A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I was in an on and off 16 months relationship with what I thought was the love of my life. It was very dysfunctional because of her very rough past that's affecting her daily thought process and behaviors. It took me evry ounce of strenghth and mental fortitude not to take her back and as soon as she figured we werent getting back together, she immediately jumped into another relationship and stopped contact.For the past number of years, I have always sought refuge with women whether it was long term relationships or short temm flings. This is the result of me filling a void as I have been with pretty much no family or supprt system since I was 18.Because I have always been with a girl, I have never developed meaningful friendships with guys or hobbies to keep me occupied. Before my escapades with women, I used to be very active (sports, activities...).For the past 10 years or so, my life revolved around women. I was the happiest when relationships were going well but as soon as they started to falter, I would be very depressed and anxious. As soon as I break up with one, I immmediately had to fill the void by seeeking another one. My neediness has led me to attract questionable characters. My goal was to always have an atttractive girl to call my own to fill my enormous emotional void. Around these beautiful girls I seemed fulfilled, happy but I deep down knew it was temporary.Most of the girls I attracted weren't exactly the definition of wife material. I would try so hard to change them all knowing the unfavorable end result.As long as they were attractive and interested, I was game. Some were bipolars, some were abused in the past, some were strippers, some cared more than others.In my circles (neighborhood, work..), I am known as the young man with the luxury car that's living the life. After all, they see me with the great job, the great car, the greeat clothes and the beautiful chicks, little do they know about my unhappiness, loneliness and borderline depression.As I was having anxiety attacks and borderline depressive, I decided to call a co-worker (and also the only female I consider a friend) and tell her my situation.She responded by saying that although some short sighted people may not notice it, she knew that I was a very unhappy individual. She talked about an aura that I exude that clearly spells my unhappiness. She was very frank and said that she's my friend because she's mature enough to see that I am great guy that needs help and was glad I came to her.She suggested that I cut myself off relationships until I find myseld and learn to be happy by myself. She suggested that if I was to be around a female to make sure they are only friends, to not kiss them or sleep with them. She suggested that I take on hobbies and start enjoying my time.We finished our phone conversation and I felt a huge relief, a load of my shoulders. I no longer had tears in my eyes, I no longer was depressed. All I have to do is forget about women and relationships for a while and learn to be happy by MYSELF and I will be cured and rid myself of all these demons that have severtely accompanied me for years!3 days later, beside the occasional bout of sadnessm, I am doing much better but I am desperately trying to find ways to occupy my time and find things that make me happy.I am trying to find hobbies but everything seems boring to me. A basketball game or a soccer match that was the ultimate fun for me years ago is boring now, a comedy show that had my friend in absolute laughter only invoked occasional smiles from me, movies end up surfacing relationship memories.Yes, I am much happeier now than I was 3 days ago (and thank you Chloe for the conversation) but everything that I have done the past 3 years revolved around a woman, the only fun was with the presence of another girl.I believe 100% that I need to be alone for a while but I want to find things to do that are fun, I don't wanna be bored all the time, I want to be excited again, I want to make MYSELF smile and make MYSELF happy. I want to enjoy things again, I wanna exude a positive aura...Thank you all for reading and am eagerly awaiting your commnets and suggestions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2013): I have been without a partner for over five years myself, and almost your age. The problem I have is the opposite to you, is that I'm not getting back in the game and not able to have faith in women since my last relationship fizzled out (she left me by the way). I find myself trying to fulfill my emptiness by filling the void with new hobbies, or engrossing myself exercise, which I have done all my life in solitude. Some people read books, but exercise is my meditation time, and lets myself go, and relax, and free myself of any worries. Problem I face is that I find that I am comfortable being alone, but feel guilty for not socializing, or trying to find another person to be in a relationship with. I am starting to feel the pressure from both my siblings and mother every time they visit me. It's so annoying, like everyone should need to be in a relationship or be married, if not then you are not normal. So I find myself avoiding any situations where I may have the potential to start a friendship or relationship such as going to bars, or general socializing events. But on the otherhand I feel guilty for depriving myself of the opportunity to meet someone special. I have other issues, like anxiety, social phobia, and passed family problems. I wish I was more like you, and you were a bit more like me, but obviously without my phobias etc. Best wishes, and hope you find my comments helpful. Please feel free to keep me posted on how you are coping.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2013): Thank God for your friend great advice. You really need some therapy because you're views of relationships are skewed and may be stemming g from somewhere in your past. Only a therapist can unravel that and give you healthy pointers on how to move on in a constructive manner. Check on your job because most insurances do cover counseling. Best of luck on your journey!
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