alot of parents dont want to see there children make the same mistakes that they did, and often try to direct their children away from possible heartbreak. Quite understanding. However once your mother has said her peace, that should be it. Shes given her opinion now it is up to you to decide what route to take.
Second is you. You, by your age, should be out on your own, have a job, and living out the life that you desire. If this is not the case, something is wrong. You say that you dont like anger or confrontation, trust me, I understand, Im almost 40 and cant stand up to my mother, but Im learning. If you dont desire your mothers approval, and trust me, at your age you dont require it. Stop telling her things. If she wants to be a part of your life, then it has to be on your terms. For example, my mother said to me last week ( I am having a long distance relationship with a man in another country and she fears me leaving ) she told me ... I dont like what is going on in your home. I replied ... You dont have to. That was the end of that conversation. And believe me that was hard, but at some point I learned .. I dont live for other people.
Third, your girlfriend. Imagine how she feels knowing that she could be the reason for the relationship breakdown between your mother and you. Imagine how she feels knowing that you have to choose between the two of them. Imagine how she would feel being your dirty little secret.
The truth is .. if you love this woman, and you both want to pursue a loving lasting healthy relationship .. then just do it. Tell mom, hey I found an amazing woman and I hope one day you will want to meet her. But if you cant keep your nasty words to yourself and be nice for me, then I will have to exclude you from this part of my life. This statement will probably hurt your mother, but she needs to learn her boundaries and her role and if she cant do it on her own, then you have to set the boundary yourself.
If you dont, your mother will probably behave in this manner with all your girlfriends.
Best of luck !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2010): My son is 23, it would never even enter my head to have a say in who he was seeing. Who you go out with is none of your mums business. You need to stand up to her. I don''t know if you have your own place, but if you haven't maybe it's time you need to think about it.
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